Bad Ideas, Job Searches

Best Job Application Cover Letter Ever

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No, this is not some random piece of spam we received. You will look in vain for words like “Loteria,” “NEXT OF KIN,” or “V1agra.”
It’s actually a cover letter that was received by a major legal staffing and recruiting firm, from a hopeful applicant seeking placement assistance. Here it is:

Dear Sirs/Madams:

I know very clearly & absolutely before to submit my submissional application for the post-recruited requirements that. my status quos will be completely approved or so ratified based on the recruitmental requirements of criteria, as for I graduated from Agro-forestry Realms. Meanwhile I am highly & hugely trying at my best efforts to post for this vacancy with heavily long-desired rayhopes that based on my supreme graymatters plusing with my well-accumulated experiences in working for several foreign-based firms as well as projects, & I have accrued a lot of skills or so specialization in various matters & manners…

I make risks to submit for the aforesaid post with long-desired hopes that you will see through my sensitively & briliantly particular status quos, & I deplore you all to give me a chance to work for your corporation. I confirm with you that I will not make you disappointed & I will prove my supreme liase abilities, hugely Graymatters-accessible triumphancies… & my superiorated talentedness to do my job at excellent duties, & your Firm will obtain heavily & hugely, giantly benificiaries, money, time, skills, to harness for any foremost authorized spheres or so realms in terms of commercial dealings or so business’s affairs kinds of transaction…& much more things if you see far enough to employ me.

Meanwhile I want to use the ever worldwide well-known Prophet’s saying named Archimes 770 BC that he ever said “give me a firm place to stand & I will move the Earth “. For the time being, I am highly awaiting for your far-reaching & well-judged determinative resolutions. I am highly awaiting for your carefully chosen assessment to my special case, & I hope to work for your Firm for a long & sustainable terms.

Yours Faithfully,
XXXXX

Contrary to your expectations, this letter did not originate in Nigeria. Based on the applicant’s name, which we redacted, we’re guessing that he (or she?) is from southeast Asia.
Notes of Anticipatory Defense:
1. Please do not implore us for being cruel or insensitive in posting this letter. As we could tell from the email chain that transmitted it to us, it’s already making the rounds among lawyers and legal headhunters around the country. We’re simply providing access to it on an equal-opportunity basis.
2. We do not intend to demean the contributions that immigrants — especially immigrants from southeast Asia (like our parents and other relatives of ours) — have made to the United States. Their work ethic and gray matter are impressive. We wish them the best of luck as they circulate their submissional applications here in the U.S., full of rayhopes for a better future.
We are merely using this letter to make a modest point: A thesaurus, placed in the wrong hands, is a very dangerous thing.

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