The Bruised Booze Cruiser: An Alternate Account
For those of you who might be interested, here's another version of yesterday's story about the Bruised Booze Cruiser -- a Kirkland & Ellis summer associate who got slugged by a local lass in Chicago (after getting drunk on the firm-sponsored booze cruise and calling said woman a "fat bitch").
We actually received many accounts of this event. The one that we decided go with came from someone who was at K&E this summer and attended the events in question, so we viewed it as fairly reliable.
But here's a second version, also from someone who claims to have been there. And we like it -- in some ways, it's even better than the original -- so we're passing it along.
According to our latest tipster, the Bruised Booze Cruisier (hereinafter "BBC") was acting up even before the after-party where he got punched by a girl woman. From this second source:
[The BBC] had upset one big-time partner before ever getting to the bar that night (and, if the golf outing story is true, he had notes from two partners sent to recruiting). The cruise ship played music during the 3rd of July fireworks, and at one point, the "Imperial March" from the Star Wars movies came on.The summer (maybe a big fan of the movies?) decided to narrate the song by attempting to recreate Darth-Vader-esque breathing noises. His wanting everyone to hear, though, meant the noises were less breaths and more zombie moans, which weren't appreciated by the young children on board.
A senior partner near the summer, whose children were frightened and upset by the noises, wrote to recruiting about the guy before the story of the bar fight ever came out.
That's pretty great -- but there's more. Check it out after the jump.
Our second source continues:
[T]he exchange between the summer and the girl -- who, by the way, was not a summer or in any way affiliated with the firm -- went a little differently. The attorney who had agreed/been cajoled into taking the summer class out was standing at the very crowded bar, ordering drinks. Despite the crowd, the summer was eager to chat up the lawyer and insisted on squeezing into his soon-to-be assailant's spot at the bar.After about half an hour of being bumped into and forced out of the way, the girl asks (in an annoyed, but otherwise polite voice), "Would you get off of me?". The summer looks at her and responds, "I wasn't trying to get ON you, you fat bitch." At this point, she poured her drink on him, then punched him -- twice -- in the face.
The guy WENT DOWN, at which point another summer tried to intervene and calm people down. For his efforts, [the assisting summer] was yelled at by the girl's friend (also not affiliated with the firm): "No! Your friend [pointing at The BBC] called my friend [pointing at the girl] a bitch!" and then slapped in the face so hard half the bar must've heard and turned to see what was happening.
The [BBC] stood up, with a cut above his eye. The girls strode out of the bar, leaving the (speechless) attorney to sort out the two wounded summers.
This rocks. No need to wait for the Spice Girls Reunion Tour for a healthy dose of Girl Power!
Earlier: X-Summers: The Bruised Booze Cruiser
(50) Comments
Wow those women need to be arrested.
In a word, awesome.
BBC: TKO! By a girl!
I like this version better.
I'll allow it!
Uh, I've only hit a dude once in a bar, and it's because he came up behind me and put his hand between my legs and squeezed. I shit you not.
That being said, I was actually TOUCHED by that dude, so I feel like hitting him was justified. However, calling a girl a "fat bitch" doesn't justify hitting him, though...I would have just called him out for being the loser douchebag he was...in a very public manner.
Our firm would welcome this fine young man with open arms!!
If a a chap can't stay on his feet after getting slugged by a broad, even a Chicago broad, how do you think he'll do across the table from opposing counsel or on consecutive all-nighters?
Mollycoddle! Pantywaste!
Ding! Ding!
wow, what a jackass. he didn't even deserve the courtesy of a cold offer.
You just signed your expulsion papers ... "Nuwanda"
" . . . how do you think he'll do across the table from opposing counsel or on consecutive all-nighters?"
Yeah, because all biglaw folks look like Mike Tyson. Douchebag.
Too bad the girl doesn't sound hot, if she really was fat.
"After about half an hour of being bumped into and forced out of the way, the girl asks (in an annoyed, but otherwise polite voice)"
I don't know, Bitchy 1:40 after an hour of this I'd probably hit him too.
"After about half an hour of being bumped into and forced out of the way"
If it takes an hour to bump you 2 feet, you might have a weight problem.
What?! no "FIRSTT!!11!" poster
Next summer:
BBC V BBW - the rematch
You know who I'm routing for
If it takes a guy an hour to bump a girl 2 feet, he might have a weakness problem.
fat chicks suck
Don't get me wrong, I've punched a guy in a bar. But he was forcefully leading my intoxicated friend out of the bar to his place.
While my instinct screams 'you go girl', my logic concludes that the response was not proportional. If she had only poured her drink over his head, it would be a closer call.
What a country!
A woman hitting a guy in a situation like that is cowardly because he can't hit back. So hitting a guy is a privilege, and it sounds like this woman exceeded the scope of her privilege. She should have responded to a verbal insult with an insult of her own.
He should press charges against the girl. This is ridiculous. If the sexes were reversed, that's what would have happened.
We still don't know if the (now apparently two) female SA(s) received offers after they punched the guy and slapped his fellow associate.
Why has no one raised this issue?
3:34, the slappers weren't summers. LEARN TO READ.
oh my GOD, 3:34, CAN YOU READ?????
3:34--Because EVERYONE ELSE here knows by now that the two females were NOT SAs of any type, and were NOT affiliated with the firm.
Man, work on your reading comprehension. I'm glad I don't have to work with an oblivious person like you.
Seriously, why has nobody raised the issue of whether the female SAs who punched they guy were fired?
Um, douchebags, I think fat bitch-slapper was playing on the fact that numerous people repeated his (her?) question multiple times in the previous thread well after the issue had been raised and answered. The "Why has no one raised this issue?" should have clued you in.
A pathetic attempt at humor, perhaps, but not nearly so pathetic as three of you instantly rising to slap the slapper down and then slapping yourselves on the back as heroes.
3:47 gets it!
3:35, 3:36, 3:40 = totally outed as humorless douchebags with little or no reading comprehension skills.
3:34 - Funniest post in days. Your humor doesn't communicate well over the message boards...
anon 3:47,
Good question. I see what you're getting at, but, technically, the 3 female SAs who jumped those guys probably wouldn't be "fired." It would be interesting to know if they, too, got cold-offered or worse.
So, wait does that mean that the other two women were not summer associates?
I forgot to add above:
FIRST, bitches!!!
I still need to find out which firm sponsors a special retreat at the Ritz in Pasadena each summer. Is there any firm like that out there?
You really need to read both threads to figure out what's happening in this confusing hypo.
A fat, bitchy K&E SA slapped some guy at a bar (the guy was NOT a SA-learn how to read and don't make assumptions), probably because, as far as we can tell, she was a racist fat bitch and her victim was latino. Two female Winston SAs (it is unknown how fat they were, but their bitchiness is unquestioned) joined the fray. They seem to have gone unpunished, presumably because no one else from Winston was at the event. (This information is available from multiple comments in the previous thread). So we know (if we have any reading comprehension skills whatsoever) that the 2 female SAs from Winston experienced no repercussions from their parts in this unpleasantness. The ONLY question still on the table is, what happened to the fat bitch K&E SA who cold-cocked the latino guy? Was she instantly let go? Cold-offered? Hired?
I dont think fat girls should get to punch guys for giving them the attention they so obviously desperately crave. Attention, even the negative kind is better than being ignored.
Fat chicks to 250 (lbs.) !!!!
3:56-
Don't you think KE needs to be careful? If KE cold-offers or fires all 9 of their female SAs who apparently were involved in assaulting this gentleman, they could face a gender discrimination suit.
4:10 -- it was a partner's wife who did the punching. jeez.
Apparently the consensus of the board is that those documents ARE, in fact, going to review themselves. I love it when that happens. Special props to 4:00.
Least we forget the friend who tried to calm things down and ended up getting bitch slapped!
Based on the descriptions given, they don’t have much of a reason to be so high on themselves. Both these girls need to relax and stop sucking at life.
I punched that little punk because I thought he had a cake inside his head....mmmmm cake.
Fat bitch 5:16,
With all the money you're making as a BigLaw SA, you should be able to afford to buy your own cake.
I know a guy who got punched in the face while standing next to a booth in a very trendy Chicago club after some girl walked past, pushed him out of the way, he said "excuse me fat ass," and she punched him in the face twice.
Differences are that he was not a summer at K&E, he did not get cut (but bled from nose), he did not fall, and it wasn't July 3rd. He just stood there stunned. The fat bitch ran away (he looked for her). I was there and saw it. What color was her hair? I wonder if it was the same girl .... did Chicago had a serial in-the-face-fat-bitch-puncher...
Someone asked this already...but what the hell is a guy supposed to do when a fat bitch punches you in the face? You know if you slap her back the bouncers will land on you and destroy your face.
If he had hit her back, he would have been fired and had his desk cleaned out before he showed up on the 5th
Judge Halverson rules!
The best part of this story is the poor guy who tries to help and ends up getting slugged himself.
No good deed goes unpunished.
6:31 - if that happens, find the girl's boyfriend at the bar and pummel him. And if you change the hypo so that the crazy bitch hits your girlfriend instead of you, same result.
Just because someone isn't anorexic does not mean you jerks can 1) hit them, 2) insult them, 3) block them, or 4) assault them. Be a gentleman and you will be treated in kind. These women rightfully smacked these jerks after the guys verbally and/or physically assaulted them. A little more aggressive than might be absolutely necessary, but after an hour of being assaulted by some little pissant it is perfectly understandable. And I doubt these jerks will do it again.
only one of them was a jerk, nobody
No, but this douchebag (the BBC) was bound to do something like this. I'm just surprised that it didn't happen earlier.