How Not To Respond to an Ad for Temporary Paralegal Assistance
A legal staffing agency put up an advertisement soliciting applications for a temporary paralegal position. Cover letters and résumés started rolling in. Like this one:
Hello there,I am not a paralegal. But, I type 85 WPM and used to be [an] executive assistant and have multiple skillsets, easy to train, that honestly set me $1000 over the salary of a degreed political science bachelors degreed [sic] person. Sadly, she was aggressive and began reading Hitler's methods and worked her way to stop my success with her deception.
The compliance lawyer finally figured out what she was doing and wound up getting rid of her. She now works in buying and selling electrical components somewhere.
So, I have no way to measure her value or mine within this paralegal field. I'll let you be the judge.
A cover letter referencing Hitler? + 10 points. We don't know what "Hitler's methods" consist of, but then again, we never read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Nazis.
Read the rest of this long, strange, rambling cover letter -- does the applicant need a paralegal gig, or a therapist? -- after the jump.
The cover letter continues:
I envy her [the "Hilter's methods" lady] in some ways, as she knows how to get where she wants to go. I just like to take my time and be a team player, not a bulldozer, which is a rare thing from what a Criminal Justice professor advised me, when I thought of obtaining a paralegal bachelors degree. I am aggressive, just can't bulldoze people over. He was unsure if I'd make it in that field because of that personality feature I have.I'd rather love people and nurture them to their success. I don't have that other bulldozing personality trait in me, to stop other's success. I can bulldoze aggressively to help people succeed. So, honestly, I do not know how you would value me in that way. I thought that was important to mention as I don't know precisely how you'd need someone to be.
What law firm wouldn't want a paralegal to "love" and "nurture" people? Here's a pair of kneepads, kid; get to work.
(But if you "don't have that other bulldozing personality trait" in you, in terms of an ability and willingness "to stop other's success," then you might not to be cut out for law school.)
I've had some compliance experience. The compliance experience was basically data entry making edits to documents and having strikethroughs show up on the document of removed verbage. Honestly, I thought it was pretty basic to be a paralegal, as they had told me that was paralegal work. Surely, there has to be more to it.
Says who? Making edits to documents and generating blacklined (some say redlined) copies is what junior associates do, too. Except they're getting paid a lot more to do it.
If you require research, I can do some of that. But, reading volumes of legal documents that a law student would be required to absorb and interpret, to me, would require more of a lawyer than someone with my experience. But, I am willing to help you, if that is what you need.If you are in a bind, let me jump in and help you out. I can jump over there to help you out if you are in a bind, rather quickly, while you are looking for someone else that may be more qualified. Or, I may be precisely what you need if you show me what to do. Again, I don't know what you would need. So, you'd have to let me know what you would need help with.
The applicant's candor is admirable. Most job applicants overstate their qualifications; few applicants offer themselves up as placeholder employees, to be kept on while the employer "look[s] for someone else that may be more qualified."
The ad you wrote seemed that you were in urgent need of help, right now. So, I thought that my offer would help you. I hate sitting home studying all day and submitting the neverending resume search for employment anyways. I have a degree. It's not a bachelor's yet, I'm working on that piece. I have an associates and hope to start my own business someday on the side of real estate appraisal. But, this economy is dicey for anyone to train in the field. So, I'm sitting here doing nothing of value. I can't stand not making a difference and working.Ah, to be young and idealistic. After a few years in the workforce, we suspect this aspiring paralegal will conclude that work is overrated. And that "sitting here doing nothing of value" can be fabulous -- especially if you're getting paid $160,000 for it. (Or working from the comfort of your own home, as we are.)
So, let me know your thoughts. If you need me, let me know. I'll come right down and begin now. I'd love to be of assistance. My hours of availability are 9:00am - 5:00pm, Monday through Friday.Sincerely,
[redacted]
And that's all he/she wrote. That's one heck of a cover letter, no?
(53) Comments
first
These pretzels...are making me FIRSTY
Source?
first
English can't really be the applicant's first language, can it?
I couldn't hold it together much beyond "I thought that was important to mention as I don't know precisely how you'd need someone to be." From my laughing, my secretary now knows that I'm "sitting here doing nothing of value."
This piece of gossip will eventually find its way up the food chain, and eventually I'll find myself "not making a difference and [not] working."
I have lost all faith in the public education system that someone even with a 2 year degree can't string together coherent thoughts. Wow.
What is Loyola 2L doing applying for paralegal jobs again. Doesn't he/she know that the only way to land a good job is avoid applying for every legally related job on craigslist? Some JD's will never learn.
12:03(2): THAT is the f'ing funniest line I have seen on ATL, ever!
12:24: Thank you. It's about time I received the appreciation I deserve for that meme.
"These pretzels...are making me FIRSTY"
Hillarious picture Lat.
"[She] worked her way to stop my success with her deception."
Umm, I think you did that one all on your own.
OMG, what a bozo.
And the winner of the Oscar for "Best Opening Sentence in a Cover Letter for a Paralegal Job"...
..."I am not a paralegal"!!!
What the hell is a paralegal bachelor's degree? Do they actually offer 4-year degrees in paralegaling?
OMG, what a bozo.
And the winner of the Oscar for "Best Opening Sentence in a Cover Letter for a Paralegal Job"...
..."I am not a paralegal"!!!
HIRED.
Yeah, I said FIRST...first SANE person to comment.
I admit to being interested in which "legal staffing agency" makes their applicants' job applicaion letters available to the general public - even the entertaining ones. Laughing about them amongst themselves in the office is one thing. Putting them up on the internet is just wrong. Just one man's opinion.
Hey Lat- when I opened ATL this morning, an annoying popup for shockwave something repeatedly popped up on my computer even after i closed it every time. Popup advertising should be no dice.
he is not a paralegal, he is the valedictorian at AMERICAN JUSTICE! school of law.
So, um, did she get a cold offer or what...?
I agree with 1:00, even though this letter was funny as hell and I enjoyed reading it. I'm not familiar with employment law, but it almost sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen, although maybe not since the "legal staffing agency" didn't identify the applicant and the applicant put his/her craziness in the public domain to some extent by writing the letter.
you let me know. i will be right down. 9 to 5.
comedy gold!
you let me know. i will be right down. 9 to 5.
comedy gold!
1:00 = author of the letter
"used to be [an] executive assistant and have multiple skillsets"
where did her skilsets go?
Did Aleksey Vayner, the guy who made that ridiculous video job application about himself, file a lawsuit over it?
The Vayner case was much worse b/c the guy was named. Here we have no clue about the identity of this person.
For all we know, this letter could be a joke.
i find it interesting that several commentors seem to have assumed the writer is a woman, when there is no indication of the writer's gender in the letter and Lat wrote "he/she" in the post. Lat if you have access to the redacted portions of the letter can you reveal the writer's gender at least?
See, my old man's got a problem.
first!
Wow, has this site gone downhill fast. What a waste. Pure drivel now, post after post. Sad for Lat. But whatever makes money, I guess.
I'm pretty sure this written by my last assistant.
Funny!
Scotsmen > Chuck Norris
1:30 / Gallion: Yeah, and yet you continue to be the most prolific commenter here.
i find it interesting that several commentors seem to have assumed the writer is a woman, when there is no indication of the writer's gender in the letter and Lat wrote "he/she" in the post. Lat if you have access to the redacted portions of the letter can you reveal the writer's gender at least?
===================================
Uh, it's pretty obvious a woman wrote that.
1:30 = clearly not the real Gallion.
Women only use "Hitler's methods" against other women. That is a well known fact.
Gott und himmel! We'd like to hire the boss who used Hitler's methods. If anyone knows here, please contact me at S&C.
Is that Loyola2L trying to infiltrate a big NY law firm?
Sounds like someone was sick of getting no response from the resume sites... sort of like someone who's lonely and has no feedback and starts talking to the walls after a while.
Does she have nice tits? Who cares if she can type or make binders? Paralegals do not get ahead by being great workers, they get ahead by giving head.
Isn't it great how the P.C. police first convinced everyone that you have to use the female pronoun as the default when gender isn't clear, and now complain when people do so?
12:39, the National Federation of Paralegal Associations says there are some colleges and universities that offer BA's in paralegal studies. They also say that a four-year degree "is the hiring standard in many markets."
With that said, in Smalllaw where I practice, most paralegal degrees I've seen are either certificates or associate's degrees.
Semi-relevant point: in Canada, independent degreed paralegals are allowed to engage in the limited practice of law, mainly restricted to misdemeanor criminal and traffic offenses. There is a licensure requirement but I don't think it's anywhere as onerous as that required of attorneys. I've seen ads for paralegal services on TV in Toronto which are quite hilarious:
"Have you been (pronounced in Canadian accident like "bean") charged with speeding?
Have you been charged with impaired driving?
You don't need a lawyer. Call POINTTS - the paralegal specialists!"
Seriously - go to pointts dot com
oops, I mean "Canadian accent."
Freudian slip
The letter is largely grammatical, has decent spelling and is broken into actual paragraphs. I have seen many worse cover letters. It is amazing how poor writing skills have gotten in the US.
No, it is not "largely grammatical," whatever that means. Ironically, neither is your post.
2:24 = author of the letter
S/he had me at "Hello there."
Wow, what a cover letter...
Jack Bauer > Chuck Norris
"i find it interesting that several commentors seem to have assumed the writer is a woman, when there is no indication of the writer's gender in the letter and Lat wrote "he/she" in the post. Lat if you have access to the redacted portions of the letter can you reveal the writer's gender at least?"
Actually, dipshit, before your comment, there were only three references to the applicant's gender. One was an obvious joke about the summer associate who got bitch slapped. Of the other two, one was he and the other was she. What's your problem? There are so many other things for you to be nit-picky about instead of looking for and instigating gender issues.
"I have a degree. It's not a bachelor's yet, I'm working on that piece. "
Your degree in refrigeration and cooling from DeVry doesn't count.
Has "Mein Kampf" been retitled "Hitler's Methods," and reissued as an HR manual for office administrators?
Who cares as long as she's hot. THREAD USELESS WITHOUT PICS!!!
Maxine uses "Hitler's methods" to climb the ladder in her career as a meth-addicted streetwalker on Hollywood Boulevard.