Lawyer's Wife of the Day: Kelly Cannon
[Ed. note: This post is by ALEX, one of the finalists in ATL Idol, the "reality blogging" competition that will determine ATL's next editor. It is marked with Alex's avatar (at right).]
I heard once that people don't like lawyers. Upon honest reflection, I'm inclined to agree with them. Hell, some people might not like me, even though I'm pathologically nice, fun at parties, and a member of the ABA.
Of course, hating lawyers is never justification for killing lawyers. Shakespeare be damned.
Earlier this month, the wife of a Tennessee lawyer became the avatar of lawyer-hate, strangling her husband and hiding his body in the bedroom closet with, presumably, all of the other unmentionables.
So reports WATE News Channel 6:
Nashville police arrested the estranged wife of an attorney in his strangulation killing. A housekeeper found the body of 44-year-old James Cannon in a bedroom closet on June 23. Police said Cannon had custody of the couple's children, who are 9 years old, 7 years old and 18 months old. Cannon had filed for divorce from Kelly Cannon in February and obtained an order of protection to keep her away from him and the children.
Mrs. Cannon's story seems, um, airtight:
Police said Kelly Cannon told them she went to her husband's home the night of June 22, but said she couldn't find him.
You know, I would have never seen this coming from Mrs. Cannon. I've always trusted women with arty glasses. Never again.
It's a shame, though; there are much more entertaining and lawful ways to seek revenge on a lawyer, like deleting the serial commas throughout the final draft of a brief or replacing all of his two-button suits with three-button suits.
In any event, this woman is clearly a threat to our people and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
(105) 
GRADE: F+. Too many things to mention. Again, tries waaaay too hard.
thirsty firsty
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Ouch. This was not as good as the bio post promised.
When I read this, I thought, "Damn! Sophist is a pretty good writer afterall!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Brief, good use of quotes, intersting (if disturbing)material. Not bad; I liked it.
B
This isn't Sophist, it's Alex.
"Upon honest reflection, I'm inclined to agree with them. Hell, some people might not like me, even though I'm pathologically nice, fun at parties, and a member of the ABA."
Ummm, this isn't therapy. Get to your point. Next!
Never hire Lat for HR!
FIRST to vote alex off the island!
Oh, c'mon. It was alright. I like the serial comma joke (I'm assuming it's because the news report omitted it in the list of kids).
8 -- I think that was the point. Alex's article is so bad, it made Sophist's look good (which takes some doing).
Opening stunk. Remainder was great. So far...
1. Alex
2. Marin
3. Sophist
Not cool. Not cool. You know, that story really didn't even have much potential to be funny in the first place. I mean, they had kids, for Pete's sake. Should have looked up why he had the protective order in the first place and stuck to the material that took place before the wife brutally murdered the dude. There's probably funny (and not gruesome and sad) material there...
Ouch. As much as I'm pulling for Alex, I must admit:
Marin > Alex in Round One
WTF. This is a horrible, depressing murder story that you're straining real hard to turn into an everybody-hates-lawyers joke. Go home.
I'm just happy it took me under 10 minutes to read this post, so Alex gets my vote over the other lame-o.
It had the same style as what we have come to expect, but, like others have already mentioned, Alex is trying way too hard.
Tries way too hard, but better than Sophist. Marin in the lead so far.
Not cool. Not cool. You know, that story really didn't even have much potential to be funny in the first place. I mean, they had kids, for Pete's sake. Should have looked up why he had the protective order in the first place and stuck to the material that took place before the wife brutally murdered the dude. There's probably funny (and not gruesome and sad) material there...
AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not cool. Not cool. You know, that story really didn't even have much potential to be funny in the first place. I mean, they had kids, for Pete's sake. Should have looked up why he had the protective order and stuck to the material that took place before the wife brutally murdered the dude. There's probably funny (and not gruesome and sad) material there...
Wow that isn't very good. I had such high hopes...
Terrible. Absolutely terrible.
I was pulling for Alex after the introductions but that was horrible. Alex = TTT*TTT
Ouch. As much as I'm pulling for Alex, I must admit:
Marin > Alex in Round One
Poor opening, but strong finish. "Hiding his body in the bedroom closet with, presumably, all of the other unmentionables" is classic.
Marin > Alex > Sophist, but I hope Alex can pull up a bit - still rooting for him.
The first paragraph is the worst thing I've seen on this blog since Lat did away with the Monday morning quarterback. If you read it without the first and last paragraphs, it's actually pretty good. Even so, the first paragraph is so bad that I have to rank this below Sophist and Marin. Better luck next time.
I was pulling for Alex after the introductions but that was horrible. Alex = TTT*TTT
Bad content. Bad writing (try for crisp, plain language next time). And terrible use of the link -- if you hyper link "arty glasse" it should be something about arty glasses, not a link to the news story.
D-
I was pulling for Alex after the introductions but that was horrible. Alex = TTT*TTT
Alex beats Marin. Marin's story was better suited to a blog about local news anchors. Besides, her alibi was hilarious.
Marin > Sophist > Carrot Top > Alex. Next!
Can someone tell me what "TTT" means?
Marin > Sophist > Carrot Top > Alex. Next!
I can certainly say that I really enjoyed this.
He may be a little off ATL's regular tastes, but I'm sure Alex will pick up soon enough when he's finally elected as the new editor! :)
The rest of you who disagree are all.... haters.
Disappointing, but it was short and easy to read.
oof. carrot top. classic.
33 - If you have to ask, you'll never understand
33 - If you have to ask, you'll never understand
Lose the first paragraph and it was good. Even though the subject was disturbingly "Dark Knight", at least it wasn't boring and long like Sophist's.
Had its moments, but is a bit of a letdown after the introduction/bio. I think Marin wins this round so far (although Sophist has already rowed off the island).
The last few paragraphs, mentioning the arty glasses, the serial comma, and the 3-button suit, are pretty good. And his writing is short and too the point. But the opening of the piece is weak.
This was not a good story for humorous treatment to begin with. And the first paragraph sounded much too self-absorbed. "So reports WATE News Channel 6" was an unnecessary paragraph, that could have been replaced by a colon at the end of the previous paragraph.
Marin > Alex > Sophist
Alex > everyone posting on this blog
C'mon, 38/39, I'm new to this and I need to pick up the freaking lingo...
TTT? Anyone? Be nice for a change?
-33
Agree that the alibi is humorous and the lead in was very well stated: "Mrs. Cannon's story seems, um, airtight." That's just the sort of biting sarcasm ATL readers know and love. But the content should have been posted as a serious story, not a funny story.
I also agree with 27. The intro was terrible. I don't want to read about Alex and how likable he thinks he is in an article he posts. The guy is trying way too hard and coming across as a total douche because of it.
Marin>Alex>Sophist>Barack Obama in round one
Just not funny, no wry wit, no truth ringing loudly from the heights of ivory towers.............Folks I think we've found our Sanjaya.
"Can someone tell me what "TTT" means?"
I am told it's some sort of student jargon at UPenn State - Philly Campus
TTT = top tier talent
29: True dat on the arty glasses link. A Tina Fey link would have worked better.
33 = Touro, class of '11
46 - just google TTT in the context of law school....you can figure it out. urbandictionary.com can help you too....
TTT = Third Tier Toilet (e.g., UPenn State Law School)
TLT = Top Legal Talent
You're gonna get eaten alive in practice, 33. Search the archives and stop asking stupid questions.
WAY better writer than Hope Winters
Alex beats Marin. No wannabe standups here please.
Alex beats Marin. No wannabe standups here please.
Damn,
I really didn't want to like Alex as his Bio tries WAY TOO HARD, but that was a good post.
Oh and Paul Hastings and Sonnenshite have Herpes (Just so no one thinks I am a newbie here to shrill for Alex)
Yikes!
A second candidate disappoints. (And I was an early Alex supporter.)
Delete: “I heard once that people don't like lawyers. Upon honest reflection, I'm inclined to agree with them. Hell, some people might not like me, even though I'm pathologically nice, fun at parties, and a member of the ABA.”
Delete: “So reports WATE News Channel 6”
Delete: “You know, I would have never seen this coming from Mrs. Cannon. I've always trusted women with arty glasses. Never again.”
Delete: “In any event, this woman is clearly a threat to our people and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.”
Then the post would have been OK, but far from hilarious.
Good use of quotes. More in the ATL style that Sophist.
Next.
Dear Alex:
If you don't plan to add humor, or any other modifier, on your own, please make sure the underlying substance of your post is SOMEWHAT interesting.
Best,
Alex
I figure somebody in Nashville is setting this woman up to cover up for an autoerotic asphyxiation association. The author is not telling all he knows, hence the reference to the 'unmentionables.'
I believe that the woman's alibi is perfect. If she never did want to see the accoutrements of her husband's passion, it stands to reason that she would not look into the closet.
-Ted K
33 -
Friend of Marin's reading the posts now that s/he was told to come here and troll
I gotta agree with the majority of the posts. Alex - this was not good and your getting spanked by the other contestants.
TTT = Third Tier Toilet. TTT is liberally used to describe something that sucks. For example, Alex's article was TTT.
Stylistically, this was the easiest to read of the posts, but Marin's had better jokes.
Good writing; good jokes; bad subject matter
"pathologically nice" ... David Archuleta, is that you?!?!
Sophist was too long, but the jokes were funnier.
This is a rip. Marin's story is ten times better than anyone else's.
Who the fuck asks questions on the comments section? Is it so fucking hard to search "ttt" & "law" and "t14" & "law". Google both and be done with it. Talk about admiting you are a virgin.
What this Alex's funny post, or serious post?
If for no other reason that a three button suit is often > than a two button suit (on the tall and not obese), I vote no.
Marin is better.
I gotta agree with the majority of the posts. Alex - this was not good and your getting spanked by the other contestants.
TTT = Third Tier Toilet. TTT is liberally used to describe something that sucks. For example, Alex's article was TTT.
Sadly, this was Alex's funny post.
And to 67: Marin has not posted yet. What do you mean her story is 10 times better?
I gotta agree with the majority of the posts. Alex - this was not good and your getting spanked by the other contestants.
TTT = Third Tier Toilet. TTT is liberally used to describe something that sucks. For example, Alex's article was TTT.
72 - yes it has been posted.
72 - Ouch.
- 69
74: Yea, just read it thanks.
I hate to say this (because I am an early Marin basher) but, aside from a weak lawyer angle, Marin's post is outstanding!
Wow. -10 points.
this isn't funny... its depressing. booooooo
wow. that was really weak. alex, you disappoint.
That avatar is just awful. Shows no imagination or wit.
This being a legal blog, perhaps you should not rush to judgment and ask that someone be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. No matter how unlikely her story, she has yet to be convicted...
Poor form.
49: Ha!
Couldn't get past the title. May I suggest Lawyer's Spouse of the Day.
Couldn't get past the title. May I suggest Lawyer's Spouse of the Day.
needs a punch line
TTT= Tasty Taco Tuesday
- El Rey de Tacos
What is wrong with three-button suits?
And in addition, you misunderstand Shakespeare"s "kill all the lawyers" reference. It is not a criticism of lawyers. Robert Post has a good discussion in "On the Popular Image of the Lawyer: Reflections in a Dark Glass," 75 California Law Review 379-89 (1987).
Temper Tantrum Tuesday around here, huh?
I thought this was a solid effort from Alex. Forget these naysayers.
What, dare I ask, is wrong with the word "wife"?
subtledig.com has a far better "of the day"
-subtledig troll
This is the worst so far.
Ha! I like it. Witty, short n sweet. Definitely the most endearing of the bunch so far....
Alex deletes serial commas? What an idiot.
Serial commas should be a topic of conversation in a future posting.....
Alex deletes serial commas? What an idiot.
Serial commas should be a topic of conversation in a future posting.....
Isn't it sad the murder of a lawyer gets more sympathy than the "alleged" rape of an associate? Maybe she was fed up with his "biglaw" antics...something I was pondering upon. I found her post rather entertaining. I even chuckled.
Three-button suits -- lame. I liked the work, but want better next time.
He has potential, but is definitely too big of a frat douchebag to run this blog.
88, somehow I doubt a law review article from 1987 has any meaningful insight on Shakespeare.
Lat- these people suck. Please end contest now as none of them can write worth a shit. Also, fuck you for putting your seal of approval on this drivel and making me think it might be worth reading during my morning procrastination session.
After Alex's truly impressive bio, I was admittedly surprised at a less than stellar first blog. I am not giving up on him and am looking forward to Alex showing ATL fans what he is made of in the next phase of competition!
Boo yah from Nashvegas. Thanks for the post on a local story. Who says all the crazies are in NY and DC?
I think the story had potential to make an interesting blog. Unfortunately, you were unsuccessful.
Grade: C- (That's being lenient)
I think the story had potential to make an interesting and amusing blog. Unfortunately, you were unsuccessful.
Grade: C- (That's being lenient)
I think the story had potential to make an interesting and amusing blog. Unfortunately, you were unsuccessful.
Grade: C- (That's being lenient)