Hello, My Concubine
We considered using this job posting as inspiration for a new installment in our Career Alternatives for Attorneys series. But that series is devoted to jobs you can do with a law degree that don’t involve working for Biglaw, and this ad is for a position that’s really more of a, um, side project.
Here is an excerpt from the ad, posted on New York City’s Craigslist:
Help Wanted: Concubine - m4w - 35 (Upper East Side)
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Job Description: You will regularly provide sexual services as needed and on demand. Specific services required will vary from time to time, but generally will encompass all ordinary sexual activities, with some “pushing of the envelope,” dependent upon a determination of where “the envelope” resides for you. The frequency of my need for your services will also vary, but generally I will call upon you two to three times per week… In short, your job description is to do as you are asked, without resistance or condition. While this position will not interfere with an ordinary “day job,” it does preclude concurrent involvement in any other sexual relationships.
Just reading this ad is “pushing our envelope.”
Qualifications: You must be a woman and over eighteen years of age, but otherwise age, race, and nationality will not be significant to the employment decision. Experience in a comparable position would be helpful, but is not necessary - I am willing to train the right person for the job. The successful candidate will be bright, articulate, extremely flexible, and willing to learn how best to fulfill her role as Concubine. Legal background (e.g., attorney, law student, or pre-law student) a plus, but not required.
Because those who work in law are already used to prostituting themselves? The preference for a legal background is puzzling. Perhaps the CL poster gets off on legalese, just like Jamie Lee Curtis’s character in A Fish Called Wanda got turned on by foreign languages?
(“Res ipsa my loquitur, baby…. Ooooh, just like that, yeah…. You habeas the most incredible corpus — are those real? Now mandamus me, I’ve been a bad boy….”)
“Compensation and Benefits” for the Craigslist gig include a small weekly allowance, housing, and a cell phone. Some people might be willing to put out for a Manhattan apartment… but it’s on the Upper East Side. Ick. Call us if something opens up below 14th Street.
While good performance may be rewarded with a cash bonus, don’t expect a promotion. In “Opportunity for Advancement,” the poster warns, “PLEASE NOTE that the position of Concubine is not on the girlfriend or wife career tracks.” So think of this as whoredom’s version of “Counsel” status.
(Yes, we know — some firms promote from the Counsel level to partnership. But many don’t.)
See the full Craigslist listing, after the jump.
It sounds a bit like the plot for Pretty Woman, except there’s a 90-day review.
Help Wanted: Concubine - m4w - 35 (Upper East Side)
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Reply to: pers-748073689@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-07-09, 9:22AM EDT
Job Description: You will regularly provide sexual services as needed and on demand. Specific services required will vary from time to time, but generally will encompass all ordinary sexual activities, with some “pushing of the envelope,” dependent upon a determination of where “the envelope” resides for you. The frequency of my need for your services will also vary, but generally I will call upon you two to three times per week. These times will always be outside of regular business hours, and generally in the upper east side of Manhattan, but the Concubine must be prepared to be otherwise flexible about times and locations. In short, your job description is to do as you are asked, without resistance or condition. While this position will not interfere with an ordinary “day job,” it does preclude concurrent involvement in any other sexual relationships.
Qualifications: You must be a woman and over eighteen years of age, but otherwise age, race, and nationality will not be significant to the employment decision. Experience in a comparable position would be helpful, but is not necessary - I am willing to train the right person for the job. The successful candidate will be bright, articulate, extremely flexible, and willing to learn how best to fulfill her role as Concubine. Legal background (e.g., attorney, law student, or pre-law student) a plus, but not required.Compensation and Benefits: You will be provided with a small room in a shared apartment in the upper east side, with utilities and cell phone bills paid, and a small weekly allowance. You may live in the room, should you so desire, but you need not.
Opportunity for Advancement: You will receive a performance review after ninety days, and another after one year in the position of Concubine. At these times, depending on your performance, you may be given a cash bonus, and/or your other compensation and benefits may be enhanced. For example, you may be permitted to move from the small room in the apartment to the larger room, or you may be awarded the use of the entire apartment to yourself. Additionally, I will give consideration to an increase in your weekly allowance at these times. PLEASE NOTE that the position of Concubine is not on the girlfriend or wife career tracks.
Application Process: Please respond to this ad by emailing to the address provided herein. A photograph is appreciated (and will be reciprocated) but is not at all required. I will contact you shortly after hearing from you to set up a preliminary interview.
We are amused by the professional tone of the ad, but ATL does not endorse concubine employment.
P.S. Speaking of prostitutes, are you curious about what — or whom — Eliot Spitzer’s hooker is going to do next? Check out this update on Ashley Dupre over at Dealbreaker.
Help Wanted: Concubine - m4w - 35 (Upper East Side) [Craigslist]
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Comments
Nice post. Seriously, remove the word "sexual," and set aside the hours, and it sounds a lot like an ad for an associate.
I responded to this ad and ended up with a job at Simpson. Weird.
Cajun Boy in the City, is that you?
When news is slow and pageviews are down, this is the fake stuff Lat drafts himself to keep us coming back.
Eliot Spitzer has, apparently, found craigslist.
Maybe Jeremy Pitcock is just taking a new approach.
LOL! @ 2:12
2:12 - Good stuff.
Umm, I'm sorry but isn't this illegal?
Gotta be a fake. What he's requesting is illegal, obviously.
Interesting that he says age isn't a factor. I'd love to see if he hires a 62-year-old Romanian ex-prostitute. She'd certainly have the right kind of experience and "can-do" attitude.
It's not big deal. Guys in my high school took concubines all the time.
Ya know, as someone searching for a new place in Manhattan, my first thought was, "So how big is the apartment?"
Sad, really.
i really wish this kind career was legal where i live.
I can't believe it took so long for a frat stud joke
I love the 90-Day/Yearly reviews. Quality control. Is there a survey filled out by the doorman or something to rate her performance?
2:24 and 2:25: have you ever read craigslist? There are entire sections for illegal activity.
lol 2:28. Move to Williamsburg.
"You will receive a performance review after ninety days"
For me this is the funniest part. Things done well: BJs are great. Things to improve on: dirty talk is offputting. Stop mentioning your cat.
Manhattan Snob here. As SATC said, "I don't go to Brooklyn."
Q: What's the only thing that separates Jersey from being Brooklyn?
A: The Hudson.
Nice Fish Called Wanda mention, Kash.
Marry me.
Kash, damnit: "Res ipsa my loquitur, baby.... Ooooh, just like that, yeah.... You habeas the most incredible corpus -- are those real? Now mandamus me, I've been a bad boy...."
You are truly a goddess. Marry me? I'll take a lack of response as a "yes."
I think I took a summer associate "position" as a concubine back in '01.
The hours were good, but the events were kinda weird.
He can res my judicata anytime. No homo.
I'd be concerned that my first performance review would be great (exceeds expectations or strong performer) but then, like at certain large law firms, my reviews would suddenly change for no apparent reason, and I would be dumped.
Hmmm, maybe this guy shouldn't hire someone who knows that you cannot consent to assault...because I have a good feeling that this guy is into rough play. Also, 100 bucks he's talking about ATM.
Out of curiosity, does the OP ever plan to enroll in law school? It seems like it would feel odd to pursue a JD after covering so many quirky legal stories.
I suspect what the employer really wants is an associate with "benifits".
I also suspect that a very attractive decoy cop will soon apply for this position.
I'd be concerned that my first performance review would be great (exceeds expectations or strong performer) but then, like at certain large law firms, my reviews would suddenly change for no apparent reason, and I would be dumped.
"Call us if something opens up below 14th Street."
Whoa, there, Kash, is this a reference to your own proclivities?
Who is in the bigger room now, and how does he have the ability to just kick him/her out if the performance review is good enough?
2:12
Great post
2:49 - There's always a reason why the ones who are picked are picked, dude. People need to stop feeling sorry for themselves and either realize that they suck at their jobs or are victims of bad luck.
2:53 needs to elaborate on why some people receive sub-standard reviews. Do they network poorly? Are they social outcasts or horrendous writers?
Guys in my high school use to masturbate to the thought of Kash being their concubine all the time, it was no big deal.
2:56 - Guys at my law firm do that all the time, too.
only dorks, douchebags, and dipshits live above 14th street. kash got that part right.
2:56 + 2:59 = tandem posts of the day.
2:48 here. Nobody ever answered my question. How does the OP feel about Law School after covering the legal profession's quirkiest practices and members? Better? Worse? Ambivalent?
Also, I think I wonder for all of us when I express some natural curiosity about any special others in the lives of our favorite bloggers. :) Should we expect to see anything interesting in the legal wedding watch?
i think the legal experience part is ridiculous .. wtf? ...
2:55 - Variety of reasons. Some people just don't do good work, period. How could firms know? People are basically hired blind. Sure, SA programs are supposed to weed out the weirdos, pervs and people who will obviously suck, but since all have to get offers (in most markets anyway, and yes, I'm aware of cold offers but you can't cold-offer 1/4 of the class), some people who we know will be losers end up getting hired. When times get tough, they'll be the first to go.
The other things you said (networking, social outcasts), I think matter a lot less than the quality of work, at least at the two firms where I've worked.
Just remember that while the true superstars can do it all--network, have great technical skills, are appropriately political within the firm, mentor (or at least fake it), etc.--most people I've seen make partner with serious deficiencies in at least some of these areas.
Also, luck plays a huge part in all of this. While it's obvious that I wouldn't want to be one of the poor saps at TPW, I also wouldn't want to be up for partner last year, this year, or next year in M&A, some types of securities or general corporate (at most firms, anyway)...good luck...
Why is this illegal?
yes this is pitcock's new idea. anyway kash like below 14th because its near nyu
Question: I think the fact that the solicitor is offering room and board (compensation) makes this illegal. But, if that was taken out of the equation, wouldn't this be totally legal, even the bonus structure? The bonus isn't actually payment for work, it's a gratuitous payment for past action, which isn't really consideration in and of itself, right? My contracts 101 is a bit rusty now, but those are my thoughts.
3:24 like the way you think
Must be "extremely flexible." Fantastic!
Why are people so impressed with food?
I'm being serious. Food is not expensive and it's really bad for you in many ways. It's not expensive, especially compared to what you paid for your law school education and room/board. It's bad for you because it makes you fat for one thing.
I just don't understand it.
P.S. It also gives you bad gas which offends your office mate, so please do not eat huge lunches. Or at least take a dump right after. I'm glad I got this off my chest.
What is a cold offer?
I'm sorry, but how does this differ from dating?
With my TTT education and this economy, responding to this ad ain't looking like a bad option!
I've never understood why people don't offer prostitutes an oral contract (no pun intended) to appear in a porno movie and then throw a camera next the bed during whatever acts go down (pun intended). Technically, the john isn't paying for sex. Instead it's art!
Allow me to rephrase: Why should this remain illegal?
I see no reason to ban this, if both parties are mentally competent and of an age to consent absent coercion.
this guy is obviously a corporate partner in some firm and has this thing being debated for the longest time. legal or illegal, hence the need to "hire" someone with legal experience outside m&a
@4:52 - I actually tried to convince a friend of mine in law school to write a con law paper on the topic of why prostitution becomes pornography (and therefore legal) when money is involved. If I said "pay me to have sex," I get arrested. If I saw "I'll pay you to be in an amateur film that I'll post on youporn," it's legal. Strange, huh?
@4:20 - I think you're posting on the wrong thread. We care about sex here, not food. And you write like a caveperson. I'm just sayin . . .
2:48/3:03 - that's probably because no one know what the crap you are talking about ... or at least I don't.
What's a "Kash"? Shouldn't it be "Cache"?
5:04: "a con law paper on the topic of why prostitution becomes pornography ... when money is involved"
That would be a tough topic.
I'm surprised that it was posted at 9:22 am and as of 5:15 it's still there.
Well OK maybe I shouldn't be surprised...
4:20 - I'm not sure how your officemate taking a dump on your chest after lunch is relevant to this thread.
Does "extremely flexible" mean with my time?
I expect to see this situation played out on an upcoming episode of Law & Order.
What, no health insurance?
Guys at my high school use to post ads for illegal services on Craigslist all the time. It was no big deal.
By the way, Kash is the best.
5:32 - more importantly, no test results needed before first day?
Uh, prostitution doesn't "turn into" pornography; pornography is just a legalized form of prostitution. Which, actually, suggests that it isn't speech at all, so perhaps it shouldn't be protected. Hmm...
And those of you who favor legalizing prostitution, reasoning "it's just the same as dating" -- then why don't you just go find yourselves a girlfriend? If it's the same thing, why all the fuss about legalizing something you apparently think is actually already legal? Oh wait... maybe it really *isn't* the same as dating... whoops. Damn, guess you'll have to treat women like human beings instead of monetized commodities if you wanna get laid, for the time being. Bummer, dude.
@ 6:11 - Interesting take, so porn is a subcategory of prostitution? I can jive with that, though it still (legally anyway) gets taken out of the category of prostitution. See these were the questions I wanted my friend to try to answer in his law school paper!
And I support legalized prostitution not because it's like dating, but rather because I think it would be better for the prostitutes. They could unionize, band together to get healthcare, and get rid of their pimps, which are the worst offenders of all. In other words, yes, I think prostitution should be legalized from a human rights perspective.
4:34 - What you'll be getting at the end of the summer. Ha ha ha...
Seriously, though, it's when the firm no-offers you but as a compromise allows each party to say that an offer was given. This helps the firm on the NALP forms (100% offers!) and the loser summer during 3L interviews ("so why aren't you going back to XYZ firm? didn't you get an offer?" "hell, yeah, I got an offer, but I want to be able to do the sophisticated cross-border work that your firm does more of").
5:04- there is something in the porn industry like that. the star will commit to making a "private video" with some random guy (a.k.a Jon) then destroy the tape after or let the man keep it so long as he does not sell it or put it online.
I would be laughing at 2:12 post, if I wasn't already working at Simpson.
White Girl-Concubines With Asian Guys!!!
--WGWAG 4eva
Actually a legal background is smart... the candidate would understand how to protect the client, and have a vested interest in the discretion. Well thought out I'd say.
I don't know how he thinks a practicing lawyer in NY could commit to um, dates, even after "regular business hours."
Clearly a non-lawyer with a lawyer fetish.
And "without resistance or condition"? WTF? Don't fight back when I do something you don't like?
Too bad there are no ads like this for me (a guy) to respond to.
I guess I'll have to cross-dress to see if I can fool him.
Or maybe the ad is from a butch looking for an "innocent" girl to play games with?
Oh, the mystery of it all!
Bet the successful applicant has to sign a multi-page contract agreeing not to show up or call him at his office or home, not to have any relationships with another man, to be "available" 24/7, to shower before each encounter, to keep the apartment clean, etc.