Pants Down: An Eyewitness Account of an Ill-Fated Firm Retreat (Part 1)
[Ed. note: This is the first contribution to ATL by former practicing attorney Hope Winters (not her real name), whose byline you may see in these pages from time to time. Please note that a few years have passed between the events in question and the writing of this account. Accordingly, as is often the case with memoirs, it may contain errors, as well as a certain amount of poetic license. Enjoy.]
When I was a first-year associate at a major international law firm, I got the e-mail, on an otherwise perfect June summer day. It was news all of the associates dreaded.
"Please reserve the weekend of July 13-15 for our annual firm retreat at the Lansdowne Resort in Virginia. We welcome the opportunity to meet our colleagues from around the world.... on Saturday afternoon, you will have your choice of recreational activities...."
Blah. Blah. Blah.
My mind started racing as I was running the clock in Westlaw. I immediately started thinking of reasons I could not attend this event: a family wedding, a prepaid vacation to Italy, the funeral of my brother-in-law. AS IF I wanted to spend one more day with these insecure, undersexed, overpaid, workaholic, boring lawyers.
Let alone an entire weekend. I cherished my weekends -- half of which were spent in the office, and half of which were spent on massive spending sprees at the nearby mall, in a desperate attempt to assuage the pain of the firm.
And now they were bringing over all our "global" colleagues, from places like the Czech Republic and Bratislava. I thought about all the money this would cost. And, just like all the unnecessary art work and antique furniture the firm proudly displayed, this just meant more billable hours for us.
This sucked. AND, to top it all off, we find to had "roommate" for resort lodging. This is not college. And, just like high school gym class, the distant memories of rejection immediately resurfaced. I had to quickly find a partner, or I would be alone or, worse yet, assigned a roommate. And, I hate everyone here.
All the e-mails between the girl associates had already gone out. I knew that much. Girls operate out of insecurity, panic and fear when it comes to pairing with other girls. I quickly texted my only real friend in the firm, Rachel.
"This retreat blows. Ughhh. Do you want to room with me?"
"I know. Totally. Sorry, Maria just asked me."
Here we go. The mad dash to find a suitable roommate. I bet the partners don't have roommates. Those greedy bastards. Hello? I haven't had a "roommate" since I was a 20-year-old residing in a sorority group house.
In any event, after myriad attempts to secure a girl, my quasi-friend, Eleanor in Litigation, agreed to be mine. At least that part was over.
TO BE CONTINUED...
* * * * *
Hope Winters is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist. She lives in Washington, DC, and blogs at Here's the Thing.
(193) Comments
This is the single least interesting post in the history of ATL. No point. No conclusion.
Life sure is tough when a firm tries to give you free stuff.
Lousy punctuation and syntax.
Aren't the opening few paragraphs supposed to hook you? Then why am I falling aslep? Zzzzzzzzzz
4:00, it says "To Be Continued" - that is presumably when readers will get the conclusion.
Let's just skip to the part where you get canned for making out with Rachel and Maria...at the same time!
that was horrid.
i am literally salivating, waiting to see how this ends.
Is this like the old movie serials? Where's the cliff hanger?
Hope Winters. Any relation to Jade Ray?
That sounds simply awful. The thought of having to go on expenses paid, weekend long retreats at nice resorts is really making me rethink this law school thing.
I can't wait for part two!
This has potential. I will reserve judgment until the series is over.
i hope the narrator gets written out of the story before its conclusion.
When law firms have retreats, don't you usually get your own room?
HOPE to make this story more interesting.
See, the word "HOPE" is in all caps because it has a double meaning.
If I wanted to read morelawyer-turned-would-be-novelist drek, I'd by a Sophie Kinsella novel.
I think John Grisham is ghost-writing this.
Not a compliment.
the title line has promise..
Hey everyone. The subtext of 15's comment is that John Grisham is not very good at writing.
boy we're all a little cranky today. i gather from the title that there will be some pants lowered, no? i'm always up for that. bring on part 2.
"When I was a first-year associate at a major international law firm, I got the e-mail, on an otherwise perfect June summer day." COMMA SPLICE
lat are you drunk again! what the hell is this.
also i propose that lat is making up these scandals just as soon as he wrote that article about how there are no scandals this year
I stopped reading when I saw that the author took "poetic license" with the facts. I have no interest in reading some washed up lawyer's fan-fiction about biglaw.
Lat, can't you have someone proofread this crap before posting?
by mentioning bratislava and czech republic, she basically narrowed down her major international law firm to white & case, DLA, or a magic circle firm
only mention it in case the story turns out to be something scandalous. the 3 of you who bother to read part 2 can let us know.
On Wednesday afternoon, I logged on to ATL in the hopes of reading some interesting bit of legal news or gossip. My eyes scanned an article written by someone named Hope Winters.
As I read, the contents of my stomach began to swirl.
TO BE CONTINUED . . .
I'm writing some BIGLAW slashfiction. Will you publish it, Lat?
24--Your comment was similar in style to the post on which you were commenting.
Unless this ends up with a sorority girl topless pillow fight on the retreat, I say we don't need post 2.
uh hope i know what happened but i will not spoil it for the rest of them
26--Your comment's humor is based in sarcasm!
So is this one!
I liked this. She's a good writer.
Retarded
i wonder if this is the same craptastic retreat i was sent on or if all firms punish their own at landsdowne...
What is this? A college literary magazine?
"Hope Winters is an early retired lawyer, turned Senate staffer, turned corporate lobbyist."
Wouldn't it have been shorter and equally accurate just to say "Hope Winters is a soulless whore."?
Jesus, she can't write for shit either.
Unless this takes a profoundly Sapphic turn in the next section, this might be the most poorly executed ATL segment ever.
"This sucked. AND, to top it all off, we find to had "roommate" for resort lodging"
*kills self*
Tits or GTFO.
typical legacy admit turned writer.
24 - today is thursday retard .. j/k i forgot what day it was too .. oh well, back to barbri
"I had to quickly find a partner, or I would be alone or, worse yet, assigned a roommate. And, I hate everyone here."
This story is taking place in both the past and the present. That's almost as impressive as "we find to had."
This was great! I think the rest of these crabby posters need to get laid! I loved the link to Hope's blog - great stuff there too! She's an amazing writer! Get a life, the rest of you!
This was great! I think the rest of these crabby posters need to get laid! I loved the link to Hope's blog - great stuff there too! She's an amazing writer! Get a life, the rest of you!
This was great! I think the rest of these crabby posters need to get laid! I loved the link to Hope's blog - great stuff there too! She's an amazing writer! Get a life, the rest of you!
Check out her blog and its first post. She's nothing but an anti-hirsutite!
"One of the 'much older' partners actually did throw off her hippie dress and dive into the pool in a bikini raising high her unshaved pits.
"What girl doesn’t shave their armpits? And if you don’t want to because you fancy yourself a Nicaraguan, keep them down -- not raised."
I love when Lat introduces new people that every commenter complains about. Reading the comments (for example, 34 and 36) justifies reading the post.
"AND, to top it all off, we find to had "roommate" for resort lodging."
It seems like this was supposed to be a pivotal sentence. I love it.
Lousy story.
Lousy writing.
Lousy pen name.
40-42 = hope winters
obviously she hasn't learned how to post yet either
I find to had better way to procrastinate
So this person hated working at a law firm, and hated everyone who worked there. Is there a point to this beyond that? "Hope Winters" sounds pretty bitter to have this level of vitriol at a job that she apparently has not had for a while.
latty i'm with you for giving new folks a try. keep 'em coming. let's see what this chick can do. jesus we're all frickin' miserable at our desks today eh?
Why are people proofreading this article? No one cares if you can spot a grammatical error.
Why are people just so furious about this post? Don't worry I'm sure we will be getting plenty of posts about canvas gift bags and free cookies as soon as fall recruitment kicks in.
P.S. Just to save you the trouble, I go to University of Phoenix online law school and I am summering at McDonalds.
Ms. Winters is getting a chilly reception.
I know I'm interested as an associate who works at a big DC int'l firm, with too much int'l art, retreats at Landsdowne, and too many people I hate.
And, to top it all off, Lat says I find to had an editor!
I say, This, is not college, no way.
- Hope
Perhaps this post is a tryout for Lat's replacement as Editor of ATL.
I *hope* it's not Ms. Winters.
Lat,
When do I get a guest spot? I can make up boring stories too!
40 = Rachel or Maria
It's like a reverse subtledig.com - only horrible
I'm sick of people like Ms. Winters. If the people are so horrible and the work is so dreadful and you need to fill your empty life with clothes and shit and you essentially hate your life, why did you bother going to law school in the first place? Oh, that's right... because your piss-poor research skills--the ones that force you to work weekends as a summer--didn't come in too handy when you were deciding what to do with your English degree.
Spare me. Lat, you can do better.
This is...not good. Can I join your staff and write blog posts about what it's like to review documents all day?
Why are people proofreading this article? No one cares if you can spot a grammatical error.
Why are people just so furious about this post? Don't worry I'm sure we will be getting plenty of posts about canvas gift bags and free cookies as soon as fall recruitment kicks in.
P.S. Just to save you the trouble, I go to University of Phoenix online law school and I am summering at McDonalds.
Look, even if a partner took off his pants and ended up f'ing a 1st year in the pool this is boring. People drink and f and say inappropriate things all the time. I've had sex at an office party before, and I've paid two girls to make out at a company event, and I've been on retreats where the whole purpose was to take clients out to clubs to see naked people. Only reason I stopped doing stuff like that is now people can get free publicity by making a scandal out of it. This blog is ruining fun. Wouldn't you rather do it than humiliate those who do?
yes this is a chilly reception and i am part of it (above), however, we are testing hopes resolve. can she handle this hostile crowd?
hope take a helpful tip: post a pic and if its any good you got the crowd
BOO
She's no Tucker Max
If you hate everyone at the firm doesn't that say something about you as well as the firm?
wall of text
the blog is great. we need the rest of the story.
Of all the things you could complain about in biglaw, the firm retreat is pretty low on the list. And crying and whining about not being able to find a roommate? What are you, 15 years old?
4:51(3) clearly has his own entrance to his parents' basement. Sweet dude.
The sign of a good story is it sparks ire in many and hope in others... Good job Hope keep the stories coming and don't let the partners, er posters, keep you down
This is awful. What the hell is this, the female version of Philadelphia Lawyer? I do not read ATL for crap like this.
how about a lame contest to guess the last chapter? my guess is that she engages in hot lesbian sex with her roommate and then in a hreesome with a full equity partner in which she is a** f**ked.
this blows, lat... or are you turning into a david e. kelly wannabe?
Lat, you're competing against a myriad of other procrastination techniques. Remember that.
Can't believe that Hollywood hasn't picked this up yet. I'm giddy with breathless anticipation for the next installment. On second thought, taking a dump down the hall will seem like a 2 Live Crew concert compared to this snoozer.
You had years to finish typing this story. You are FIRED!
oh come on, lighten up. this is funny stuff. so true. maybe you have to be a big firm for a few years to appreciate it.
"what kind of boy gets a tea set for his birthday?"
"I think we both know the answer to that. A lucky boy..."
Being an attorney was too terrible for her. Then she took at step down to Senate staffer then a massive step down the ladder of horrible professions to corporate lobbyist.
Am I missing something here?
This is like that time my girlfriend convinced me to watch sex and the city. Only worse.... much worse.
philalawyer.net is way better and has been doing it for years
Roommates? Cheap bastards. Wait until two roomates get in a fight or oh they start kissing - that'll change that policy right quick!
Lindquist in MN do this roommate thing so people can make out with their roommates in privacy?
This story should have started with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought I would be writing to you, but..."
Is this going to be a lesbian story?
What does Hope have against the former Czechoslovakia?
First!
A firm where attorneys have to bunk together? Hope is obviously writing about her time at Sherin Lodgen.
http://www.sherin.com/
A firm where attorneys have to bunk together? Hope is obviously writing about her time at Sherin Lodgen.
http://www.sherin.com/
I saw the prequel to this one and I will spoil it for all you: Girl goes to law school, becomes a lawyer, is bored as hell. One day, HOPEless decides to write about the one exciting and funny (to her) thing that happened since she became a lawyer. Can you guess what that was?
As Chappelle playing Rick James once said: I wish I had more hands so I can give those tittys 4 thumbs down!
Can't wait to see the sequel!!!!
5:09(2) - hilarious (and rings true for me, too).
PAINFUL READ.
how can you compare this to Philalawyer?
No self-respecting real law firm would actually require roommates on a corporate retreat/function. I call bs.
ATL. SHARK. JUMPED.
It's official.
To be continued = ttt
Yes -- the shark has jumped. This site lives for, and dies by, summer associate scandals. When there are none, we get posts like this.
"AND, to top it all off, we find to had "roommate" for resort lodging. This is not college."
No, Hope, this is not college. If it were, you would fail. Miserably.
What a waste of space. Can't someone make up a fun rumor about some firm merger without any basis in fact. At least the totally fabricated rumors are more entertaining.
Better yet, let's make up rumors about layoffs and watch people squirm about it in horror. At least those rumors are fun fiction.
This wasn't amusing when that "opinionista" woman did it, and it's not any better now. As much as I enjoy seeing every negative stereotype about female lawyers (and females generally) confirmed in print, I don't know why Lat is publishing this.
94 - I am at an Amlaw 100 firm that requires roommates on retreats. If you want your own room you need to pay for the half that a roommate would have occupied.
I second #1 - what a completely and utterly useless post. I feel sorry for having wasted the few minutes I spent reading this article. The demise of this blog is fast approaching. Terrible, terrible post.
I like this post. I like the writing style and I'm looking forward to part 2. And no, I am not Hope Winters' Mom.
101, I'm with 94. No firm I know of would ever require "roommates" at retreats or otherwise. That part is bs, thus is her entire story. What next? Associates have to "room" together at the hotel on a business trip? A partner and an associate? Does gender matter? No freakin' way.
Then 103, you must be Hope Winters b/c no person in their sane mind could have liked this post.
Terrible.
Boooooo.
I hope the cheap bastards at my firm take note of the incredulous responses from people at other firms regarding the roommate requirement at retreats.
-101
This is terrible. "This sucked. AND, to top it all off, we find to had "roommate" for resort lodging. This is not college. And, just like high school gym class, the distant memories of rejection immediately resurfaced. I had to quickly find a partner, or I would be alone or, worse yet, assigned a roommate. And, I hate everyone here."
She doesn't proofread her blogs probably just like her memos...
Guys in my high school find to had roommates all the time....it was no big deal.
Why does this site suck so bad, and why do I keep coming back?
this was shit.
Retarded and FIRST!
97/5:53 - The shark doesn't jump. The shark *is* jumped (over). By Fonzie. On water skis.
Hope: a few words of advice, as I don't think you're necessarily as bad as the majority of the commenters here. 1) Cut most of the unimportant details. 2) Cut your feelings. 3) Don't post "to be continued" before anything exciting has happened at all whatsoever.
If you had been short and sweet and simply related whatever scandalous thing had happened, people would be much happier. But in all likelihood, because this was your first post out of the gate, people will remember you as "that chick-lit wanna-be girl" and you will be forever scorned in the comments. Sorry, brace yourself.
Must post a story about a merger or summer associate foible! Even if based on just rumor and innuendo.
i am giving all you commenters a great big hug. thanks! this thread made my day!!!
This post and, based on a quick scan, the rest of her blog are perfect examples of the crap that comprises 99% of the blogosphere: bad writers babbling about their boring lives. ATL gets traffic because Lat and some of the other writers (e.g. Laurie Lin) are pretty amusing writers. Readers of ATL rely on some filtering (not editing) mechanism to keep this kind of bottom of the barrel nonsense out.
unless there is going to be cunninlingus involved in the eventual roommate pairing, why am I reading this?
Do Cravath have any retreats? Davis?
ATL better step up its game. Reddit's getting better and better all the time.
Do the associates at Davis fuck each other because they are the beautiful firm?
Do the associates at Davis fuck each other because they are the beautiful firm?
Lat, that was terrible. Let's not have anymore of her.
When I worked at Morgan Lewis they required us to have roommates at the new associate retreat.
Then this one time, at band camp....
Regardless of whether "Hope" is a good writer or bringing her audience an interesting story, there is a lesson to be learned from this post:
FIRM RETREATS SUCK ASS.
There is no eloquent way to put it. Why do they make us suffer through this shit? I don't care if they send me to a five star resort in a tropical location during the middle of winter. I still want my weekend to myself; even if it's just drinking with my friends in the city, even if I have to go into the office for a few hours on Saturday afternoon, even if the most exciting thing that happens to me is that I go to the gym for an hour.
It is still far more enjoyable than having to be "on" the whole time you're at the retreat. I am happy to socialize with my colleagues in the office; hell, I actually like a lot of them. But I don't want to spend a whole weekend with them. I'm not going to "let loose" and get to know them better, I'm not going to come back to work feeling refreshed and recharged, and I'm not going to be "grateful" that the firm is providing me an all-expenses paid trip. Quite the contrary: I'll be on my best Young Professional behavior, I'll be physically and emotionally drained by the time I return to work, and I'll be ticked that I inevitably had to miss a party or a dinner or something fun with my non-work friends.
So yeah, I find firm retreats infuriating. You want to boost my morale? Let me stay home. There isn't an open tab in the world that could change my mind (and it's not like I'd get to really enjoy the free liquor anyway, see, e.g., lesbian kiss scandal).
This post was so boring I can't even think of a snarky comment.
I am very dissapointed by the comments in this post. Take this for what it is... an entertaining piece about life as a summer associate. Although I am not an attorney I am married to one and I can say this with all certainty, if she was as cynical and snotty and as judgmental as you, I would have stayed a million miles away. Luckily I know a few lawyers with a sense of humor. These comments are a superb example of why lawyers have such a bad rap.
I am very dissapointed by the comments in this post. Take this for what it is... an entertaining piece about life as a summer associate. Although I am not an attorney I am married to one and I can say this with all certainty, if she was as cynical and snotty and as judgmental as you, I would have stayed a million miles away. Luckily I know a few lawyers with a sense of humor. These comments are a superb example of why lawyers have such a bad rap.
Holy shit. I thought Nancy Mitford was the girliest of the girlie. Reading that post was like listening to a teenager talk on the phone. So many words for so little substance.
It was worth it for some of the comments, though.
I think writers need to remember that their audience DOES NOT CARE about them. What the author feels, thinks, and experiences has absolutely no value to the reader. It's all about what THEY can be made to feel, think, and experience. The voice needs to disappear.
And for Christ sake the writing is drawn out to such an extreme (above and on the blog) that is almost seems that she's trying NOT to tell the story. Spreading food out on a plate makes it appear as LESS not more.
Okay, maybe I'm not following something properly. This woman complains about working with "these insecure, undersexed, overpaid, workaholic, boring lawyers." Then, she defecates the proverbial brick when someone, obviously and obliviously secure and pharmaceutically oversexed, enters her office and he tells her that he is raring to go?
Is this that condition people are referring to when they state someone is schizo?
129/130: you're right, EXCEPT:
1) A post which amounts to "I hated being a lawyer and they made me get a roommate on a retreat" is not 'entertaining.'
2) As hostile and judgmental as the comments are, they're not as snotty and judgmental as the original post itself, which dwells endlessly about how much Hope "hates" her "boring" and "undersexed" (an attorney? BORING? NO WAY!) former colleagues.
3) Having a sense of humor would not help one enjoy the above post because there is NOTHING FUNNY in it. Unless you just mean being able to rofl at the ineptness.
jeezus no wonder everyone hates us. lighten up people. or at least wait til part 2.
I actually just read this again to see if somehow I'd missed something redeeming in it the first time around. I might as well have punched myself in the groin.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I won't be back for several days. Lat, you should be ashamed of yourself for this one.
Unless . . .
You think ATL is clever enough to give us the shittiest post ever so that we would entertain ourselves for hours in the comments. Genius.
Incidentally, I'm sorry to hear so many of your retreats suck, becuase my firm retreat is pretty sweet. Lawyers take significant others or friends and do whatever they want while there. I enjoyed my colleagues' company at the dinners and the earlier hours at the bars (with the open tabs), but I spent the days getting massages and lounging on the beach with my wife and the late nights with my buddies.
there's bitter irony in the way all the negative posts have guaranteed that this will now be an 8 part series.
130+ posts = $$ in lat's pocket
All her maudlin whining doesn't helping perceptions of female lawyers. I agree, firm retreats suck. But the big boys think they are something special and shell out the coin for them. Just be polite and say thank you. Is that so hard? Or just be pragmatic and say it is politically expedient to cheerfully participate in this event. If you want to be some anti-social recluse with no sense of humor, go be a law professor asswipe.
Reading these comments is the most fun I've had all week. Then again, I am studying for the bar.
- Retroactive #1
I think the reason AU's reputation is so poor is related to three things: (1) according to U.S. News and World Report, AU is the lowest ranking law school on the east coast; (2) according to the ABA's Standing Committee on Law School Accredidation, as of February 2008, AU's accrediation has been suspended; and (3) according to most commenters on this site, no AU student would accept a slot at AU if he/she also was accepted to GULC, GW, Catholic, Maryland, Baltimore, GMU, UDC, Howard, or any other area-school.
Sincerely,
Concerned AU alumni
wtf where is the story??
such a cliffhanger hope! youre such a good writer! I cant wait to read more of your work in the coming months!
I bet it ends with the partners sitting around watching her getting double penetrated by Eleanor and Rachel with strap-ons