ATL Idol: The Judges Speak (Week 2)
Happy Friday! You know what that means: time to hear from the celebrity judges in ATL Idol, the “reality blogging” competition in which you will select the next editor of Above the Law. And time to vote, when the polls open later today.
Your judges need no introduction, but for the record:
See what they have to say about the contestants this week, after the jump.
Same set-up as last week. The judges were called upon to judge only the head-to-head round, in which four contestants tackled two assigned stories (here and here). The judges were permitted, but not required, to read the contestants’ other posts during the week, as well as reader comments appended thereto.
PROFESSOR ANN ALTHOUSE
University of Wisconsin Law School
[Ed. note: How does this competition make Professor Althouse feel? See here.]
MARIN relies heavily on exaggeration: “challenged their manhunt expertise to the very core,” “pinpoint the exact location” (which is a redundancy), “[t]he three bandits … will likely be executed.” I found “executed” kind of funny (and a strong ending). We also get pop culture references: Wii (unimaginatively linked to the Wikipedia entry on the subject) and the movies “The Fugitive” and “U.S. Marshals” (with a poster for the latter). I don’t get “No word yet on the brand of water.” Some inside joke? Marin resorts to the paper-thin comedy of the thesaurus: the story is about theft, so we get a synonym for “theft” in nearly every sentence — “caper… stolen… heist… looters… abducted… bandits… stealing… purloining…” That got tiresome and corny. Instead of taking a point of view and — for example — criticizing the government for coming down so hard on these workers, Marin tried to portray everyone as clownish. But since no one here is really that funny, it mostly felt like a rewrite of the original news story. Why not say something elliptical and send us to the news story to get to the details and have the laugh?
ALEX tries to paint some pictures. First, we see the office workers gathering around the water cooler to make small talk, which is a good image. But he/she has them meeting to discuss “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Would office workers today be meeting to discuss a show that went off the air in 2005? Alex seems to want us to scoff at the lame office workers, but he/she seemed lame for failing to come up with a better TV reference. Alex writes “The employees quickly notified the, um, U.S. Marshal Service, launching a building-wide search that culminated in three arrests,” and I think “um” is a tired device. Here, he/she is trying to create a slapstick picture of a one-building search, but nothing in this language has the feeling of slapstick, so again, the picture doesn’t do what it’s meant to do. Alex serves this up as a punchline: “authorities have not yet released the race, national origin, religion, or breast size of the individuals involved. Apparently, the story is newsworthy regardless.” What is it with Alex? On the previous round, I had to tell him: “it’s not cool to snark ‘lovers’ quarrel’ if a man has punched a woman in the stomach. And you’ve got that right next to a breast-emphasizing photo of the woman. Ugh.” Again, I have to say: Ugh.
SOPHIST’s best sentence is:
I briefly toyed with the idea of suing Ms. Greenberg for the environmental damage she caused by driving the 86 miles from her home in Perrysburg, OH, to the vet in Southfield, MI; but the carbon footprint of filing a frivolous lawsuit does more harm than good.
The first half of that is nice, and it expresses what should have been the focus of the whole post, that Greenberg shouldn’t be driving so far to take the cat to the vet. But the stuff after the semi-colon is clunky. Don’t be afraid to go short. Recognize your best idea and highlight it! Don’t drag it down with excess. Then there’s this:
When reached for comment about the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and the legal ramifications of directly billing the government absent a valid contractual obligation, Sammy responded “Meow,” and then returned to furiously licking his balls.
Eh. Cats licking their balls is a cliché. For a pop culture reference, you’ve got the “Simpsons” cat lady picture, but that is actually pretty inapt, because Greenberg isn’t crazy. She’s just annoying and entitled.
FROLIC AND DETOUR also picks up the main idea:
You might wonder why Greenberg was on the road in the first place, given her concern about the atmospheric impact of fossil fuel combustion. She was taking her cat to his allergist, a 173-mile round trip.
That prose should be tweaked for more comic effect. Polysyllabic tedium like “atmospheric impact of fossil fuel combustion” is no fun at all. Frolic and Detour ends with a nice effort at digging up horrifyingly dreary gossip column crap about Greenberg, but it suggests how the whole post could be kicked up a notch. Greenberg should come alive from the first line to the last as a ridiculous comic figure. The “Nights in Seville” and “Fabulous Vegas” galas could have been used much more aggressively to paint her as a very irritating character.
THOMAS C. GOLDSTEIN
Akin Gump
Judging by recent comments, it seems we’ve entered a friendlier phase of the contest. Is it buyer’s remorse? (Maybe EXLEY wasn’t so bad.) Resignation? Or did the trolliteriat exhaust itself last week?
As for the contestants:
MARIN: What’s your point? That U.S. Marshals are lazy? If so, it’s neither funny nor true. Judging by your own pop-culture reference, I’d have thought Marshals were gung-ho - chasing criminals through dam floodgates and grain elevators (or whatever that was at the close of U.S. Marshals). And while I don’t mind the “thesaurus-exploded-all-over-my-post” style of writing, I’m disappointed “purloin” didn’t make an appearance until the last paragraph. Overall, I’d say your post was shamateurish.
ALEX: I must agree with Ann. Yes, it’s amusing that office workers gather around the water cooler to discuss [blank]. It’s the stuff within those brackets where you tripped up. Let’s bring our cultural references up to date. Also, were you seriously unaware that U.S. Marshals guard federal courthouses? I guess you’ve only appeared in state courts. Finally, mocking the judges is not a recipe for success - in court, or here.
SOPHIST: Yes, this is news of the “absurd and generally pointless.” But you need to take it more seriously. Like last week, you failed to include a single quote from the story. Were none sufficiently juicy, or do you simply not know how to weave them into a post? Even more astoundingly, you didn’t provide a single link beside the story itself. Talk about missed opportunities.
F&D: Like Ann, I appreciate the outside research but think the execution was flawed. If your theme is “crazy lady does another crazy thing,” lead with more craziness. Also, the LOLcat needs work - how about “I can haz fuel reimbursement?” And the ending was somewhat flat.
Overall a step up, but still a long haul before we get to ATL standards. In the end though, we judges know that our opinions are only guidance; it is the readers of this site that will make the final choice for EIC. And with that, we turn it over to you, and your unadulterated wisdom.
DAHLIA LITHWICK
Slate
MARIN. “[C]hallenged their manhunt expertise to the very core” is just one short hop from bodice-ripper writing. Ann is spot-on that the brand-of-water joke sort of just limped into position and died. You can do so. much. better! No quotes? No links? I think the execution joke was weirdly executed, so to speak, and it’s too bad because your set up was so nice.
ALEX. I really liked your headline. But I think both “oh no” and “um” were funny jokes in the early 80’s. You have to reach for the joke more than the sly irony. Like Tom, I couldn’t figure out whether you didn’t know marshals guard courthouses or were being arch. I assumed the latter but it made your piece kind of weird. Oh, and if you mention breasts again I will unload a case of whupass upon you the likes of which you have never experienced. Even if your assignment is about breasts I don’t want to hear it.
SOPHIST. I laughed out loud at “furiously licking his balls.” So I’m seven. Sue me. I thought yout needed to build the info about Greenberg’s 86 mile drive into your lede and then write it straight to set up the joke later. I agree with Ann that after that the piece writes itself after that but I found your timing in relating that info just a little off.
F&D. A great effort! But you went and did all that research on the protagonist (and that photo!!) and then failed to really cash in on the most hilarious details. Why? Why? The patchy rash joke kinda sailed over my head. Which is too bad because otherwise I thought your timing was right on
You guys are getting stronger for the most part no question. But you need to really craft those jokes the same way you’d craft an argument and that means spend some time building them. Thanks for the nice work.
When “Above the Law Idol” really starts to feel like “American Idol.” [Althouse]
Earlier: Prior ATL Idol coverage (scroll down)
(67) Comments
Comments
First-YES IT FEELS SO GOOD!
First! (I was the only one to figure out how to edit the URL correctly?)
i enjoy alex's breast references. lat, we need new judges.
2 - I beat you (#1)
BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS BREASTS
First to note the punctuation trainwreck that ends Dahlia's first paragraph.
Would have rather read a critique of this last round of posts, where Sophist improved and Marin phoned it in.
Althouse is awful. She looks like the nerd who rides around with the redhead and Jason Silverman in Dazed and Confused.
Dahlia = no breasts, just balls
Ann: "lame" is offensive to disabled people.
Tom: "shamateurish" is excellent.
lets see: a writer who thinks a reliable source is wikipedia is giving advice on writing. Thanks, Canuck.
Updated Official ATL Idol Judges Ranking
1.) Goldstein
2.) Lithwick
3.) The homeless guy I saw peeing on an office building
4.) Althouse
1) Again, two uptight female judges for this readership? Breast references are not bad.
2) TG is shmever
Tom Goldstein: Marin is *shamateurish*.
Need I say more?
(Great links in the Goldstein post, BTW.)
I agree with 13 re: the links in the Goldstein post. E.g.:
"Local Idiot To Post Comment On Internet"
"After clicking the 'submit' button, I will immediately refresh the page so that I can view my own comment. I will then notice that my comment has not appeared because the server has not yet processed my request, become angry and confused, and re-post the same comment with unintentional variations on the original wording and misspellings, creating two slightly different yet equally moronic comments," he said. "It is my hope that this will illustrate both my childlike level of impatience and my inability to replicate a simple string of letters and symbols 30 seconds after having composed it."
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/local_idiot_to_post_comment_on?utm_source=EMTF_Onion
If we bring back Exley, she will do way better this time.
I thought the "Everybody Loves Raymond" reference was hilarious. Wasn't that part of the point, that it's out-of-date pop culture, and that's what makes it funny that they're discussing it around the water cooler? It's like people who still talk about "Friends."
I agree with No. 16. I think the judges just didn't get it.
Dear 12: What is this neologism you use in your post?
I want Goldstein included in the next unofficial poll.
16 and 17 are so right, that mundane imagery is what makes jokes about office life so hilarious. Think Office Space...
It's time to abandon the Idol conceit and just bring back Exley. We want Exley! Remember that this is for the long haul, and Exley is the best. EXLEY!!
Although I'm not in total agreement with Goldstein's comments, he's the only "judge" that I can't stand. At least he has a job that is in keeping with the theme of this blog . . .BIGLAW. Who cares about what these other two horse-faced jackasses have to say. Althouse should stick with what she knows best . . .escaping real legal work by hiding in the academic world. Lithwick? I don't really care at all to comment on her. She's just kind of there.
#16, even if that was Alex's point (debatable), your humor threshold is really so pathetically low that you find that reference "hilarious"? This round of judges' posts had more humor and insight than the full past two weeks' worth of posts from these loser contestants.
Althouse communicates like she has sand in her vag.
Althouse says "I think 'um' is a tired device," but then proceeds to use "Ugh" as a device--predictably in a reactionary rant complaining of phanton sexism.
I sincerely hope she is flame. I can't imagine why any law school, even a TTT like Wisconsin, would employ this moron.
Althouse says the lady who drove 90 miles to take a cat to the vet and then sued over bad traffic "isn't crazy." Why am I not surprised?
Nonetheless, #25, she's right that "um" is a tired device. (Also, "ugh" isn't a device -- at least not in the same sense. It's an expression of sentiment; not an amateurish attempt at creating comic timing.)
Goldstein has put up by far the most professional and entertaining content of this entire contest. He gets points for reading -- and, to some degree, pwning -- both contestants and commenters.
Gloria is milquetoast. Excellent call on the balls>breasts conundrum, #8.
Althouse's critiques continue to be ridiculous.
23 = Althouse
I vote for Tom Goldstein as the best judge. "shamateurish" is a great dig at Marin, and I thought "trolliteriat" was an even better dig at us.
I doubt that Goldstein wants the ATL- EIC job himself though - he seems fairly happy with his Biglaw Supreme Court practice.
I'm generally not in favor of censorship, but is there any way we can ban Althouse from the internets?
Althouse is an angry, angry woman. Even when she makes a positive remark, she drags it down with negativity right after.
These judges are completely out of touch with what ATL readers want. Dalhia - we like hearing about breasts. Goldstein - "mocking the judges is not a recipe for success"? I guess you haven't seen the Judge of the Day posts retard. Ann - we like hearing about breasts (except yours).
29 = Alex
Marin. Must. Go. Today.
wow, i too thought the raymond thing was funny, and read it the way 16 did.
i also thought his race, breast size, etc. bit was a JOKE based on the judge's going after them for like matters last week.
am i giving too much credit?
are you trying to be smart and funny by bringing your own old joke reference by saying "whupass"? "um" and "oh no" are (still) much funnier that whupass.
Oh yeah, BREASTS
Tom Goldstein is the only ATL-Idol judge who is truly engaged in this contest. (Which is more than one can say about ALT’s readership.)
He not only provided some valid criticism, he managed to cleverly illustrate his points with his own writing.
I have the distinct feeling that Ann Althouse agreed to get involved as a favor to David Lat, and really has no truck with the aspect of this site grounded in irreverent humor, scatological references, and male and female body parts. She has lived simply too long as an adult.
Throw out this batch.
32 = correct
37:
"as an adult."
??
I don't think the problem of her silly perspective comes from having been an adult for too long.
Thus, I suggest replacement with "as a sophomore sociology major at the community college that best fits one's dearest pejorative references."
Eponymous is typically used to refer to the person whose name is used for another item, not for the named item.
The Althouse comment should be written with the word "eponymous" four words to the left. Once you have associated the blog with her, I guess you can also change the word "her" to "the."
Ann Althouse, Robert W. & Irma M. Arthur-Bascom Professor at the University of Wisconsin Law School, and the eponymous author of the blog, Althouse;
One of my co-workers gave me a day calendar explaining common errors in English usage and this was one of them.
Please stop making fun of the judges. Mocking the judges is not a recipe for success - in court, or here.
Marin = pwned by Akin Gump.
Poop > Althouse
Tom: don't you have more important things to worry about right now? I'm sure that you do.
Prof. Man Althouse: I can't believe that you did not notice all of the racism lurking in all of the entries. I'm disappointed at your lack of sensitivity to this.
Lat, in all seriousness, could there be an extra choice in the poll allowing us to vote to bring Exley back? I refuse to vote for any of the four - they were all terrible this round.
The comments on Althouse are ruthless, and I love it! Effing hilarious.
Now I gotta go back to disciplining attorneys.
I hate hearing about breasts, and I hate the male-centric tendencies of this blog. MARIN. And if Marin makes some of you stop trolling ATL, all the better.
49 - its been said and ill say it again: atl is made for da boyz.
ugh where is sen, bring back sen
I love hearing about titties! Althouse is likely frigid. Lithwick, stop trying to act tough (and "open a can of whoop ass" is the most overused of all 80's era cliches).
49: AMEN.
Tom - just checking in again to make sure that you are focusing on the right things.
52 - gay
I like Ann Althouse's blog a lot. Her opinion deserves weight.
Open Letter to Ann Althouse:
Do you really *really* not see the irony in your blog? Your own writing style is the epitome of clunk. Your sentences are slow and garbled. Your observations are rarely novel or interesting.
Of course, this doesn't mean that you can't critique the work of others. You surely can. But be aware, your writing is not the impeccable specimen that your condescending critiques seem to assume.
I think this is the concensus.
I agree about Althouse. Her writing is verbose. Her style is jilted. She needs to wield the comma and the semi-colon a little better.
And then there are her critiques! Instead of meaningful criticism, she just nitpicks. While reading her posts you can faintly hear the forest in the background screaming, "What about me? It's not just about the trees, you know!" Nit after nit, Althouse's critiques seem more like "well, I would have done it this way"-type comments than meaningful advice or criticism. In her own words, "ugh."*
Althouse: C-
*25,
Good call on "Ugh." She even uses it in her most recent post about Edwards. "Cliche" much?
Suuuuuuuuck IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIItttt Laaaaaaaaaaaattt!!!
I think I've seen Dahlia Lithwick somewhere before...
http://www.cakefarts.com
Oh, yeah...BOOBIES!!!
I think I've seen Dahlia Lithwick somewhere before...
http://www.cakefarts.com
Oh, yeah, by the way...BOOBIES!!!
Some of us reading this blog aren't 12 year old boys, and so random references to breasts don't really entertain us. But I guess if you've only had limited contacts with breasts, any sort of reference gets you closer.
61 = cakefarter
61 = Lesbos resident
61 = embittered rug muncher
61 = ex left her for someone younger, more attractive, and with a personality
61 = feminazi
All three judges are exquisitely noncommittal, as if that's what they're being paid for.
A uniformly PC vacuum of opinion is supposed to help us... how? If you're not going to direct a verdict, just smile and keep quiet while waiting for the jury.