ATL Idol: Week 2, Head-to-Head Round (Part 1)
Welcome to the first half of this week’s “head-to-head” round in ATL Idol, the reality-TV-style talent search for Above the Law’s new editor. The second half of the head-to-head round will published later this afternoon.
To refresh your recollection, here’s how this round will work:
The head-to-head round is designed to serve as a test of pure writing ability. We’ll publish the contestants’ different takes on two similar stories. Two ATL Idols were randomly assigned one story, and two were randomly assigned another.
The head-to-head round is designed to show how the bloggers write up the same or similar stories, to eliminate any advantage from story selection. Story selection is an important skill for bloggers, but it’s one that the contestants have demonstrated in their features and freestyle posts.
Just like last week, this round will be reviewed by ATL’s panel of celebrity judges: Ann Althouse, Tom Goldstein, and Dahlia Lithwick.
Check out the first half of the head-to-head round, in which MARIN and ALEX write about the same story, after the jump.
Here are the takes of MARIN and ALEX on the same story, marked with each contestant’s avatar (at the top of each submission). We gave them this link:
Making Federal Case of Stolen Water Cooler [Chicago Sun-Times]
And a length limit of 300 words. Here’s what they came up with (presentation order determined by coin flip):
U.S. MARSHALS AND THE MYSTERIOUS WATER COOLER CAPER
By MARIN
In today’s crimeless society, U.S. Marshals spend their days practicing their Wii gunslinging skills and re-watching The Fugitive. But a recent crime has snatched the Marshals from their slumber and challenged their manhunt expertise to the very core.
Last week, a water cooler and two refill jugs were stolen from the 15th floor of a Chicago federal courthouse. Parched and panicked 15th floor workers immediately notified the Marshal Service of the theft. The heist was nearly flawless - the federal court location remote and unwatched, the thieves themselves untraceable except for the fact that they worked in the building. Only by watching routine surveillance footage did the Marshals identify the looters as contract workers and pinpoint the exact location of the abducted cooler on the 29th floor. No word yet on the brand of water.
The three bandits were charged with stealing or purloining government property, a misdemeanor, and will likely be executed.
THIEVES CAUGHT WET HANDED
By ALEX
Federal courthouse employees, who were undoubtedly gathering to discuss reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, were shocked to discover that the water cooler on the 15th floor of their Chicago building was missing last week. Oh no. The employees quickly notified the, um, U.S. Marshal Service, launching a building-wide search that culminated in three arrests.
“Three men doing contract work in the downtown federal courthouse were charged with theft late last week after they allegedly helped themselves to a water cooler and two large refill jugs, taking them from the 15th floor to their work area on the 29th.”
The U.S. Marshal Service used fancy surveillance footage to identify the culprits, Russell Kozbiel, Greg Ingersoll, and his brother, Jeffrey. The criminal masterminds had used a freight elevator to transport the stolen water cooler, and one of them had attempted (unsuccessfully) to block a security camera during the heist.
Authorities have not yet released the race, national origin, religion, or breast size of the individuals involved. Apparently, the story is newsworthy regardless.
(93) 
Comments
First- YES IT FEEL SO GOOD!
The article is stupid, and the posts make it clear that neither Marin nor Alex has much experience in federal court. The US Marshals Service has, as one of its principal functions, responsibility over court security. It shouldn't exactly be newsworthy that they would be notified over the theft of property from a courthouse!
Both of these are a FAIL
The actual article is more amusing than these two pitiful attempts.
Actually Marin's post brought the LULZ.
Good work Marin.
Boring!! Where is the funny?
these are horrible. a high schooler could do better.
as soon as Lat leaves, I'm leaving this site too.
i've neglected perezhilton.com for too long
Come on, Lat, at least give them something to work with...
#5's post shows that the Marinheads are out early today
Terrible story, terrible execution...
Yawn.
Its postings like this, that encourage me to do actual work at my firm. Gosh...
I sort of liked the first one, but it ends badly -- "will likley be executed"? Not really funny. Sounds like something a 3rd grader would say. You should have said some punishment that was watercooler related. I did like the way you started: "In today's crimeless society . . ." But I'm not sure if it is possible to be "snatched" from a "slumber"? And what does it mean to be challenged to your "very core"? (And why your "very core" and not just your core?)
Alex's writing is too wordy. His first paragraph could have been half as long. The sytax in that paragraph is horrible. The employees gathered around a water cooler only to discovery that it went missing the previous week? Huh? I think you mean that last week the employees gathered around a water cooler. And you use too many adverbs. Quickly, for example, should have received the ax.
The story was stupid, but Alex's rendition of it made it even stupider and less funny. At least Marin's made me smirk.
"Apparently, the story is newsworthy regardless."
summed it up pretty well
"Wet-handed" - really lame. Does Alex know how to be funny? I like Marin's take - it's sarcastic and not too wordy.
These postings have failed to snatch me from my slumber.
The angle is all wrong. The interesting bit of the story is not "OMG the Marshals got involved!" it's "why are they arresting construction workers for moving water to their work site as opposed to, you know, asking them to move it back."
If we have to choose the less horrible of two horrible postings, I would have to say Marin. But I'm holding out hope that something in round 2 will actually make me laugh.
First, Number 2, these people are GIVEN the subject article, so while you may not care for the topic, that is completely irrelevant to your evaluation of the candidate.
Second, Marin. "[A] Chicago federal courthouse ..." I don't mean to be picky here, but there's only one Chicago federal courthouse.
Alex, as usual, your work is concise and well executed.
Yeahhh Alex! You are consistently the winner
18 should be the new editor. Marin and Alex are both FAILures.
In other news of equal import, a copy of the Express was left resting on the sink area of the south-wing men's bathroom on the second floor of the United States Tax Court.
The owner has not yet been located.
I do love the drive-by on everybody loves raymond, but that's the only thing Alex has going.
Marin FTW
I do love the drive-by on everybody loves raymond, but that's the only thing Alex has going.
Marin FTW
I do love the drive-by on everybody loves raymond, but that's the only thing Alex has going.
Marin FTW
"Thieves Caught Passing Water; Caught Wet-Handed"
"Thieves Caught Passing Water; Caught Wet-Handed"
These suck! Bring back Exley! Don't make us live with the terrible error of voting out Exley. More Exley!!!
I give it to Marin, but only because I liked the parched an panicked bit. Seriously though, WTF? Theft for moving a water cooler from one floor of the building to another? I don't remember my criminal law class too well, but doesn't theft require intent to deprive an owner of his or her property? I'm guessing the feds are the owner... moving it from one floor to another doesn't quite qualify then, does it?
marin for the win
24-26 might want to get that tic in his mouse-clicking finger checked out.
18 - exactly my thought and thats why i doubted the story's validity.
27/28 - very good
Marin's punch line is just awful.
Alex does a better job but no Pulitzer for him either.
The #5 comment is typical Marinhead hyperbole. (Sorry ##5 +19, but false praise cannot save yet another bad post from the Aruba vacationing schamazer.)
Substantively, how does moving federal property from one floor to another in the same federal courthouse constitute “theft.” (I.e., where is the requisite intent—“… with the intention of permanently depriving the owner of it”?)
The owner of the water cooler is the federal courthouse, and not the employees on the floor where the cooler was previously located. The water cooler never left the building.
18 hits the nail on the head...
MARIN HANDS DOWN!
Sorry Alex--I thought the "race, national origin, religion, or breast size of the individuals involved" link was funny, but apparently no one else did.
Marin was unbelievably awful
Alex was less awful
Exley wins by a landslide.
Both sucked. No result on this one.
I dunno. "wethanded" made me laugh. But only because I was thinking of something else.
Lat, you gave them such a terrible story...are you trying to sandbag the candidates?
Lamest....post....ever.
Bonk on, losers.
Lamest....post....ever.
Bonk on, losers.
I think this one was a trick question.
Anyone who did not throw up their hands in disgust and refuse to report on such an idiotic story should be disqualified.
I like Marin's writing and humor, although "likely be executed"???......a questionable ending.
yes, seems like a "Lat vanity" story...he necessarily looks good by forcing them to discuss this "news".
Agree with #38.
These are awful. I kept waiting for the respective punchlines, but they never came.
A better version would have used the term "usufructuary" or "riparian".
Lat and ATL are TTT and this crap proves it. Lat licks balls. (not perjorative here, just a fact apparently)
I'd bet serious cash that ATL will fold before CWT. Any takers?
If you want proof, look at WSJ law blog with its new editor; readership sank like a stone.
poop on a blog
Agree with #2, #18, and #38
Uh, why "breast size"? The construction workers were all men. Alex, you appear to have an annoying and distracting obsession.
Also, "Oh no" would have been MUCH funnier written "oh noes."
13 - perhaps a decent water-boarding?
Proofread, please.
It's the US Marshals Service. Sigh.
Marin wins this round because she was typo free. I no longer have the energy to mock the avatars; Billie Jean now seems like a friend of the family. As for content, I didn't care enough about either to comprehend what I read.
Here's the truth behind the story, I imagine. Jury was thirsty. Article 3 took care of her jurors. Don't hate on the Marshals.
Long time ATL fan, first time commenter. And this is how I pop my cherry? Fuck.
20 you are a moron. I think the article is bad and I can't imagine that Lat would actually post on this himself. I also think that Alex and Marin, although given a crappy article, didn't do anything to help themselves by playing up a stupid angle. Of course the Marshals are going to be involved, they're the ones who monitor the surveillance cameras at federal courthouses. As someone else said, better to take the tack that it seems like overreaction to charge these people.
Ugh, both are SO BAD. Seriously? This is for the EIC of ATL?
Bring back Exley.
Exley > Marin > Alex
Exely>Alex>F&D>Billy Merck>My cleaning lady>Marin
#18 for ATL EIC. This guy/gal gets it!
Horrible, horrible stuff all around.
56, you're a lawyer (I assume) - read the rules of the competition. They were given the topic. If you don't like it, why don't you call your boy Lat yourself and complain. Don't take it out on the competitors and definitely don't call me a moron. Love, 20.
Terrible topic. These never had a chance to be funny. That said, Alex equals less suck.
I'm sure Althouse will mention, this, but you guys did a terrible job at making me want to read this story. Yeah, its not groundbreaking news but mocking the facts just makes it seem dull. And dull is bad blogging. And I don't read bad blogging.
I vote for Alex. But for the last line of Marin's - I admit, I laughed - Alex's delivered the ho-hum news in a self-reflexive ho-hum manor suitable for such a boring post. Neither were great, though.
Y'all like Exley, now, because "it" wrote about something "it" cared about. Itself. Of course that's gonna be a better read. Duh. Hey Latamatic, how about you let these jokers write about something they care about? Maybe let them barf on what it feels like to be excoriated in these comments .... Now that's a good read. Guest commenters blow.
Bad topic, but Alex's is much better.
Lame.
66 is either Marin or a Marinhead. Go away and quit wrecking ATL.
Boring topic but Marin's last line makes her the clear winner.
Dear 36:
I am skeptical enough that any ATL fan would think Marin's post today beat the other 3--but "HANDS DOWN!"?
You Marinheads who have been imported to skew the voting are not hard to spot.
What is the OBSESSION with these alleged "Marinheads"?!!! It's more annoying than any of the posts! Have you considered the possibility that some people night just prefer Alex's style and other people night prefer Marin's without being personally acquainted with the competitors?
YAWN. I read part 2 and didn't comment there because both F&D and Sophist were pretty ok, but I do feel the need to comment here to say that both Marin and Alex sucked at this.
72 = marinhead.
74 = paranoid obsessive freak.
Really, Alex? Did you really quote from a short news blurb in your 300-word post? For shame.
Marin. Full stop.
Alex wins.
Both were terrible, but Marin wins for not being quite as bad as Alex. Neither are meeting the readers expectations of an EIC.
Agree that Marin wins...did everyone see the Dasani bottle that Tommy Lee Jones is holding? Nice touch!!
You've got to stay on your toes to keep up with Marin
Actually, Marin's punchline was hilarious. It was unexpected and that's why is was funny. Alex was just ... lame. Marin wins this hands down or should I say "wet-handed"? Nah, that's just dumb.
Marin by a mile.
Sorry, 69, but I'm not Marin, or one her Marinheads, as you call them. Actually, I thought all 4 fell below ATL standards, today. A sad day for us all, I'm afraid.
But don't worry, buddy, there IS hope for you.
Your pal, 66
Dear 72:
"Prefer" is one thing, but to say that Marin won this round "HANDS DOWN!" (caps and punctuation original) is, well, suspicious. Moreover, some of the posts refer to "you ATL readers" or otherwise indicate that the posters--who are all pro Marin--do not consider themselves readers of this site.
Finally, Marin linked her personal Narnia blog in her ATL bio, in which she appealed for votes in this contest. Judge Goldstein referenced this and said that the round should have resulted in a “mistrial”.
Bell: Halverson blamed falling asleep “on one occasion” on a “change in medication.”
Bell: Halverson blamed falling asleep “on one occasion” on a “change in medication.”
Marin. Didn't try to make too much out of a stupid topic and got the surprising zing at the end. Good work.
Wow. Alex. Your article blows.
Wow Marin is [Post edited to avoid a court order outing the guest handle]
One had to mention "breast size" to get a laugh. No wonder he's looking for a new job...
This is my new handle until this contest ends. The avatar is an actual photo of Marin from her personal blog that she linked in her ATL bio.
Some of you find Marin "shamazing"--a word frequently used on her website--when she is not posting photos of Clay Aiken, reasons why she was ready to die after forcing an awkward conversation on a famous musician at a diner ["because no other moment in my life has been greater"], or talking about “Daddykins".
Read her linked blog and make up you own mind:
http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/
Who knows, Marin has been the top vote getter so far. Maybe this is the "new direction" the majority of ATL readers want. (I am hoping not.)
Nevertheless, until the final selection is made or Marin goes, consider me the Anti-Marinhead.
--AnyoneButMarin
This is Marin’s personal blog post in which she openly solicited the readers of her site to come here and vote her into the open editor slot, thus unleashing what has come to be known as “Marinheads” on this blog.
http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2008/07/very-glorious-and-miraculous_28.html
I would assume the other competitors have also asked their friends to vote for them.
Everybody Loves Raymond jokes? What year is it? At least The Fugitive was relevant.