Which Legal Fiction Makes Your Life Worse?
[Ed. note: This post is by SOPHIST, one of the finalists in ATL Idol, the "reality blogging" competition that will determine ATL's next editor. It is marked with Sophist's avatar (at right).]
Why does my television constantly tell me that being an attorney is: glamorous, "fun," and yet so easy that any idiot can do it? I caught a preview for TNT's new lawyer show, Raising the Bar, and, after my seizure, I realized that dramatic license has gone too far.
So, with a nod to the Coolest Law Firm bracket, I bring you the "Lionel Hutz Invitational." Which of the following characters has done the most to mislead our friends and family about the true nature of our profession? Let's keep it to characters created after 1990, so the kids can play along.Today, I'll start with the quarterfinals, I'll update the progress on Thursday, and on Friday we'll vote on the finalists. But I sense how much ATL readers love to write in candidates, so please comment on the fictional donkeys that didn't make my cut (I cannot watch Eli Stone or Shark). Perhaps I will run my own "shadow poll" based on the most popular write-in choices.
See the field after the jump.
1. Jack McCoy (Law and Order) v. 8. Bobby Donnell (The Practice)
It's the fascist versus the bleeding heart. Jack perpetuates the myth that murderers will take the witness stand, and then promptly crumble because they've been prepped by buffoons. Most egregiously, Jack violates a cardinal rule of trial litigation by constantly asking questions to which he does not already know the answer. His crosses aren't scripted, but his comebacks always are. Meanwhile, Bobby's theory of criminal defense involves boning the prosecutor and blaming someone else for the crime without any evidence. It works because every criminal defendant is, of course, innocent.
4. Michael Clayton (Michael Clayton) v. 5 Vincent Gambini (My Cousin Vinny)
A 17th year associate? Not a junior partner, not "of counsel," but an 17th year associate? I get the concept of a very senior associate, but if you have a 17th year associate at your firm, isn't (s)he locked in the basement with a red stapler on their desk? At least Clayton's lexicon isn't limited to "Yo" and "fuggedabouit." Here's a tip, don't go to law school because you are good at "winning arguments against your friends." That skill set doesn't actually translate to legal reasoning. Instead, consider a career in talk-radio.
3. Elle Woods (Legally Blonde) v. 6. Ally McBeal (Ally McBeal)
I find it impossible to write about Elle Woods without blood cascading from my eyes. Suffice it to say, "accessorizing" does not help you to get into law school (well, maybe Monica Goodling's law school). It is difficult to imagine how Fox got away with marketing Ally McBeal as a feminist icon. I know many female attorneys, and most of them ingest nutrients and wear skirts that go all the way down past their butt cheeks.
2. Jack Brigance (A Time to Kill) v. 7. Kobayashi (The Usual Suspects)
Brigance could really be the stand in for every soft-hearted, southern Grisham character that takes on interplanetary conspiracies with a shoestring budget and a "lil' elbow grease." I particularly like how Grisham's attorneys can always knock off 200 man-hours of doc. review in one evening, so long as they have their tequila and "play some Skynyrd." Kobayashi speaks to the megalomaniac inside all lawyers that wants to use the law to get a massive criminal enterprise off the ground (maybe that's just me). Perhaps I could have cared about work every morning if my client was Keyser Soze, but unfortunately nobody ever gave me the "cocaine, castration, murdering the eyewitness," Madlib. Maybe if I had made partner.
(179) Comments
Clare Huxtable made me think it was possible to have a robust family life and be a partner in a big time law firm in NYC... all lies.
first?
Kinda long, but, eh I'm enjoying it
Wow. After hating all of the rest of the posts....this one is actually good. It is legally related, funny, and god forbid clever.
Note: I might just be favoring this post because I just read the atrocity that was Marist.
I like the Michael Clayton/My Cousin Vinny matchup, because, seriously 17th year associate? Seriously?
Kind of long, but definitely more interesting that OCI.
Gasp, I like this! This is clever. Or, maybe it is just that i'm reading this directly after Marist's post.
Your post made a poor first impression on me ("my god, ANOTHER poll-the-audience???"), but your pairings and descriptions won me over. I started out rooting for Alex, but you may have won me over.
Kobayashi is kind of "meta" -- he was arguably fictional within the fictional.
Really good job, Sophist.
How about Denny Crane or Alan Shore from Boston Legal? Or just any lawyer from that show.
Denny Crean, Denny Crean
What about Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men? I mean haven't you had a witness confess on the stand?
Ally McBeal was the LA Law of the 90s in tricking kids into thinking being a lawyer is cool and glamorous sooo
This is like reading SEN's material... only without that faint sense of charm.
How about Miranda from Sex and the City? There's no way she had time for that much dating and that many cosmos while making partner. And let's not even talk about the single-mom-as-partner thing...
Kobayashi, if I remember correctly, is a fiction within a fiction. And did Ally McBeal ever argue anything in court? What happened to Douglas Wombaugh and Judge Bone (Picket Fences), both of whom are excellent examples of the bar and the bench gone awry, respectively. And how about Rankin Fitch, protector of the voir dire?
Who cares about Elle Woods? Lame movies, lame character, at least come up with a few that are slightly more realistic, even if that realism is quite far-fetched.
Two thumbs and eight phalanges DOWN!
Damn 1990 limitation! Matt Murdock...successful lawyer, blind and a superhero.
16-- ooh Miranda is a good choice, that was so ridiculous
Clayton wasn't an associate - he was "Of Counsel"
Ally McBeal often argued in court -- but frequently won for having nice teeth...
What about Matlock? Did he ever lose?
What about Harvey Birdman, attorney at law?
Perry Mason is 391-1-1 as criminal defense attorney, but he's pre 1990.
Isn't it also odd that Grisham characters always seem to find a way to work with their shirts off? Or maybe that's just Matthew McConaughey...
23 -- Did you get that thing I sent ya
18-- You're forgetting that Ben Affleck brought Daredevil back to life post-1990. I think he counts.
If getting drunk is a job, Matthew definitely does it with his shirt off.
This is quite good, actually. I voted for Sophist last week and it looks like I'll be doing so again.
Matlock "lost" at least once. He found out that his client was actually guilty and tricked her into confessing on the stand. Brilliant!
Matlock "lost" at least once. He found out that his client was actually guilty and tricked her into confessing on the stand. Brilliant!
Where's Marshall from How I Met Your Mother?
or Ted from Scrubs?
or Nina Brodrick from Scrubs?
or George Costanza from Pretty Woman? (someone should be there to represent Transactional attorneys)
Ed Stevens - lawyer, bowling alley owner, all-around fun guy
Does what Shatner does even count as being a lawyer? Or, you know, playing one.
3,
"Kinda long, but, eh I'm enjoying it"
...... THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID
- Michael Scott
32-- At least Marshall hated his job... that's pretty realistic.
No Alex Cabot?
Really good post. interactive too! Ally McBeal looks like an Olson twin to me. Sort of boney and scary. But I'm a guy-- maybe the girls think she was attractive in the show??
I think Eugene should take Bobby Donnell's spot. His defense technique always seemed to involve stopping the elevator and throwing someone against a wall. Maybe he and Kobayashi should meet up.
32-- At least Marshall hated his job... that's pretty realistic.
This is a pretty good post, and the best one from the finalists today. Its interesting, funny, law-related, and generally entertaining.
One sign that this post is good is the fact that many of the comments are actually about the subject of the post, rather than criticisms of the post and its author.
Bob Loblaw???
BTW this post is ... yawn ... kind of dull.
Nothing annoyed me more in preparing for law school than watching legally blond and then having people tell me that the lsat can't be that hard, after all, Elle Woods did well?
It seems like they all are using some kind of gimmick today. At least this gimmick is entertaining, unlike the first two.
I was uncertain how to vote on Vincent Gambini. His level of incompetence was not unrealistic if you look at solo practitioners in state court.
Hey, Marshall knows you have to make a sacrifice to live in Dowisetrepla.
43-- the scented resume is what always got me.
This is a double negative poll. Vote for the people that mislead the public about lawyers...with rankings...does that mean that the 1 seed is the worst in your mind or the best at misleading the public...see my head hurts already.
Vinny is the classic EveryLawyer. Witty, quick on his feet. He's a perfect litigator and something every litigator should aspire to be.
What's shakin' y'all...
Cannot forgive the Mcbeal/Usual Suspects ref when you've ignored Devil's Advocate, Boston Legal and Few Good Men. Clitigator.
Or the pre-90s LA Law Lawyers, Arnie Becker! and i can't remember the rest of them. but yeah, any show that depicted lawyers (especially associates) have any sort of family/friend life outside the office, while still having actual interesting and relevant cases for clients that actually respect and thank them.
Here's another vote for Bob Loblaw.
Truly legendary.
two words: MAT LOCK
Without him this poll is useless
What about Pacino in The Devil's Advocate? I mean I know BigLaw partners seem like the devil, but they aren't.... Right??
I think Bob Loblaw vs. Barry Zuckerkorn definitely needs to be added to the competition.
Barry is more unrealistic, but Bob caters to a younger demographic...you know, on the jury.
I love how Marin's family members come and subtly diss the other contestants' posts. See, e.g., 42.
Sorry, not buying. This post is 100x better than Marin's.
"But I sense how much ATL readers love to write in candidates, so please comment on the fictional donkeys that didn't make my cut (I cannot watch Eli Stone or Shark). Perhaps I will run my own 'shadow poll' based on the most popular write-in choices."
SNARK!!!
Ally McBeal is far, far more fictional than Elle Woods. Sure, Elle's admittance was kind of moronic, but the classroom scenes, classmate backstabbing, and sexism aren't too far away from reality.
Ally McBeal would make a person think that all plaintiffs lawyers make lots of money representing stupid people with frivolous claims. And that unisex bathroom? Come on.
Dow up 300 points today!!! What recession, suckas!!!
A+ for use of the phrase "after my seizure."
Zuckerkorn's got to beat out Loblaw. Loblaw's got the better name, but Zuckerkorn was truly legendary. Ehhh!
Very good work. Clearly the best today.
Clayton was not as 17th year associate. He had a unique job (1) that was created specifically for him, and (2) was only loosely related to the practice of law. How many times is this site going to get these (very simple) facts wrong?
But then again, according to this post, Bobby Donnell (and presumably the fans of The Practice) believe that all his clients are innocent. Really? Have you ever watched the show? It is quite clear that Donnell represents people he knows to be guilty, notwithstanding his knowledge of their guilt.
No contest.
"No matter. Kill away, Mr. McManus."
(Although this whole "contest within a contest" thing is really lame, and I'm with those who think that ATL dies when Lat heads out.)
As the Comic Book Shop Guy, I mean 63, says...get your facts right. His name was Jake Brigance, not Jack Brigance.
This post sucks. I couldn't even get through the rest of it. Boring. Time to go Sophist. Alex wins!
18, don't forget that Matt Murdoch also prosecutes criminals who work for the Kingpin pro bono.
I would vote Bob Loblaw or Barry Zuckerkorn for a lot of things, but not most unrealistic.
How about Will Hunting defending himself citing "Free Property Rights of Horse and Carriage" then throwing in a random spoken "Ibid."?
How is #1 seed McCoy losing? I mean, I guess there is some logic to the "government always wins" aspect, but he is a Perry Mason-style caricature of trial lawyering
to 32/3:42 (writing in Jason Alexander's character from Pretty Woman) -- I am not so sure that his portrayal was that off. Have you ever dealt with any of the pit bulls representing Icahn, Trump, etc.?
66: oh yeah, right. "Hey, OCI is weird, LOL! What do you guise think!?" is waaaaay better than this.
idiot.
We need a special category for sassy, obnoxious non lawyers run amok.
Judge Judy versus Erin Brochovich
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer? I have yet to encounter any attorneys who were just simple cavemen, fell into some ice and were thawed out by our scientists.
This post sucks. I couldn't even get through the rest of it. Boring. Time to go Sophist. Alex wins!
How about Will Hunting defending himself citing "Free Property Rights of Horse and Carriage" then throwing in a random spoken "Ibid."?
70-- i guess that's why he is a 1 seed...
This is good. MORE SOPHIST NOW!!!
Write in: Miranda Hobbes!!!
Brigance and Kobayashi is a frightfully balanced match-up.
Looking at the bracket, I think it's coming down to the lady in pink versus our cousin Vinny.
Anyone notice how guys in high school didn't rank fake lawyers all the time? It must be a big deal.
Who are these people?
Kobayashi sounds familiar.
What about Mitchell Mcdeere in The Firm? What first year associate begins working on complex tax matters and traveling with senior partners to meet clients in the Cayman Islands, all while still studying for the bar? Plus, the firm set up a lease for a BMW/Mercedes (depending on whether you refer to the book or the movie) and paid off his student loans for him, not to mention the $80,000 starting salary in Memphis in 1993.
I think Matlock was a wonderful representation of how a talented lawyer conducts himself on the front line, between good and evil.
not a bad post.
Memphis = TTT
The front line between a nap and a bourbon
Speaking of the line between good and evil, Al Pacino as John Milton in the Devil's Advocate...I mean he was a senior partner who was literally Satan.
Oh, UN-realistic
I can tell this is gonna be a good series, what with the visuals ("without blood cascading from my eyes" - nice) and the shout out to the Dow Jones (300 points!).
I can tell this is gonna be a good series, what with the visuals ("without blood cascading from my eyes" - nice) and the shout out to the Dow Jones (300 points!).
I can tell this is gonna be a good series, what with the visuals ("without blood cascading from my eyes" - nice) and the shout out to the Dow Jones (300 points!).
Perry Mason and Judge Halverson would eat Matlock and Mitch McDeere for lunch.
Yeah, there's an argument that Milton should just win hands down. Of course, one presumes the makers weren't trying to be realistic or else our reputation is even worse than it seems.
I was going to nominate 'Danny Snyder' from Sleepers, then it hit me:
A once successful, wealthy, and charismatic defense attorney turns into a burned-out alcoholic drug addict who can no longer competently try a case and becomes a pawn of an organized-crime figure to participate in a rigged trial.
Never has a more accurate reflection of an attorney's progress through the law been shown to the general public. This movie should be played as part of orientation for all 1L's...
Might I suggest two more post 1990 TV lawyer matchups:
Geraldo Rivera v.. Jerry Springer
Star Jones v. Nancy Grace
Wow, this was... funny. How did that happen? Sophist pulls into a surprise lead.
Does Springer actually have a law degree? I know he was mayor, but I didn't think he was a lawyer.
Springer got a JD from Northwestern
Negative points for having no Boston Legal candidates, as 11 pointed out earlier.
I know he was pre-1990 (at least when he started,) but Dan Fielding's omission makes me sad. Rare is the lawyer that can get a hooker off and then precede to have the hooker get him off within the hour.
err procede
SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!! SOPHIST RULES!!!
umm proceed
third times a charm
I think it's fair to invoke My Cousin Vinny in response to all of this:
"Everything this guy just said is bullshit".
Makes a great opening statement.
SOPHIST RULES!
I think this post sucks.
I don't care what you do to me. Go ahead, twist my nipples. Go on! Twist them. I still won't tell you what I know.
101: ooh, Night Court! Your point is well taken.
So it looks like we're goint to have McCoy upset by Donnell. Barring some serious "get out the vote" drive.
101, I love Dan Fielding like there is no tomorrow, but is he really that much of a misleading character? Don't all attorneys regularly solicit strippers and hookers?
My boss makes me dress in drag and do the "hoola". Oh wait, I do that on my free time.
Zuckerkorn and Loblaw are good suggestions, but I was always partial to Wayne Jarvis.
"I shall duck behind that couch."
True. Usually they manage to make it past the court's coat closet, though. And, not too many have a homeless guy as a volunteer lackey.
Zuckerkorn and Loblaw are good suggestions, but I was always partial to Wayne Jarvis.
"I shall duck behind that couch."
I think Vincent Giambini is AWESOME.
Go ahead. I dare you to twist them again. Twist them harder! I still won't tell you a thing. Do your worst. I am impervious to your torture methods.
I went to law school so I could be like Tom Hagen.
I went to law school so I could play poker like Mike McDermott
Marin makes Sophist look like a HLS grad--wait a minute....
and a loud roar is heard amongst the crowd...
Sophist! Sophist! Sophist!
Sophist is balling.
Halverson made universal hand signal for masterbation during a trial.
And she called her admin asst a leprechaun .
Screemed at me to do things that I had no control over.
Happened in active court session.
The absurd part about McCoy is that he takes the actions that he did as Executive ADA, and then he actually becomes the DA.
Adam Schiff, FTW!
1. Sad to say, if you go to state court enough, you meet Vincent Gambini.
2. Jack Brigance is every left-wing NYers/LAers wet dream: a southern, handsome, morally perfect liberal intent on executing justice against Republicans, er, rednecks of the south. See To Kill a Mockingbird for more information about this paragon of Hollywood virtue. Also, cheating on your wife=ok if she's Sandra Bullock.
I know we want the kids to be able to play, but LA Law really took the cake for misleading us.
I voted for Marin last week, but Sohpist just won my vote for round 2. Good work.
Next time add: Clare Huxtable v. Miranda
Hobbes. I'd vote for Clare.
You mean because somehow all the work got done on L.A. Law despite all the most junior lawyer were in court all the time? It was a firm without dreg work. I think they outsourced it to CBS.
Clare Huxtable wins for hottest TV (classic sitcom) mom ever. She beats out Mary Tyler Moore (Dick Van Dyke Show years) and (barely) Samantha from Bewitched.
Miranda is what happens when you take an ugly, bitter character and then try to turn her straight. She's a man, baby!
Of all the ATL Idol posts, this one is the best so far. I actually read through the whole thing which is a first for these posts. However, in the end, I still don't care enough to add a write-in vote or even vote between the silly match-up that you've presented.
I guess that means this writer is the best of the worst.
125: Ah, hollywood.
I must say, that movie was awful.
You are so $, you should change your name to $ophi$t.
With Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer v. Lionel Hutz, we can have a Phil Hartman v. Phil Hartman matchup.
Judge Chamberlain Haller of My Cousing Vinny fame fits the same mold, 125. He's a Yalie.
yeah, let's just do a poll of hottest classic sitcom moms and dads ever. That would be way cooler.
My votes:
Meathead's wife on All in the Family.
Mrs. Huxtable.
Suzanne Somers from Step by Step (ok, not a classic)
Mrs. Keaton from Family Ties
Marge Simpson.
Oh, and recent classic; Debra Barone from Everyone Loves Raymond--admit it, she's fine! You wish you could have a wife at 45 that looks like that!
Umm, Samantha was pretty hot. And, she knew magic. If you want things to disappear...