The Curious Case Of Randy: Part 3
[Ed Note: This is the third and final installment in the Curious Case of Randy, a rather eccentric law firm partner. You can read Part 1 over here and Part 2 over here.]
Weeks pass, and Randy continues to be randy. Stopping by my office no less than three times a day. Gawking at the summer associates as they get their lunches downstairs. I kind of just check out.
I decide to ignore him, figuring that eventually he'll go away. I do, however, find myself staring at his chest each time he comes in and interrupts me. I'm looking for milk. Or the emergence of breasts. But I don't recall seeing anything. I think the pills must have gotten that problem under control -- but not the other thing. He's so antsy and manic -- sometimes I thought he might start touching himself in my office. Anyway, here it comes, and I'm not lying.
Several weeks later, as February approached -- the month that I have always contended is the cruelest month (not April, as T.S. Eliot alleges) -- Valentine's season begins. I tend to ignore all this heart/love crap because I think it's stupid. I was never one to send out Valentine's Day cards, even in elementary school. I rejected it. I mean, I can barely say I love you to my parents or my boyfriend; I'm certainly not going to say it to some random person. And I doubt my meatball (non-lawyer, a big plus) boyfriend will do anything anyway.
So I walk into my office at 9:00 a.m., maybe 9:30 actually, on February 14th. There is a large, blood orange, inter-office envelope on top of my desk. I figure it's my expense report or the report of my billable hours, which I haven't met for two months. As I open it, however, a pink something falls out. I turn it over. It is a homemade Valentine, constructed out of pale pink construction paper, topped with an old-school white doily, and on it, there is a poem written by a dark purple crayon. My first thought is, how cute; it must be from my partner's daughter, Rose.
Find out what the poem is about, after the jump.
As I read the poem, I realize the making of a child, this is not. The poem is about me. It describes my hair, my eyes, even my figure. He did make a nice compliment about my mind, too. Signed, Randy.
Is he that freaking stupid? I mean, who would do this? Surely he must know the good old Title VII, and we did all have to watch that lame sexual harassment video.
I must say, however, that it was quite creative, and clearly took a lot of work. He was also a pretty good writer; everything rhymed, almost a perfect haiku. And it really was a much better gift than the boring dozen red roses my boyfriend sent to the office later that day. (And I wasn't even in love with him; he should have sent yellow. As If I want red.)
Phone rings. It's an intra-firm call. I panic.
"This is Hope."
"Well?" It's Randy.
"Well, what?"
"Did you get it?" We both know what "it" is.
"Ah, yeah, I did."
"Well.... What do you think?"
"Um, well, it's very creative. You're a good writer." What in the hell am I supposed to say? You are a creepy perverted weirdo, and now I'm going to nail you and go to the management committee?
"Thanks. I'm glad you like it."
I didn't say I "liked" it. I rush downstairs to show Jessica, the only person I can trust.
"Oh my god. Is he insane? Unbelievable. I knew he wanted in your knickers, but ..."
"Kyle" -- she puts her phone on speaker -- "you got to come in here. You are never going to believe what Randy did this time." She calls in Kyle, a very hip junior partner.
He takes the Valentine out of my hand. "What the hell? Did he really write this?"
"Yes! He called me to see if I got it."
"You got to take this to Bertolucci. You'll get a settlement, Hope. Or be made partner -- today! You have a sexual harassment case on your hands. Smoking gun."
"Oh please. I'm not going to Joe Pesci. He's a creep too. Anyway, they're like best friends, and Randy has so many clients."
"Go. Go to Bertolucci. He is a jerk, but he'll have to do something about this."
But I don't go to Pesci. I do take the Valentine home and put it under my bed -- just in case I have to whip it out one day to save my job or something.
Years later, after I leave the firm and move far away because of a boyfriend who broke my heart, came to my firm, and kind of ruined my life, I find out that Randy, in fact, engaged in similar behavior with a very attractive, thirtysomething blonde.
But the thirties bring wisdom. Unlike me, she went to Pesce. Got a big settlement to shut up. They kept Randy (shocker), but he did have to go to mandatory counseling every week. And get off the pills.
But Randys, even really randy Randys, always get to stay. It's all about the rain. And I knew that from the get go.
In retrospect, I wish I had gotten some money out of it. Plus, I must admit, I kind of liked all the attention. I mean, it was clearly sexual harassment -- but at least I knew I was still attractive, admired in the workplace. I guess my former colleague's counsel proved true: I went somewhere that people really liked me.
(97) Comments
too long; didn't read
suck it
Second to say I like to eat pizza!
Apparently there's only "several weeks" between the summer and February.
WTF Hope?
Please make this stop!
THIS SITE IS AWFUL.
THIS SITE IS AWFUL.
I decided to read this installment because I hate myself. I now hate myself more. I hope winter's 15.
This is so fucking retarded.
What the hell is wrong with you Elie? Why do you continue to allow this crap?
THIS SITE IS AWFUL.
I usually don't like to shit on the ATL writers, but in this case I'm willing to make an exception. Shut up!
At least BFW at Bitter Lawyer actually gets laid.
STOP POSTING THIS SHIT
suck it!
poopin' in a hat
THIS SITE IS AWFUL.
"But the thirties bring wisdom."
You prolly meant self-respect.
Is that yellow thing a GULC?
I had some pretty good Sbarro pizza last night...normally that shit ain't my thang, but I was so damn hungry and I was like, should I wait 'til I get home or should I indulge? I scarfed it down, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made.
I honestly don't know where to begin. This is hands down the worst compilation of words ever committed to any medium, in any language. I say this having read also most of the other Hope Winters crap.
Rhyming and something being a perfect haiku are two completely separate things.
If I may summarize:
Henry Jones Sr.: The quest for the Grail is not archaeology. It's a race against evil. If it is captured by the Nazis, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the earth. Do you understand me?
Henry Jones Jr.: This is an obsession Dad. I never understood it. Never. Neither did Mom.
Henry Jones Sr.: Oh yes, she did. Only too well. She understood that it's not about right and wrong, or good and evil, but about whether you can rake in a lot of cash because an old man on hormone pills is socially awkward.
Henry Jones Jr.: Sallah! I said NO Hope Winters articles! That's THREE Hope Winters articles! Can't you count?
Sallah: ...and I thought she smelled bad on the outside?
Guys in my high school used to lactate and send cheesy poems on handmade valentines all the time. It was no big deal. Until this new girl came to town, who thought it was a big deal. Until she wrote it up in a blog and realized that NO ONE FUCKING GIVES A DAMN.
"I decide to ignore him, figuring that eventually he'll go away" - That is how we feel about you Hope. Please cease all comments now. Thank you for your cooperation.
1. Lat
2. Kash/Marin
4. Bernold
5. Lin
6. Mystal
7. Frat Stud
8. Feces smeared on a wall in what may be an attempt to communicate.
9. Tom Clancy
10. Hope Winters (may God have mercy on her soul)
"He was also a pretty good writer; everything rhymed, almost a perfect haiku."
Haiku doesn't rhyme "Hope."
25 ftw.
Find out why I read this site, after the jump.
*******
Because I'm an idiot. Such an idiot. Seriously. I'm not talking about anyone who'll read this comment; I'm directing this comment at no one but me. I am a huge, huge moron for wasting so much time reading this site, hoping for something mildly useful or entertaining (or, God forbid, both). And I'm even taking the time to comment on how bad it is!
I must really hate myself.
lulz @ 25.
I can't believe I have read three installments of the lamest non-story ever.
Best phrase in the whole thing? "final installment"
May this be the last installment EVER of this annoying she-devil gasbag.
YOU SUCK WINTERS...stop ruining this site with your diarrhea...
I hope you get diarrhea and lose the ability to type this awful garbage.
Removed ATL from bookmarks.
I actually enjoyed the story. Until this final installment.
Lame ending.
NONE OF THIS EVER HAPPENED.
INSTALLMENT ONE:
This one time, I was an attractive female lawyer and male partners wanted to have sex with me, and
INSTALLMENT TWO:
One of them asked me to have sex with him, and I was like omg I have to tell my attractive female lawyer friend all about this, and she was like
INSTALLMENT THREE
I bet everyone wants to have sex with you because you are so attractive!
I actually enjoyed the story. Until this final installment.
Lame ending.
Horrible.
DO NOT POST ON HOPE WINTERS ARTICLES. SIMPLY IGNORE AND HOPEFULLY THEY WILL GO AWAY!!!!!
"Plus, I must admit, I kind of liked all the attention. I mean, it was clearly sexual harassment -- but at least I knew I was still attractive, admired in the workplace."
WTF???? Thank you for sending all us women back in the workplace by saying that we enjoy sexual harassment because it makes us feel pretty and the only reason we dislike it is to get a fat settlement check. You are a moron and obviously a terrible lawyer. Go away.
I took off work today to focus on the economy.
The pointy yellow man makes me uncontrollably violent. I am actually beating my secretary as I write this.
This story is moronic. And who says knickers like that, not once, but twice. Even if you imagine an English accent or something cute, the writing is just so bad. Awulf.
When I first started coming on to my secretary, I was worried that she would not find my advances appealing. However, I was able to get past her ripping up my letters, calling her supervisor to complain about my grabby hands, etc. and continued my dogged pursuit. Now, after I've finished berating her work while rubbing her shoulders (with my hands) and lower back (with my ****), I am perfectly content to listen to her sob silently at her desk. I almost felt bad about my behaviour, but now I know that it gives her confidence and the understanding that she can still attract a powerful man such as me. Thanks Hope!
41: Dude! Smoking gun! Your secretary is going to get a big fat settlement out of you.
There once was a rapping tomato,
That's right, a rapping tomato.
It rapped every day,
From April to May,
Hope Winters is a waste of biological material.
The more my secretary cries, the more I hit her and think about pointy yellow man. Vicious circle. I can't stop. My hand is going numb.
Hey, Charlie Murphy ...........SLAP
LOL
I was really hoping the story would end with Hope enjoying a few sweet drops of man milk from Randy's lactating man boobs.
I'VE READ THIS BEFORE. BEFORE THIS ON ANOTHER BLOG WHICH IS NOW PRIVATE. BEFORE THAT IN MY CAPACITY AS A JUDGE FOR A MIDDLE SCHOOL WRITING CONTEST.
As if.
I totally agree with Post #50.
huh?
I totally agree with Post #50.
huh?
I mean, I totally agree with Post #71
Fiction.
This is worse than reading mil-sf like David Drake's Hammer's Slammers. I mean, really, Alois Hammer?
No, Hope Winters makes me want to take a very dull spork and go through my eyeballs and gouge out the part of my brain that actually remembers this.
The only thing that could have saved this article was if Hope posted the text of the poem. Hope, what the f?
This post actually achieved what it was supposed to...hilarious comments from the readers.
Don't stop! This is like Jerry Springer for lawyers. More comments, please!
I was wrong, it's definitely "inept whores". What do I win?
That said, 25 = FCU reject hoping to get laid by a blogger chick. Hope would be #3 on his list if she were real.
22 is pretty awesome. Keep it up.
Elie,
Why don't you catch on and STOP posting things from "Hope." I almost never comment on this site, but even I feel the need to say SHUT UP!
1) co-sign 21. and if the poem were "almost a perfect haiku," it would have been short enough to post. i call bs.
2) this is not sexual harassment.
TTTroll, what's an FCU? I've been rejected from the Federal Credit Union?
Oh, and I've been getting laid by nobody but my wife for a while now, so the blogger chicks, fictional and otherwise, are all yours, stud.
- 25
for the love of god. please. stop.
"everything rhymed, almost a perfect haiku"
HAIKU DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
Also, who posts a story where the punch line (to the extent that such a term can be applied here) is a crazy poem and DOESN'T post the text of the poem??
Hey, Editor in Chief, could you PLEASE post here and explain why you are posting this shite? Please. Admit you like the page vierws and the comments ripping Hope to shreds, so at least people can see they are feeding this piece of shit.
Also, please explain why, YET AGAIN, you are allowing someone to republish tripe that they published on their own blog? Do you have no standards. I mean, crap writing is crap writing, but at least if it is fresh its fresh dog shit. You are feeding us dog shit that you found down the road that has been there at least a month. And that shit is covered in bugs and smells foul.
What kind of firm is this where the summer associates eat "down stairs"? Have they not learned to hussle associates and partners? I think I paid for maybe 5 lunches out of 10 weeks, and that was pretty bad compared to many of the other SAs.
Add in the messed up time line (August is just a few weeks before February?) and the lack of poem, and it's pretty clear that this story just didn't occur.
At least when Tucker Max makes up stories, he writes something funny.
Ok, let's get to the bottom of this. Anyone stating that sexual harassment is a good thing because it makes them feel attractive is clearly a man, not a woman. Anyone who states that perfect haikus rhyme clearly has no grasp on the english language. Who do we know who is a man with no grasp on the english language, who can continue posting shit time after time with no regard for the commenters that beg him to stop?
It's obvious; Hope Winters is Elie. He is trying to pull the A3G = Lat media sensation, only it won't work because everyone hates both him and his female alter ego.
Tucker Max ---> new EIC?
62,
FCU is an elite law school. This level of ignorance is unsurprising from one who failed to either rank FRAT STUD #1 on his list or capitalize the name appropriately. And, banging your wife exclusively is very 4T. If you had gone to FCU you could send her down to the beach estate in Naples and pick up a summer wife.
Don't bother 65, ATL never comments. You must be confused with Dealbreaker, the site that has actual news (including law stories) and Bess and EP actually take accountability.
Why am I even on this site?
I love her reference to the Wasteland. There is no greater tell to how terrible a writer she is. Referencing a poem amidst drivel does not elevate your writing, kiddo. It came across like a dull thud.
This is a great post........
for me to POOP on!!!!!!
Oh, Snap 72.
Wow, just wow.
First, dumb story.
Second, that kind of attitude is why people hate lawyers. How does giving you a valentine count as sexual harassment? He didn't touch you. He didn't ask you to get it on with him in the file closet. Is it really an offense to ask someone out on a date now days? Ugh. It's people like you that make it difficult to believe people who really did get sexually harassed or even assaulted. As a feminist, I am offended by this story.
Kill me now. Please.
Kill me now. Please.
Hope. Step into my office. You're fucking fired. What is this bullshit. Does anyone actually fucking care. No. Please, go take a bath with your toaster while its still plugged in. You are so fucking fired.
YOU SUCK MAN TITS. Sick bastard.
This story sucked. The build up was great, but the end was lame. FAIL!
Why does Jessica always say "knickers"? That's obnoxious.
I'm no employment lawyer, but I fail to see how you thought you had the greatest case in the world. You didn't work for him, you continued to allow him to visit you, you didn't feel pressure to do anything with him, you didn't do anything with him, and your employment never suffered. I know it's never fun to have to refuse an undesirable's advances, but all you had was a creepy conversation and a Valentine.
Kyle is an idiot; you wouldn't have been made partner, and I doubt the settlement would have been all of that lucrative. Not enough to retire on!
I've got WAY better partner stories than this...
aaaaaaaaand... I'm out. Thanks for the fun ATL, but you've lost another regular reader. This shit is awful.
I've been ROFL for the past 5 minutes.
What was supposed to be interesting about this story?
If the interesting component was supposed to be lurid, sexually-charged material, then I humbly submit that man boobs, haiku, and valentines = EPIC FAIL.
If the interesting component was supposed to be the sheer insanity of Biglaw denizens, then I humbly submit that picking on a biologically unlucky, medication-addled loser = EPIC FAIL.
obviously hope is a high school creative writing student who was sexually harassed by Elie and as part of the settlement, she got to write this column.
I'm not usually a hater, I've even let Elie off the hook so far, but this is, by far, the absolute worst piece of shit I have ever read, and I read autoadmit.
I'm not usually a hater, I've even let Elie off the hook so far, but this is, by far, the absolute worst piece of shit I have ever read, and I read autoadmit.
lulz @ 83!
Obviously Hope is a high school creative writing student who sexually harassed Elie and as part of her plea deal was required to write this. Elie is just letting the rest of us help her work through her "issues."
25, Elie's way too high on that list.
Obviously Hope is a high school creative writing student who sexually harassed Elie and as part of her plea deal was required to write this. Elie is just letting the rest of us help her work through her "issues."
1) Valentines are not sexual harrassment
2) you are a backstabbing asshole.
3) if having a nebbish with lactating man-boobs hit on you makes you feel attractive, you are not atttractive.
4) Your stories are the worst. Here is the pattern in all of them: A buildup, the promise of salacious details, boring ending that is not even remotely interesting or enlightening. You must be a horrible bore at parties.
5) Haiku do not rhyme.
6) Your law firm was a piece of shit if your summers "get their lunches downstairs"
By "get their lunches downstairs" Hope obviously means the summer associates tossed Randy's salad on the regular.
Also, this shit is awful. Give me some dank to smoke and I'll conjure up a better story than this garbage (though mine would be purely fictional). It would build up to the point where Randy gives Hope a valentine, and by valentine I mean venereal disease.
Oh, and blood orange is a fruit, not a color. Are you literate?
I think the picture is Hope.
I made a great christmas mix cd last November and have no idea what i did with it. I hate this.
CUNT
Lame ending. Part 2 was kind of lame also.
I have said it before and will say it again, Hope is not female; no real professional woman working in biglaw thinks that it is flattering and nice that a senior partner sexually harassed them, unless she is a complete idiot (which is unlikely if she made it to biglaw). There is no career future for women who give in or don't give in to that stuff, either way you're screwed, and you don't find it amusing. How would sexual harassment have possibly made her feel "admired in the workplace"?!?!!? And if she is female than she should feel very ashamed of herself because she has set all us hard-working female associates back to being secretaries in poodle skirts.
Elie, that ending alone should make you get rid of her and her banal, pathetic, descriptively awful (blood orange envelope?!??), teen-age level writing. This is beyond her usual crap, it is offensive to your female audience.