The Curious Case Of Randy (Part 2)
[Ed Note: Yesterday we learned that Hope’s partner pal, Randy, was taking testosterone pills to treat his “lactating man-boobs.” Today we learn about the downside of hormonal supplements.]
“Testosterone pills? Like, how many do you have to take?”
“Well, right now three. One with every meal.”
I wanted to end this conversation and finish the bloody filing so I could go out and get wasted.
“Well, I hope it helps and you feel better soon!” I gathered my papers and stared at my laptop.
“Well, my chest isn’t hurting as much, but there’s this other problem.”
Good Lord.
“What?”
“Well…” Randy leaned forward and whispered, “I can’t stop thinking about sex. I’m like obsessed with it. I can’t do my work. It’s all I think about — I feel like I’ve turned into a teenage boy again.”
Okay, this is weird. Really weird. And, weird is what I sought to escape. I found myself longing for the hairy armpits, unbuckled trousers, and pool parties back at Pants Down.
“I mean… I can’t even go to lunch in public without staring at every girl that walks by.”
This proved to be true. I later witnessed this at a lunch with some summer associates. Each time a remotely attractive girl walked by, his neck moved more rapidly than the ducks I fed stale bread to at our lake house. Clearly he was hungry — and not shy.
“Well, I really think you need to talk to your doctor about this. Maybe they can lower the medication.”
“Well, he has lowered it. Still. All I think about its sex! Even my wife is sick of me — I want it like three times a day.” My mind flashed back to the photo of the blond trophy wife on his desk. Please. She probably doesn’t even want to do it with him three times a year.
“I’m really sorry about your problem. But, I do have to get this filing done in an hour.”
I get him out of my office — and fast. I mean, what does he want me to do here? Service him? Well, he can try the self-service island. I wanted to tell him to go whack off and leave me alone.
Hope tries to finish the task at hand, after the jump.
I finish the filing, but I really can’t concentrate anymore. I have to tell someone. I can only trust Jessica. I call her at home.
“You are never going to believe this, Jess. What Randy did….”
“Oh, God. I knew it. What did he do now? He totally wants in your knickers. Hold on.”
“Hey Jack, come here. We have a Randy story. Hope, I’m putting you on speaker so Jack can hear.” Her husband Jack joined the call.
I began to tell her every detail of the story. I couldn’t trust anyone with this.
“This is outrageous!” her husband exclaimed. “You have a lawsuit on your hands, Hope. You should go to Bertolucci with this.” (Bertolucci was the midget Mafia-esque managing partner, as well as a squash buddy of Randy’s.).
“I can’t. No one will believe me. Plus, I don’t want to get him fired or anything.”
“You should. Go get yourself a big fat settlement, Hope.”
Years later, I will ask myself exactly why I did not do that. But I was only 26 — young and naïve and aiming to please.
The story doesn’t end here. As I was turning 27, a tad bit older and wiser, Randy pulled another stunt. This time — a smoking gun.
STAY TUNED…
(84) Comments
Comments
FIRST!!!
first?
First and who gives a fuck! The economy is collapsing!
lame
first to say sucks
Listen Hope that's fascinating...listen why don't we go in the back and shag?
I only care about the smoking gun if it's pointed at Hope Winters' head.
wtf is this?
Odds are, most people reading this are lawyers at firms. So if we want to read about awkward social interactions we can just leave our offices. Or, if we want to be bored to death, we can just get back to work . . .
Hope, the good news is that you are not really any worse of a writer than Candace Bushnell and her ilk. The bad news is that Bushnell and her ilk are utter garbage.
LAYOFFS
HIRING
REAL NEWS THAT COULD HELP US
PLEASE
You might think that Pt. III will be so fucking bananas that it will make it all worth it. But it won't.
So I took a butcher's up the apple and pears and said, "What is this, the tea interval?"
Does anyone else pronounce the name of the Iranian leader "Ahmydad'saninja"?
Is there a point to HW stories?
1. OMG, everybody totally hooked up at our retreat. I didn't tho cuz I respect myself tee-hee.
2. OMG, my friend is totally hot and loves to play with this partner's emotions, tee-hee.
3. OMG, this the head of litigation is a lactating horn-dog who wants me, teehee.
You are LAME!
chick lit soft porn. But the "self service island" bit was moderately amusing.
Couldn't find my pillow this morning....kinda weird.
So anyways, I had this amazingly realistic dream about eating a huge marshmallow last night.
Teen woship?
Throne wipes?
Herpes in tow?
Newest ho rip?
Peen rot wish?
WHICH IS IT???? I'VE GOT TO KNOW
"I have to tell someone. I can only trust Jessica. I call her at home."
GOLD, JERRY! GOLD!!!
9: Completely agree...except that you seem to imply it's a possibility we might get back to work. Fool.
10: I went to Candace Bushnell's reading/Q&A for her new book (One Fifth Avenue) a couple days ago. She was awful. I haven't read any of her work, but I'm praying she's just terrible at reading. It was painful. And, she can't field a question to save her life. Someone asked her if 1 5th Ave is owned by NYU and she went on about how she fantasizes that the basement of her building used to have a kitchen that would send food up to apartment on a dumbwaiter. ...Her building is neither the one in the book, nor has it ever been owned by NYU. Worst part was she didn't understand what management meant when they said there was only time for one more question. Just awful.
Still better than this crap though.
Lat, for all that's holy, MAKE IT STOP!!!
STOP COMMENTING
only way to make this stop.
22 -- thanks. you're an idiot.
While I did not understand why ATL decided to post these short stories, I am at a complete loss for why, after the unwavering and uniform stream of insults aimed at their authors, ATL continues to post them. I wonder if ATL thinks that it is expanding its audience, or believes it doesn't have enough interesting factual postings to hold everyone's interest. Regardless of what the reasoning is, there seems to be a good amount of evidence that it is wrong. Unless the site's traffic has increased considerably since it started these postings, I suggest ATL reevaluate its decision.
Ultimately it boils down to this: No one cares about an unnamed attorney taking testosterone pills to counteract lactation, only to find himself thrust back into his 14 year old psyche. Not interesting. Please stop.
This blog is eating itself alive. It's fascinating to watch. What is the theme of this blog? Is there any coherence to the posts? If I were describing this blog to someone who hadn't read it before, what on earth would I say? It's absolute scatter-shot garbage. Is it a literary blog (OMG)? A humor blog? A big firm blog? A law school blog? A funny lawsuit blog? A political blog with a legal angle? A corporate law blog? Please EDIT this blog.
AWESOME
I'm embarassed. I've gotta admit that I now look forward to the HW posts. Not because the posts are particularly interesting (they aren't) or well written (they definitely aren't), but because I enjoy the comments. Unfortunately, y'all are letting me down with this story. There must be funnier horny, lactating man who is head of litigation at a TTT firm jokes than we've seen. With Elie at the helm, HW comments are pretty much the only entertaining item on ATL anymore (though, there are some funny Elie-bashing comments as well).
too terrible, didnt read
The smoking gun is either: A) Randy nailing a fatty on his desk or B) Randy masturbating at work. Big surprise.
Sorry to ruin it for the fan.
But really, this entry didn't even try to advance the plot. It was just "Hey, you know that stuff in the first part? I told it to some other people." Or for the nerds out there who like a good Star Wars metaphor:
Luke: "Echo 1 to Echo 2, Han ol' buddy, do you read me?"
Han: "Loud and clear, kid."
Luke: "Remember how we blew up the Death Star?"
Han: "That was cool. But you should sue the Empire for giving you PTSD."
Luke: "Maybe."
Han: "You know what, kid?"
Luke: "What?"
Han: "I thought Hope Winters smelled bad on the outside."
The economy is falling apart. BigLaw is cutting down on summer associate classes. The legal world is fundamentally changing, and this is all you can find to post?
I feel bad for you Hope. I thought you were finally gonna get some action in this story. It's pretty sad when you can't even get the uber-horny milk man to give you some.
Again, Winters begins a story with a mildly interesting opening scene, and the reader asks "What interesting/funny/unbelieveable event could this situation lead to?" The answer, as always, is "Then I left, and told somebody about how something interesting almost happened to me. Stay tuned, folks!"
This is torture.
Ok! ready for part 3! You've got my attention Hope, so don' t leave us hanging :) Love you!
I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU SHUT UP AND DIE
OMG!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY FEMALE ASSOCIATE TO HAVE EVER BEEN HIT ON BY SOME OVER-WORKED PARTNER. PLEASE WRITE MORE STORIES ABOUT THIS.
OMG!!!
YOU ARE THE ONLY FEMALE ASSOCIATE TO HAVE EVER BEEN HIT ON BY SOME OVER-WORKED PARTNER. PLEASE WRITE MORE STORIES ABOUT THIS.
Listen, you Malibu middle class Barbie piece of shit, I'm tryin' to work here. Work? You ever work? Yeah, I'll bet you have. Scoopin' ice cream to your shit-heel friends on summer break. Well I ain't talkin' about no goddamn white socks with Mickey Mouse on one side and Donald Duck on the other. I ain't readin' no funny books, mama. Our bodies come and go but this blood is forever.
Wow. What the problem is?
I certainly hope Ms. Winters doesn't do employment law for a living. The conduct described would not produce a "big fat settlement" absent additional conduct or an incredibly publicity-shy defendant.
So I was reading Hope's post yesterday and thought, "I think Ive read this already" but no one in the comments said anything about it. Then today as I was reading, I realized that I certainly had already read this. Finally, I figured out where-On Hope's own blog which was linked to this cite last time around. It seems that besides telling annoying stories no one cares about, she feels the need to tell them on every blog she can!
29, that post made me cry it was so funny.
- a big fan
Please post link to Hope's blog so we don't have to wait for part 3. I can't stand the anticipation! I almost stopped reading ATL when Marin got voted off, but Hope has given me reason to stick around. And we got a wonderful post from Marin herself today! I love ATL (even if Elie and most of the readers suck)!
Remind me of your influences here. I’m gonna say, Thelonious Monk and the sound a trash compactor makes when you crawl inside it.
Who cares. This place has officially sh*t itself.
Let's give 29 his/her own guest blogging time on ATL. Because Hope's shit truly is awful. This story is like---Monica Lewinsky talking to Linda Tripp. For your reading enjoyment, Hope Winters as Monica Lewinsky:
"Well ..." Bill leaned forward and whispered, "I can't stop thinking about sex.... I'm like obsessed with it. I can't do my work. It's all I think about.... I feel like I have turned into a teenage boy again."
Ok, this is weird. Really weird. And, weird is what I sought to escape. I found myself longing for the hairy armpits, unbuckled trousers, and pool parties at Lewis and Clark.
"I mean... I can't even go to lunch in public without staring at every girl that walks by." This proved to be true. ..
I finish the filing, but I really can't concentrate anymore. I have to tell someone. I can only trust Linda. I call her at home.
"You are never going to believe this, Linda. What Bill did...."
"Oh, God. I knew it. What did he do now? He totally wants in your knickers. Hold on."
"Hey Mic, come here. We have a Bill story. Monica, I'm putting you on speaker so Mic can hear." Her friend Mic joined the call.
I began to tell her every detail of the story. I couldn't trust anyone with this."
Hope, get laid. It's not that scary, really. A penis is kind of like My Little Pony. Or your Hello Kitty vibrator.
Oh, and because this story I "wrote" is funny I'm posting it on my blog. www.anonymouscontractlawyer.blogspot.com
I am convinced that English is not Ms. Winter's first language. Maybe a metaphor like "Each time a remotely attractive girl walked by, his neck moved more rapidly than the ducks I fed stale bread to at our lake house" works in whichever her native language is.
Let's give 29 his/her own guest blogging time on ATL. Because Hope's shit truly is awful. This story is like---Monica Lewinsky talking to Linda Tripp. For your reading enjoyment, Hope Winters as Monica Lewinsky:
"Well ..." Bill leaned forward and whispered, "I can't stop thinking about sex.... I'm like obsessed with it. I can't do my work. It's all I think about.... I feel like I have turned into a teenage boy again."
Ok, this is weird. Really weird. And, weird is what I sought to escape. I found myself longing for the hairy armpits, unbuckled trousers, and pool parties at Lewis and Clark.
"I mean... I can't even go to lunch in public without staring at every girl that walks by." This proved to be true. ..
I finish the filing, but I really can't concentrate anymore. I have to tell someone. I can only trust Linda. I call her at home.
"You are never going to believe this, Linda. What Bill did...."
"Oh, God. I knew it. What did he do now? He totally wants in your knickers. Hold on."
"Hey Mic, come here. We have a Bill story. Monica, I'm putting you on speaker so Mic can hear." Her friend Mic joined the call.
I began to tell her every detail of the story. I couldn't trust anyone with this."
Hope, get laid. It's not that scary, really. A penis is kind of like My Little Pony. Or your Hello Kitty vibrator.
Oh, and because this story I "wrote" is funny I'm posting it on my blog. www.anonymouscontractlawyer.blogspot.com
Sorry about the double post
anonymous contract lawyer
"Even my wife is sick of me - I want it like three times a day."
And then Hope said:
"Please. She probably doesn't even want to do it with him three times a year."
Wow! See what she did there?
"You are so unattractive that your wife is probably not attracted to you." Ooh disssss.
When Hope's boss Randy was taking testosterone pills to treat his "lactating man-boobs," Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened.'
"This proved to be true. I later witnessed this at a lunch with the "summers."
Why is "summers" in quotes?
idiot.
Hope you suck at writing, and your stories are not interesting. Fuck off.
this sucks. real news please.
if you cant write it in one post its not worth frigging reading.
51 - 'Summers' is in quotes because HW is referencing the summer wives, like her flighty and sexy friend Anna, not the summer associates, who are serious and frumpy.
Should I wear a v-neck or crew neck undershirt if I have lactating man boobs?
Question: is that man dressed up as a traffic cone, or the character from Curious George? In either case, what does it have to do with Hope's story? My prediction: part III will involve Randy hiring a helper money to wank him off in the office. Hope will hear about it 14th hand from a friend who has more sex than she does. Then she will gossip about it with someone else.
Why would she go to Bertolucci with that?
"Hey, Mr. Mafai-esque law firm guy. Would you mind helping me squeeze a nice fat settlement check out of your squash buddy for being creepy but otherwise harmless?"
57, the story is titled "The Curious Case..."; hence the Man in the Yellow Hat.
What I don't understand is why in his/her earlier stories he/she refers to both the resort where the firm retreat took place and the firm itself as "Pants Down."
seriously, these stories are pieces of shit. the quality of writing is sub high school college prep. the humor is nonexistent. i do not understand any of this.
just give the guy a handy and stop whining.
Hey, i wanna hear if she doinks to old guy or not!
(eats popcorn)
Id rather do an HR girl than an attorney any day.
WTF is this shit? Why will Lat/Elie not listen to the numerous comments saying that they don't want to read HW's shit on here?
This place is going downhill fast.
"Id rather do an HR girl than an attorney any day."
In other news, dog bites man, sky is blue, sun rose in the East.
WHATEVER THIS IS, IT SUX.
WHATEVER THIS IS, IT SUX.
WHATEVER THIS IS, IT SUX.
WHATEVER THIS IS, IT SUX.
57 and 62 should have their own blog, which would be posted immediately follow Hope's blog. Unless Part III is about how Hope gives in to the guy. Then I'm back on board the Hope train.
1. Anyone still posting comments responding to Hope as if she is a real person = TTT
2. I feel like Hope has gotten worse, but not in a good way. Has her style/substance changed because now Elie is writing her instead of Lat?
Summary of postings on ATL:
1. FIRST
2. Pretzels
3. Guys in my high school...
4. Gratuitious spelling/punctuation corrections.
5. (a) This post sucks. I'm never reading this blog again. (b) Elie sucks. (c) Lat, come back.
6. I love Obama.
7. I hate Obama.
8. GULC sucks.
9. Something or other is "TTT" or "pwned."
10. Look, I'm a partner. I know how this works.
These stories by Ms. Winters really suck. I hope she has a day job.
But while we're on the topic, I would say that an attractive younger female associate who spends a lot of time hanging out in the office of a straight older male associate, shooting the breeze, and putting her fingers all over his globe should not be surprised and astounded that the male associate may (gasp!) want in her panties.
I would advise young female associates to choose their older male friends wisely. If the older male associate (or partner - hey, if you can befriend a partner, props to you!) is attractive, harmless flirtation can liven up the drudgery of office life and be enjoyable. If you pick a nebbish, unattractive freak with lactating man boobs to befriend, you have noone else to blame if he hits on you and you find it repulsive.
The only funny part of this whole thing (HW, not the story, tl;dr) is the gender-neutral weirdo in the yellow suit with the tie and galoshes. wtf?
74, see 57 and 59.
Make the lambs stop screaming.
I almost skiped ATL today but then I remebered that the exciting in way in which Hope didn't put out this time would be revealed. But alas, I have to come back again tomorrow, as this story will unfold in three episodes!
"Hey, i wanna hear if she doinks to old guy or not!
(eats popcorn)"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Not sure why though.
Jesus. This is worse than those Hustler stories our dads used to read.
This story is fake. I can tell. I've faked many a story in my time.
totally fake. testosterone supplements are not taken orally ... check out Androgel (it's a topical cream). You can also get a testosterone shot (very painful) or a patch (very uncomforatble), but that's it.
SHUT THE FUCK UP
Hope. Step into my office. You're fucking fired. What is this bullshit. Does anyone actually fucking care. No. Please, go take a bath with your toaster while its still plugged in. You are so fucking fired.
it's going on 3 years. i earned a 4.0 in grad school and used to win awards for rehabilitation veterans. i now have an extensive police record , filing false report (I had burns from some red gun), my 14 year old son died everytime they sent me to the insane asluym, 5 times, i begged his family to help, i am broke, my parents have aged, my husband insults. i love my kids too much to die. i wish i were crazy and then i could get cured. he keeps filing harassment reports when i beg him to stop and let me live oh God, please, my son has aged, i am writing through tears