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I’m new at my firm (small firm in Midwest, not BigLaw), and apparently people here dress up for Halloween. The head partner has sent a bunch of emails reminding everyone to wear their costumes on Friday, Oct. 31 and the secretaries are going nuts talking about it. What should I go as? Or should I not dress up?

All Dressed Up For Nothing

Dear All Dressed Up For Nothing -

Your firm differs little from Biglaw; every shop I know treats Halloween as a day of unbridled merriment and levity. Deals come to a screeching halt, associates throw documents off their desk and set up jack-o-lanterns and duplicating and graphics department mail people cast their bitter feuding aside to hold hands and dance around the cafeteria bonfire. To keep up with your firm’s apparent enthusiasm for the holiday, so you’ll need a costume that projects an image of the associate (and future partner!) they want you to be: bold, slutty and borderline offensive.

If there are devout Latter Day Saints at your firm, consider going as a Yearning for Zion FLDS member. Wear a stunning number from FLDS Crafts and spend the day carrying around a sister wife blow up doll and eight Cabbage Patch Kids. Commiserate with LDS colleagues about the long commute to work in a covered wagon.

Another sure-fire hit is donning a blonde wig and a slutty nurse costume. When your supervising partner asks what you’re dressed as, reply “Your wife.”

Finally, if you don’t want to spend a ton of money on a costume, wear a suit and turn the pockets out. Smear grease on your face, clutch a crumpled Lateral Link brochure with your fingerless gloved hands. Make a matilda using a golf club and tie a Thelen gym bag to the end. You’re all set to go as a homeless person. Now that’s scary.

Happy Halloween!

Your friend,

Marin

Elie’s advice after the jump.

… That’s if you choose to get dressed up. But you need not slavishly parade around like an exhibitionist desperate for attention on this pagan holiday. Like Barack Obama showed last year, not dressing up on Halloween can be a profound statement about your comfort level in your own skin.

But, bring candy. Everybody who stops by your office should get a special treat. That will show that you are in costume — as an adult.

The guy who stopped watching Nickelodeon a long time ago,

Elie

Great idea, Elie. And as long as we’re completely ignoring the partner’s emails, why not serve up candies that everyone loves, like Mary Janes and Bit-O-Honeys and then go office to office begging for UNICEF? That’ll show them your Halloween spirit.


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