Pls Hndle Thx: The Chronic
[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]
Dear ATL,
As a 3L, coasting through his last year of school, I find the occasional moment to partake in a bit of “relaxation” by way of an unmentioned illegal plant.
I’m wondering though, other than a question about this on the Bar application, would I be subject to any type of drug testing for the bar or at my post-bar big law firm? Do firms ever drug test their employees?
— Panama Red.
Dear Panama Red,
If you show up to work with bags of White Castle or pester secretaries with questions about where your car’s at, firms may demand a drug test (based on boilerplate paperwork you fill out at the outset of your job permitting them to do so), and they can fire you without cause anyway. But as far as I know, no law firms routinely test associates for drugs, and neither does any bar-related process.
However, firms do prohibit associates from moonlighting or engaging in activities that would be detrimental to the business or reputation of the firm. Practically speaking this means you’ll have to get off Phish tour (editor’s note: they’re not reuniting, give up the ship) and turn in that ridiculous shell necklace from Hollister. The hemp one, too. God, this is embarrassing.
Since it would have only taken a Google search for you to have answered your own question, I’ll take your email as a cry for help and give you some actual advice. You need to lay off the weed and focus on passing the bar and keeping your job. Also, I see you didn’t get the memo about how everybody switched over to coke. Um, yeah. AWKWARD.
Your friend,
Marin
After the jump, Marin passes the blunt to Elie, who’s wearing a “Take Me Drunk I’m Home” t-shirt.
That time and, once again, I’m bouncing ‘round the room.Law firms won’t test. They can, but they won’t. Bankers pee in cups, lawyers do not.
(puff)
Now, if you read ATL you might have noticed that this is a terrible time to be a lawyer or a law student. I could be wrong about this, but I’m pretty sure this is why God gave Adam dominion over cannabis.
(puff)
Things are happening that are scary, threatening to your livelihood, and utterly beyond your control. You’re a 3L and you’ve got at least 6 months before anything “happens” (BarBri) again. Tanqueray and Chronic, at this point you’d be stupid not to.
(cough)
In fact, …
What? I have no idea what’s going on.
Don’t forget to bring a towel,
Towelie
D.A.R.E. to keep Elie off drugs.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Send your questions to advice@abovethelaw.com.
(101) Comments
Comments
Mildly amusing.
first
First
-Prestigious Southerner
First
-Prestigious Southerner
these pretzels are making me thirdsty!
Ummm, actually Phish IS reuniting....
http://www.phish.com/tourdates/
D.A.R.E. to keep Elie off donuts
I am soooo stoned!
I concur.
Puff the Indonesia. Hit the skins into amnesia.
Dear ATL Commenters,
Look what you've done. You've gotten him worked up. Now he's puffing and coughing and can barely even breathe properly. At least this time, he's going to towel me off properly to get rid of all the sweat hiding in the deep, dark crevices from which few have returned.
Sincerely,
Elie's Fat Roll
Guess I should sell all 3 of my Phish @ Hampton tickets since they're apparently not reuniting (AND affirmed by the editor? Did you guys research that at all?).
I brought coke into the bar exam with me. They did not give me any trouble though because it was in a clear bag.
Cocaine=quiet snack
I live part-time under a rock and I knew that Phish was reuniting.
I asked myself I was positive. It only took what some would call "a Google search" to answer my own question.
How are there no bonus posts? No rumors? No nothing? This site is totally pathetic. Bonus season could come and go* and no one would know it based on all these boring and marginally-legal (at best) posts.
*If it even comes at all
you're all missing the funniest part of this. read the bar admission question very carefully. at least when i was applying (many years ago now), it read: "are you CURRENTLY using any illegal drugs?" (emphasis added)
anyone whose answer to that question, taken at its most literal, shouldn't be trusted to handle legal matters.
How are there no bonus posts? No rumors? No nothing? This site is totally pathetic. Bonus season could come and go* and no one would know it based on all these boring and marginally-legal (at best) posts.
*If it even comes at all
Wow this blog is gayer than Lat on a two dollar bill.
I like Phish.
I do not like 15.
That is all.
Elie- Don't call me shoeless, you're shoeless!
Lat-That's it, you're fired.
Elie-Yeah!
Lat-Not him, you!
Elie-Awwww. Well, this was a really good idea.
What do Phish fans say when they run out of drugs?
Wow, this music sucks.
-Former Phish Fan
What do sober current Phish fans say to former Phish fans?
Good riddance, more room and tickets for me and my crew.
I drive my car into crowds of Phish fans any chance I get. fucking hippies.
22, I bet you have the coolest "crew"
#14 has racist written all over him.
Can you work for the DOJ or other government agencies if you have used drugs in the recent past?
24 - I do. Because we don't go around judging other people like you do.
I hope 27 gets AIDS from his "crew" ...go drive your Subaru off a bridge, hippie.
26--the answer used to be no, but since 75% of college students who have graduated in the last 15 years have done at least some drugs,* the answer is now yes. DOJ and the FBI wouldn't be able to get good attorneys anymore if they excluded everyone who has smoked pot.
*statistics based on nothing but observations.
26 - You generally need a security clearance to work at DOJ and other executive agencies. The clearance forms ask you very specific questions about your history of drug use within the past ten years. Having some experimentation within that period does not disqualify you. Getting caught lying does. I supposed the more recent the use, the more likely it is to pose a problem.
25, I can't be racist, I voted for Obama.
22/27 - wow, you and your crew are such free spirits. i admire you. -24
How spicy would you like your Chang Sauce?
Mike said no
28 - not all Phish fans are hippies. But we're not as sinister as you are either, so I guess we're somewhere in the middle. You seem to be a really pleasant person to be around. I'd love to meet you some day. - 22/27
So much better than turd brain elie.
*Hits forehead with Airwalk shoe repeatedly*
That's my skull!!! I'm so wasted!!!
35 -- I come from a very wealthy family. Every thanksgiving my family would pay a lot of money to round up a group of sinister phish fans and let them loose in the woods of my family's estate. We would then go out in the afternoon and hunt them. Over dinner we would then trade stories of our kills. I look forward to hunting your "crew" this year.
12-I laughed out loud. I will remain forever amused by the sight of hundreds of bar exam takers in suits and running shoes with their laptops in oversized ziploc bags running for the Roanoke convention center.
Today, in addition to my normal regime of gay stomping at lunch, I will add a new activity, hippie stomping at 3pm in the park. Good wholesome exercise and fresh air are the secrets to my success.
Devin Cheslar
ATL meetup at the mothership? Who's with me?
NY to 1 for 3, 2 for 5
:doses Flavia machines at the NYC v10:
Who's got my Hampton extra?
:malnourishes ATL:
Dave? Dave's not here man.
44 = PT'd
I like to do rails of coke off the glass of the copy machine while it photocopies me doing rails of coke off of the glass. It makes the day go by much faster.
RE: DOJ
They gave a presentation about a week ago. The basic gist was
1) Be honest when they ask (and they will).
2) If you think you want to work for the DOJ and are a user, you should probably stop immediately just for appearance's sake. (Saying the last time you smoked weed was 6 months ago while still a 3L won't really look that good).
3) Hard drugs are bad, mmmkay (and may not disqualify you, but simply cause you to be passed over for someone who hasn't done lines off a stripper's tits.)
46 = nancy kerrigans'd
46 = self'd
Would the Bar Ass'n care if i feden my dog acid?
WSP Sucks
WSP Sucks
so my dealer just got arrested and I'm concerned that my phone number is in his contact list.....
WSP Sucks
WSP Sucks
Marin, stop letting Elie latch onto your posts and ruin them. They're the only entertaining posts on this site anymore.
<3
JAG applications, even for the summer gig, are intense.
Re: JAG
See http://www.jagusaf.hq.af.mil/Brochures/pdf/af2030.pdf
Guys in my high school used to smoke reefer, take the bar exam, and mock Phish fans all the time. It was no big deal.
Widespread Panic suffers from a severe case of lackoftalentitis. One symptom of said disease is the Dave Schools' overwhelming desire to eat small children.
Does anyone have some Chevron Techron for my gas bong?
Guys at my high school used to...well shit, 60 beat me too it. Bravo.
Everyone knows that SkaddenDC has the purest nasal vitamins around.
will taking drugs help me get a 1L sa position?
*sends out email on lawopen asking for meth*
-nervous T-10 1L
email job leads to nervoust101l@yahoo.com
Everyone who drives a Subaru is a gay hippie.
ATL's been PT'D
d'd
the bar app asks if you are 'currently' using illegal drugs. you can safely answer no if at the time you fill out the form you aren't engaging in said activities (probably best to be sober while filling it out anyway)
38- are you still able to round up some of the ruffians? we've been having a dreadful time harvesting them for our annual holiday hunt and have had to switch over to gathering up hipsters in Williamsburg (who don't run nearly as well).
- Perplexed Most Dangerous Game Player
No self-respecting attorney would show up at a biglaw shop with sacks of White Castle--Crave Case all the way, baby!
48- Come on, why stop? What kind of person feels bad about lying to DOJ about how much weed you smoked 3L year? Obviously you have to quit early enough to pass the test, but other than that fuck em.
70 -- There is some good huntin in Williamsburg.
DOJ hiriing requires an FBI Background investigation, which may include a lie detector test. Feel free to try and scam it at your peril.
And for what anyway? Just go get drunk. That's what I've been doing.
I am circulating a memo around my office urging everyone to stomp at least one hippie a day as the health benefits are irrefutable. Plus, hippies need to be stomped.
I am a Citizen
drugs are bad for you :[
As to the subject of the article, note that gov't positions may be more likely to drug test than the private sector. For example, the new D.A. in New Orleans just drug tested his entire staff.
http://www.nola.com/elections/index.ssf/2008/11/new_orleans_new_da_warns_staff.html
Drug tests are racist.
37 - this blog reading post is MY time. If you continue to waste MY time, I'm going to take your pizza.
now back in the van, Spicoli.
Do federal law clerks need to pass a drug test at any point?
78 - they sure are. Just like the SAT's.
I love doing lines off 1L slut's asses.
"where your car's at..."--seriously?
*farts*
Editors Note: They ARE reuniting. See, http://phish.com/tourdates/
Editors Note: They ARE reuniting. See, http://phish.com/tourdates/
Some bar apps ask if you've EVER used illegal drugs, not just if you are currently using. FYI.
Posters 17-42 are all RACIST!
Someone is making a funny funny mistake. Go ahead, do what SCOTUS did and forget the military. Want to go to prison? Be a JAG officer and get caught some of the wackey tobakey! I dare you. They only dest between 1 and 6 times a year. Not to mention when you go in, when you get physicals, when you later do security clearances, and maybe, just maybe, if you are cool and all, they will offer you TS/SCI clearance then you will be kicking yourself in the ass for lying on a damn application. I wish it was legal bit if you are into gov;t work, stay away and do not lie if you want a future.
Someone is making a funny funny mistake. Go ahead, do what SCOTUS did and forget the military. Want to go to prison? Be a JAG officer and get caught some of the wackey tobakey! I dare you. They only dest between 1 and 6 times a year. Not to mention when you go in, when you get physicals, when you later do security clearances, and maybe, just maybe, if you are cool and all, they will offer you TS/SCI clearance then you will be kicking yourself in the ass for lying on a damn application. I wish it was legal bit if you are into gov;t work, stay away and do not lie if you want a future.
I went to a talk about DOJ summer jobs two days ago where the speaker warned us that the unpaid summer internship did require a drug test.
82:
How many asses does your 1L slut have anyway?
Don't know of any law firms that drug test, but certain in-house jobs will (at least pre-employment) - for instance, GE (and all its various subsidiaries).
89/90: I think you need to lay off already.
The only think you're qualified for is to be president...or mayor of New York.
Concur with 93. Corporate counsel positions require drug test pre-employment, but I've never heard of any after starting.
KYS Author of this epic fail'd BLAAAAAUG
KYS=KILL YOUR SELF
Holland and Knight drug tested a friend of mine who clerked for them during a law school summer. I say boycott any firm that violates employee privacy in that way!
To repeat, PHISH IS REUNITING and officially announced this months ago. Not that I give a damn, but I do wonder why this blog gets so much so wrong so easily.
Screw what associates do. What ATL should be asking is what do firms do with partners who have drug issues? It's a real story, better than Michael Clayton.
Hello. I am about to get an internship for the summer and was wondering if I had to worry about any drug tests. I'm assuming no, but just to be on the safe side...
law internship that is...