As we savor the final hours of 2008, it’s time to look back at some of our favorite people this year: the commenters.

In today’s ATL / Lateral Link survey, it’s time for you to pick the 2008 ATL Commenter of the Year.

Your nominees for Commenter of the Year, and select comments explaining why, are as follows:

1. Count Layoffula

One! One Reason!

six. six times he has made me laugh aloud

Turns the frightening inevitability of layoffs into a moment for comedy; not easy to do. Very clever idea, keeps character, funny as hell. Wildly popular on this board. Hands down the Commenter of the Year.

2. Douche Patrol

He’s the only commenter that gives a sense of order to the otherwise chaotic commentary. His commentary is also always dead-on.

3. FRAT STUD

Because guys in my high school used to vote for FRAT STUD all the time. It was no big deal.

4. Fraternity Lothario

Hilarious, dry, terrific writer. Captures both the essence of ridiculous, in-joke ATL commenting while bringing genuine criticism to the issue of every post. As long as you give the award to the guy who burned up the comments all spring, then left (on a sailing trip? to become a pirate?) this summer with a formal farewell, you would be giving the award to a commenter whose work is Oscar-worthy.

Although his posts have been less frequent, no one is more eloquent (e.g. ATL EIC) while comically germane.

5. Glass Cock

avatar is amusing, and attitude rocks

6. Guest

The most insightful and informed comments are consistently made by Guest. Everything else is trash.

Most comments, most firsts, most everything. Guest rocks.

7. Jack Bauer

He’s funny without being offensive or annoying. In the words of the ATL editor “consistently brilliant.” Finally, do you think that it’s a coincidence that when the legal industry is facing it’s darkest hour, Jack is back?

I don’t know any other person who would take the LSATs, apply and go to law school, purely to infiltrate BIGLAW to get information leading to the takedown of a suspected traitor to this nation.

8. Nervous T-10 1L

Personifies the economic doom and fear among law students. Also kinda funny.

he’s the post-modern Loyola 2L of the apocolypse

9. Commenter 83 in the interview horror stories thread.

“Where I remain to this day.” Priceless!

Technically, commenter 83 was actually “Guest,” but it wouldn’t be an official ATL reader poll if we didn’t give Guest an opportunity to comment about the unfairness of the poll. Also, that comment really was . . . something.

Having a hard time deciding? It’s no big deal. We’ve selected some of the choicer comments from our candidates to help you decide.

Unfortunately, we really couldn’t put some of them above the fold. Some are pretty crude, and Glass Cock’s is far too long. [Ed Note: That’s what she said.]

So, keep reading after the jump to see some of the nominees’ exemplary comments, and then cast your vote.

Nominee Fraternity Lothario took your adoration in stride:

… at sea off Carriacou …

Gentlemen at my preparatory academy frequently advanced my nom de plume (as distinguished from my bona fide given and Christian names) for candidacy for one farcical canonization or another in a hopeless attempt to inject hilarity into the gloomiest hours of the plague years. It was not a conspicuous event.

~ Fraternity Lothario

Our most prolific nominee, Guest, was a bit more excited. He had quite a few comments about the other nominees, himself, and the merits of the contest itself … but they didn’t exactly agree with one another:

Guest has been there from day one, with a range of insight. Sometimes witty, sometimes irreverent, sometimes just plain raunchy or dumb, but always guest has been dedicated to posting numerous comments on a wide range of topics.

Commenter of the Year gets to nail a sheep. Keep your eye on the prize, bitches.

Although I am guest, I chose to nominate Nervous instead. Nervous is mad funny, and I miss his posts. Hopefully, him winning, will encourage him to continue posting.

Jack Bauer for the win. I’m afraid what he’ll do to me if I don’t vote for him.

The man just won’t stop until he gets what he wants. He’ll shoot your wife in the kneecap, if he has to, damn it!

I can’t live with that kind of fear.

shoulda been Count Layoffula. I call shenanigans.

I am jealous that everyone but me is getting so much hot sheep action.

evan here, i was hoping i could be the lawyer of the year for my jet setting, blogging, and wining and dining.

How about adding a write-in option?

The Glass Cock in a landslide.

Douche Patrol was more consistent:

4 YOU are a douche!

13 YOU are a douche!

50/57/60 YOU are a douche!

12 YOU are a douche!

12 YOU are a douche!

24 YOU are a douche!

No doubt nominee Jack Bauer was offended by that last comment. While not exactly full of holiday cheer, Jack’s posts showed a deep understanding of his fellow associates’ plight during this season for giving pink slips:

146-

I understand your frustration. When I’m out with a tactical team, we all are wearing the same body armor, have the same weapons, and have pretty much the same training. Some people make it to Day 7 , some don’t…

41-

I appreciate the support, but I’ve got my own legal problems to deal with. Some Senators want to talk to me about events that happened while I was at my old firm (now dissolved). Apparently they aren’t comfortable with my deviation from procedure in achieving superior results. It’s like an associate billing over 3500 hours a year and then having some partner complain that the Seamless bill is a “little” high. If you want me to make dinner, don’t ask me how much I paid for the groceries…

Jack also took time out to help law students prepare for their upcoming exams:

1) Use sub headings to organize your thoughts—structure often conveys logic. The easier it is for the Professor to read and understand your exam, the better your grade will be. Unless you are just clearly wrong.

2) Do not worry about a straight yes or no answer to “discuss”/”analyze” question. Argue both sides of the various issues that present themselves but do it intelligently. Often there will be two or more ways to analyze a particular issue, generally your job is to make the strongest argument for analyzing the issue using case X and then the strongest argument for not analyzing the issue using case X. A solid way to make this argument is with the facts from the fact pattern (see #3).

3) Use the facts from the fact pattern. Most law students know how to recite cases, but not use facts from the actual question presented. For example, most kids in the class will be able to say “Courts have used a totality of the circumstances inquiry to determine XYZ.” Fewer kids will say, “Courts have used a totality of the circumstances inquiry to determine XYZ, in the current situation the plaintiff was fact A, fact B, fact C. These three facts alone may not be dispositive but together may convince a court that…

4) Listen to 99’s advice

5) Kill whomever the Nina Myers in your class is before she steals your outline and shoots your wife in the head

6) Most importantly stick to the time limits, you should answer every question on the exam before going back to work on previous questions. Still time pressure can be a bitch sometimes…

Of course, all the exam prep in the world still won’t help poor nervous T-10 1L as much as Elie’s pot would. Mostly, he just fretted, and tried to suck up to Elie (who still won’t share):

*hopes i get a grade bump from a new michigan policy, why are we still at a 3.19 curve?!?!*

-nervous T-10 1L
email job leads to nervoust101l@yahoo.com

1 interview :)
10 dings :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
168 pending…
1 “wait until january” :/

just received another ding. this one from the west coast. nationwide ding alert! (not the southwest kind)

-nervous T-10 1L
email job leads to nervoust101l@yahoo.com

4 dings :(:(:(:(
175 pending…
1 ‘wait until january’ :/

anyone got any interview tips? i gotta get paid…

elie, you should do a thread on the 1L job search. lat did one last year, you don’t want to be worse than lat do you?

-nervous T-10 1L
email congrats to nervoust101l@yahoo.com

3 interviews :):):)
15 dings :(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(
161 pending…
1 “wait until january” :/

Well, nervous, on the interview tip front, I think Commenter 83 has your back with this boozy cautionary tale:

Alright, check this out:

I had about 38 beers (it was an accident) the night before a callback interview. I showed up extremely hungover and trying to hide the booze smell. Nobody said anything or even acted like anything was amiss, so it was all good.

We went out for callback lunch, and I felt a hangover fart brewing in my guts, the likes of which would probably never again be seen in the Midwest. I have much skill in this area, so I discreetly lifted a buttcheek to let it go, figuring I could blame it on the waitress or another diner if it came down to it (the restaurant was crowded).

Well, I underestimated not only the force behind the fart, but the volume and contents as well. I liquishit in my pants. I panicked, but must have maintained my cool because the associates I was eating with didn’t seem to act any differently, although I knew there was a spreading brown stain on the back of my $400.00 slacks.

I did the only thing I could think of to do, which was to calmaly sit in my own poop and finish the meal as though nothing were wrong. When it came time to walk back to the office, I awkwardly made an excuse for having to catch back up with them there, then made my way out about 10 minutes after they left.

In a strange town and in a panic, reeking like hangover poop, I walked into the nearest clothing store I could find (a fucking Banana Republic) and purchased the nearest facsimile I could find to the shit-filled pants I was wearing. I thanked the cashier who was making disgusted faces, grabbed my bag, and split out of there.

I was somewhat lost due to having to walk to the Banana Republic, and the only way I knew how to get back to the firm was to hop on the train I had taken to get there, so I did. I rushed to the bathroom of the train and removed my soiled pants and underwear, balling them up and tossing them out the window of the bathroom on the train car. I reached in the bag for my new pants and pulled out… a pink cashmere sweater. I must have grabbed the wrong bag in my haste! I got out at the next stop wearing a frilly pink cashmere sweater as pants, and sat down on the curb to beg for change. Where I remain to this day.

Don’t feel bad, Commenter 83. Even the most successful interview doesn’t always work out in the end. As nominee FRAT STUD sums it up:

Guys at my high school rescinded offers to summer associates all the time. It was no big deal.

Of course, law students and summer associates aren’t the only ones feeling the pinch. As practicing associates get hit by salary freezes, layoffs, dissolutions, and a slew of disappointing bonus numbers, there was still ONE! ONE commentator who could find a little comfort in the flurry of numbers. Count Layoffula:

SEVENTY! SEVENTY LAYOFFS!!

And still only half bonus!! AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!

If they had no layoffs, there would be even less bonus to count! AH AH AH!!!

- Count Layoffula

ONE! ONE FAILED FIRM!! AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!

Look at all the legal work a failure creates!! We can count all the fees!!! AH AH AH!!!!

- Count Layoffula

ONE! ONE MORE FIRM PAYING CRAVATH LEVEL BONUSES!!!!! AH AH AH!!!!!!!

To help Elie COUNT, here are the biglaw firms that are paying full-bonus:

Skadden! ONE!! ONE FIRM!!!!! AH AH AH!!!!!

Here are the biglaw firms that are paying half-bonus:

Cravath! ONE!
Simpson Thacher! TWO!
Davis Polk! THREE!
Cleary! FOUR!
Dewey! FIVE!
Milbank! SIX!
Clifford Chance! SEVEN!
Willkie! EIGHT!
White & Case! NINE!
Paul Weiss! TEN! TEN FIRMS!!!! AH AH AH AH AH!!!!!!!!!

Which scale is market? AH AH AH!!

- Count Layoffula

At this point, you’re probably thinking this post is getting pretty long, and any ordinary reader would agree. But no matter the size, we just have to give some final props to the Glass Cock and his holiday poem:

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the firm
Not a creature was billing, not even a nervous first year;
The redwelds were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Lat soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of never seen daddy the lawyer danced in their heads;
And my para in her ‘kerchief, and I in my suit,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s due diligence review,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The dude my wife is sleeping with sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window he flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast reminded him of hot little Kash
As I was stuck in the office, drafting secretary’s certs,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature deal toy, and eight tiny paralegals,
With a little old senior counsel, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be the Ghost of Bonuses Past.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Cravath! now, Skadden! now, Wachtell and S&C!
On, Latham! on, Orrick! on, Weil and Thelen!
To the top of the Vault Rankings! to the top of the bonus payments!
Now bill away! bill away! bill away all!”
As conformed sig pages that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, imagine how calm it will be when your firm dies;
So up to the last FedEx shipment the closing docs they flew,
With the box full of exhibits, and Good Standing Certs too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the Name Partner came with a bound.
He was dressed all in woman’s clothing, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with sequence and loot;
A bundle of cash he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a hooker just opening her crack.
His eyes — how they darted! his dimples how queer!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose filled with blow!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin was covered with something that was white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, like a white clone of Elie,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A typo in his post and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And completed all the certificates; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, to the FedEx station he rode;
He sprang to his taxi, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the careers of us all,
But I heard him exclaim, as he delivered the certificates of stock,
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a Glass Cock.”

Congratulations to our nominees, and Happy New Year to all our readers!
Stay safe and, hopefully, employed.

Update: This poll is now closed. Click here to see who won.

—
Justin Bernold is a Director at Lateral Link, the sponsor of this survey.