Associate Advice, pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx:Party On, Wayne

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[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]

This week we received several requests for advice pertaining to that associate albatross, the firm holiday party. What should I wear? How much can I drink? Should I upgrade to Platinum membership at Equinox? In order to accommodate your overwhelming neediness, this week we’re abandoning our typical Pls Hndle Thx format in favor of a short etiquette guide to holiday parties. Hop on board – the Straight Talk Express is about to roll.

Casino Themes. Casino-themed parties are landmines. People lose all reason when they hear that a “Dinner for Two at Rosa Mexicano” or an iPod Nano is at stake, and I’ve personally seen the power of fake money in unmasking serious gambling problems. I urge those who are likely to get, er “intense” at the fake craps table to calm down, step away and immediately get a life.

Dress Code. The safest bet is to show up wearing exactly what you wore to work. Don’t pull a secretary and get changed in the handicapped bathroom into some Dorothy Zbornak sequined tunic. Don’t premiere your new Diesel jeans and ridiculous Express bolero-inspired button down.

Drinking Level. The worst feeling in the world is waking up and trying to figure out what the hell happened the night before. While it is perfectly acceptable to get drunk and “do things” outside the office or on weekends at random bars, I strenuously, STRENUOUSLY advise no more than two drinks at holiday parties, unless one of those drinks involves Patron, in which case a drink limit of one drink should be imposed in conjunction with a mandatory party exit time of 10pm. Trust me on this.

After-Parties. DO NOT ATTEND AFTER-PARTIES. The only thing that comes of them is that you will see things involving your coworkers that you never wanted to see and be forever bound to your fellow partygoers with this secret and terrifying knowledge. There is a bloodline.

Happy Holidays!

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Your friend,

Marin

Marin’s advice is a great way to remain a nameless, faceless associate, indistinguishable from the guy down the hall who billed 75 more hours than you. You’ll have your job in the morning, and beyond that, nobody can say.

If you want to get ahead, you have to take risks and holiday parties are a great opportunity to do that because you can always fall back on the “it was the freaking holiday party” excuse.

Casino Parties: If you don’t know how to gamble, stay away. If you do, take ’em. Take ’em all down. Beating the bag out of a partner that fancies himself a “good gambler” is the quickest office shortcut to respect. People remember who beats them at the tables, and they think about that when “bet the company” litigation comes around.

Dress Code: If there’s one day a year that you don’t want to dress like a lawyer, this is the day. Lawyer clothes = boring. Party clothes = somebody I might want to talk to for the first time ever. No nipples, no chest hair. Everything else is fair game.

Drinking Level: “You could act like a man!” Not like a frat boy at a football game. Not like a librarian who is afraid that one more drink might push him “over the edge.” If you are in a “recovery” phase of your life (haven’t we all been there), loudly order club soda or ginger ale. Other “step-masters” will nod approvingly.

After-party Parties: Yeah, just don’t do this. It always ends badly. Always leave them wanting more.

People who succeed on managed risks taken at firm-wide events become well known and well liked. “Now you think about that when I beat the rap.”

Make it happen,

Frank Nitti

A man once followed Elie’s advice. That man is Jeremy Pitcock.

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