Sweet Hot Justice

A Genius Like No Other

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[Ed. Note: The following piece was authored by “The Legal Tease” of Sweet Hot Justice fame. You can check out all of Legal Tease’s other evocative musings from Sweet Hot Justice here.]

You know this guy, you do. Every Big Firm has at least one. You started hearing the lore about him your first week at the firm and you admit that you were part intrigued, part terrified. You’ve seen him in passing in the halls, usually after most of the firm has emptied out after dark. Perhaps you’ve even tried to speak to him, only to be met with a distinct lack of eye contact and a half-snort as he scuttled away. He’s more socially awkward than any mental patient, not fit for human–no less client–interaction. But, word on the street–and that word’s always mentioned in hushed, reverential tones–is that he’s brilllliant. Like, crazy genius smart. That’s why the firm keeps him around. The brilliance. He’s the resident Big Firm Savant. And I’m here to tell you first-hand, the whole “genius” thing is a complete and total fraud.

How do I know this? Because I’ve spent the last two weeks holed up on an idiot fire drill deal that’s never going to materialize with not one, but two of my firm’s rumored Big Firm Savants.

One, of course, is our old friend, Glenn, who has the twin distinctions of having billed more hours than any other associate four years running and not having made eye contact since 1993. The other is Russ. Russ, a corporate equity partner whose book of business is rivaled in magnitude only by his lack of a personality. Or emotional range. Or ability to speak in a voice that doesn’t sound like he was recently plugged back into the Matrix.

Still, when I found out I’d be working with Russ, I figured it wasn’t necessarily all bad. Sure, I’d have to spend part of the holidays working on a dead-end deal led by a robot with lip chap the size of glaciers and a leadership style that rivals Ted Kaczynski’s. But on the upside, I’d finally get an inside look at how true legal genius works. I’d be working side-by-side two infamous Big Firm Savants. I’d experience the brilliance.

And most intriguing of all, I’d witness firsthand the rumored way that Russ supposedly “comes alive” in front of clients–because that’s part of the legend of Russ, of all Big Firm Savants: They’re corporate mole people around the office, but stick ’em in front of a client and bam, they “come alive.” They shed their awkwardness and stun anyone within billing distance with artfully delivered soliloquies of razor-sharp legal analysis worthy of the whitest shoe. They shine. They must, right?

Wrong.

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Read more about Big Russ and Glen after the jump.

When I came into Russ’s office for the first all-hands conference call for the deal, a call with about 600 people on it, Russ didn’t even look up, just kept staring at his dual computer monitors. Glenn, on the not-other hand, had managed to meld into a wall and stare at his fingers so effectively that I didn’t even notice him until his BlackBerry started vibrating. OK, so maybe genius operates…quietly.

The call started off uneventfully enough, but within only ten minutes, the lead counsel for the other side, a woman who introduces herself as “Helene-but-spelled-like-‘Helen’-it’s-Greek-OK?”, threw down a particularly insulting insinuation about our client–one that begged an obvious response from Russ. Glenn appeared to be focusing on his cuticles at this point, and Russ just adjusted slightly in his seat, not saying a word, staring even more intensely at his monitors. The tension was palpable. Another junior associate on the deal moved forward in his chair and gave me a smirking look–a knowing look, a look that said “Here it is, baby. This is what all the hype is about. He’s gonna tear it up!!”

And then…nothing happened. I looked over at Glenn. Cuticles. I looked over at the junior associate, whose smirk was fading. And then I looked over at Russ. And that’s when I noticed it.

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Need more? Don’t worry, we won’t tell. But you can read the rest of this story here.

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