Pls Hndle Thx: She’s Trying to Destroy Me
[Ed Note: Do you have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com]
ATL -
I’ve just been staffed on a relatively long term project with another associate. She and I went on one date a few months ago and hooked up, but that was it because she is batsh*t crazy. Since then she’s sent me a bunch of “let’s get lunch” emails and has “coincidentally” appeared at happy hour drinks when I’m out with people from the firm. I think this person is unstable and I don’t want to put myself in a position to be sabotaged by her. But I don’t want to appear like I’m rejecting work or that I’m not a “team player.” I also don’t want to make it known that I dated a co-worker. Any advice?
Every Step You Take
Dear Every Step You Take,
Let me get this straight. You still have a job in a law firm. Precious work is being offered to you. You are considering rejecting this precious work because you fear your colleague may be trying to destroy you. Seems reasonable.
Perhaps it’s time to throw caution to the wind and ramp up the auditing sessions, because if you’re actually considering nixing the project, you’re the one who’s “batsh*t crazy.” I’ve crunched the numbers and there is a 100% chance that the partners will hear about it if you reject this assignment. There is a 5% chance that she’ll “sabotage” you at some distant and nebulous time in the future. There is also an 80% chance that you’re describing the plot of Disclosure.
Given these stats, your best bet is to take the assignment and preserve your job now, and worry about Demi Moore stealing your promotion at Digicom later. Email trails are like Kryptonite to jerks, so transact all your business with her via email and you’ll be fine, work-wise. On an unrelated noted, if you want to ensure she gets your “not interested” message, I understand that herpes is an effective deterrent.
Your friend,
Marin
See, your first mistake was hooking with the crazy girl in your office. Maybe you really have spent too much time watching Disclosure and not enough time studying Fatal Attraction.In any event, what man has not been through the rigors of making his bed and then running very fast in the opposite direction to avoid sleeping in it? If you take the project you will either A) hook up with her again, or B) hook up with her again and like it. Both of these outcomes are bad for you. You’ve got to get out of this assignment and never speak to CWT NY ‘05 female associate again.
Obviously, getting out of the assignment could prove just as difficult as keeping a straight face when crazy girl tells you about things she used to do with her daddy. But there’s a way. You just go to the assigning partner and beg and lie. Beg and lie like your life depended on it. Kill off a grandparent if you have to. People are amazingly responsive to straight talk and forthright requests, especially when the whole gambit is based on a lie of epic proportions.
But always trust that you can get out of any particular assignment if you fully commit to the effort. And it’s worth going to the mattresses on this one. If you couldn’t keep it in your pants when she was just the weird girl down the hall, you’ll have no chance after spending 18 hours together in a windowless office making checklists or binders.
Don’t get fooled again,
The New Boss
The flesh is weak, but Elie’s advice is weaker. No grandparent death will get you out of a long term assignment, unless that grandparent is Tim Russert or Peter Jennings, in which case the network grieving process/continuous memorial montage running time is about two years. If you can’t stop yourself from falling prey to the seductive powers of closing sets in interior offices, then you won’t be able to stop yourself even if you ditch the assignment. Just take the project, and in the words of The Container Store: contain yourself.
(75) 
Comments
Does this have any impact on the layoffs at Cahill?
Besides herpes, consider revenge crabs. Google them for the website.
First. Do I get a prize?
BITCH SPREAD DEM BUTT CHEEKS SO I CAN CHECK FOR REVENGE CRABS ON YOUR JUICY INSIDES!
First. Do I get a prize?
Yeah, herpes is a little too long-term. Go with something a little less permanent. I hear Chlamydia is quite popular these days.
This post was written specifically to give Butt Cheeks a chance to shine, wasn't it?
emailing to do lunch does not make someone crazy.
I prefer Revenge Lobsters. They are just more my style.
If she boils a sheep in a pot on your stove then she is batshit crazy. Until then, SPREAD THE BUTT CHEEKS!
Next time she coincidentally runs into you at happy hour you should casually walk up to her at the bar and repeatedly stab her in the neck with a fucking pen and bury her in the desert.
Back in the 80's, all of us M&A power-attorneys used to have sex with the female associates all the time. It truly was no big deal. I recall one particular instance where two summer associates were so desperate to receive full time offers with our firm (because in those days, we didn't feel pressure to hire 100% of them) that they begged me to drive them home in my DeLorean. Next thing I know, they were ripping off my 3 piece power-suit!
We also used to get $200 dinners and $1,000 bottles of champagne just for closing a deal. It was the golden age for wall street lawyers!
But it wasn't all fun and games -- we would also spend our days developing novel financial instruments like the MBS. The money was flooding in from all directions.
10 - Does she boil the sheep before or after you nail it?
Way to keep up w/ SCOTUS's evisceration of the exclusionary rule, ATL.
Miss, I happened to notice that when you SPREAD YOUR BUTT CHEEKS, there were crustaceans in there on YOUR JUICY INSIDES. You should maybe have that looked at.
14 = oneHOLE
someone tell this loser to suck it up, lay some pipe, and be grateful anybody of the opposite sex will agree to touch his frail, squishy body without significant financial compensation.
Is it possible to donkey punch a Sheep?
Who is #4? He obviously hates women but does so with gusto. Got to admire that.
Who is #4? He obviously hates women but does so with gusto. Got to admire that.
11, you merged two different Pesci attacks from Goodfellas - FAIL.
#21 = racist oneHOLE
Clearly, you just scare her away by telling her you've already picked out names for the 8 children you would like to have with her, and then tell her your mother and grandmother will be around that evening for an early dinner followed by "family time" because now she is, after all, part of the family.
Again, Marin is correct. However, if I were you, I'd just keep fucking her, crazy or not.
Revenge lobster sounds awful except for maybe Mystal, who would simply harvest them for lunch. (He carries butter around in his pockets for emergencies)
SMU
The Student Bar Association will be hosting a seminar on dating in the work place. Topics to be covered include "Prophylactics- Who needs them?", "Fall/Summer romance- how summer associates can fuck their way to a fall offer" and "Billing- BITCH SPREAD DA BUTTCHEEKS SO I CAN SMELL THE JUICY INSIDES." One and all are welcome.
-SBA President
If you really believe the threat of sabotage is there if you're direct with her (i.e. "I'm not interested in anything long-term with you, our hook-up was a mistake, and I hope we can keep this professional."), just take the projects and protect yourself. If she sends lunch e-mails, it's a gift to you - just respond back that you can't make it. Repeatedly - there's your paper trail. Keep your e-mails all business and do the same in-person. Avoid being alone with her, even if it means making the situation awkward. Don't have private, cutesy e-mail exchanges with her. At every turn, involve other people in your in-person or e-mail interactions. It's not the most efficient way of getting things done, but women getting harassed do it all the time to scurry away from such problems.
Have sex with her mom right in front of her. I do this all the time and it works.
She is definitely not CWT NY 05 Female associate material.
Can someone remind me why Marin is not the EIC again?
"Email trails are like Kryptonite to jerks" -- good line. You get a gold star.
The 80s Guy is a pretty weak homage to 80s Guy... imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and all that I guess.
Dude, grow some nuts. Have you even talked to the girl to tell her you're not interested, or are you just afraid? Did it ever occur to you that she just wants to spend time with you and, absent you saying anything to her, she has hopes of something working out. Quite being a p*ssy and man up.
Tell her you are not really that into her and that you would rather share your love with a SHEEP<8
Every Step You Take,
You're F'ed! I own you and will make your life a living hell. Probably my own, too, but only because I'll tell someone when I'm fed up with you not treating me right and then the whole firm will know and everyone will think I"m a whore and will think you're trash and then you'll get let go for "performance" reason and whoa I should breathe sometimes and yeah you're f'ed.
-Batsh*t Crazy Girl
Are the women in Texas bigger also?
One option is to ask if the girl is into a three way with another girl.
Most straight girls will turn you down flat, but the crazy psycho chicks will accept. You'll have a ball, literally, while your life falls apart like a Bret Easton Ellis novel.
21, damn it. I was trying to merge Goodfellas and Casino
-11
Nothing on here meets the definition of protected speech. I love the 1st Am too, but this forum is incredibly hostile to anyone but a white boy who enjoys frat humor.
Seriously, I want some details on how this girl is bat shit crazy. Cooking a sheep (whole) would be an acceptable answer. Being a pathetic chick trying to score a repeat with a one-night-stand is just pathetic, not bat shit crazy.
Cool it with the sexist remarks.
- Patrick Bateman
11/38 -- you still f'ed up. A. Pesci was the attackee in Casino, not the attacker. B. Pesci was buried (alive) in a Kansas cornfield, not the desert.
I like the idea of banging the girl's mother on her desk while maintaining constant eye contact with batshitty girl. She'll get the message.
You know, I continue to be amazed at just how versatile Buttcheeks guy has proven to be. Between #4 and Lat's "Partners spread dem wallets" lines, I'm thinking there would be a new Commentor of the Year winner if the vote were now. Where have you gone Count Layoffula, a nation turns its weary eyes to you... ooo ooo ooo
BITCH SPREAD DEM CRAZY BUTT CHEEKS SO I CAN SMELLS THE JUICY INSIDES!
After she hears this I would imagine the emails would taper off.
28 is right. You got yourself into a mess and the best way to get out of it is to stay away from her and, when around her, be as professional as possible. Don't ever give her any reason to think that you want anything more than a professional relationship.
the chances that she actually is "batsh*t crazy" are really really slim.
from your description, she just doesn't think its completely over. Asking you to lunch, and showing up at FIRM events doesn't make her crazy; it makes you arrogant for thinking that she's stalking you. She's allowed to go to firm events, even if you might be there. as for lunch invites, it could either mean that she wants a) to sleep with you again, b) to start a relationship with you or c) to have LUNCH with you and get things back to normal.
you said you went on a date, it is totally normal for the girl to follow up on it, even if you're no longer interested. Even if she called too many times, or isn't getting the picture, that still doesn't make her crazy, and should not enter into the work place at all.
She sounds crazy to me unless she is hot and then it should not matter.
have her killed
Ramming speed!
Nice, 50. You can get your thumb out of my ass now.
OMG, she occasionally suggests lunch with a coworker and shows up at happy hours put on BY THE FIRM SHE WORKS FOR. Call the psych ward, stat!
I think the writer is imagining interest where there is none due to an inflated ego, as evidence by his need to write to ATL about this "problem."
Most of us would kill for a long-term project right now.
This thread is useless without pictures.
ESYT,
I've been in a similar situation and you are right to be concerned. First, forget the "you're being arrogant thing" that some commenters are posting. You are going to happy hour drinks with people from the firm, not firm happy hours. If she keeps showing up and keeps giving signals, you're right, she's still interested. If she also ramps up the post-hook up emails, that's another obvious sign. This, in itself, isn't a problem. It just means you did a good job. Pat yourself on the back. Now, protect yourself.
The problem comes in when, as you recognize, some women are not particularly good at handling rejection; particularly ones that are "picky" (i.e., emotionally retarded and incapable of enjoying relationships because their parents taught them that sex was something to be ashamed about and they lack the introspection to advance beyond the emotional mindset of a twelve year old). Once one of these "picky" girls decides that you're the one (or one of the ones) you're in a bit of trouble.
The best suggestion I can make is be a flake but an otherwise decent guy. Do not personalize your rejection. Make out with her again. Make out with other girls in front of her. That way, the reason SHE rejects you (eventually) is because you are incapable of settling down, not because you recognize that the line between doable and dateable is not as thin as people more hard up than yourself think it is.
Be fun, but lack any degree of seriousness. So, in the future, when she reflects back, she can see you as a good time but not a good enough guy for her. These women crave control. Give her the illusion of it and it is your safest way out.
Sincerely,
Learned the Hard Way
(That's what she said)
ESYT,
I've been in a similar situation and you are right to be concerned. First, forget the "you're being arrogant thing" that some commenters are posting. You are going to happy hour drinks with people from the firm, not firm happy hours. If she keeps showing up and keeps giving signals, you're right, she's still interested. If she also ramps up the post-hook up emails, that's another obvious sign. This, in itself, isn't a problem. It just means you did a good job. Pat yourself on the back. Now, protect yourself.
The problem comes in when, as you recognize, some women are not particularly good at handling rejection; particularly ones that are "picky" (i.e., emotionally retarded and incapable of enjoying relationships because their parents taught them that sex was something to be ashamed about and they lack the introspection to advance beyond the emotional mindset of a twelve year old). Once one of these "picky" girls decides that you're the one (or one of the ones) you're in a bit of trouble.
The best suggestion I can make is be a flake but an otherwise decent guy. Do not personalize your rejection. Make out with her again. Make out with other girls in front of her. That way, the reason SHE rejects you (eventually) is because you are incapable of settling down, not because you recognize that the line between doable and dateable is not as thin as people more hard up than yourself think it is.
Be fun, but lack any degree of seriousness. So, in the future, when she reflects back, she can see you as a good time but not a good enough guy for her. These women crave control. Give her the illusion of it and it is your safest way out.
Sincerely,
Learned the Hard Way
(That's what she said)
Guys at my high school used to be "incredibly hostile to anyone but a white boy who enjoys frat humor" all the time, it was no big deal.
Herpes may be an "effective deterrent" to future sexual expectations, but if she gets the idea that you gave it to her the disease may be worse than the cure.
See, http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0405051vick1.html
and
http://gothamist.com/2008/11/11/herpes_lawsuit_drama.php
PS: The same stalking thing happened to me at a Club Med once. I hid out for three days, then on the way to dinner saw an Australian guy hiding behind a palm tree—she had “hooked up with” then fixated on him. Try to encourage other male associates to date her. Most crazies can only fixate on one person at a time.
Dear 51: The line is "You can take your thumb out of my ass any time Carmine".
As you kiss her off, try the "Rodeo Ride".
That's where you mount her from behind, grab her breasts and whisper in her ear 'The little temp down the hall has much firmer ones", then see how long you can hold on.
She'll be the one asking for a change in assignments.
48 clearly has the right idea on this one
52 = crazy female associate
52 scares me. I can almost hear her shrieking as I type this.
12 YOU are a douche!
31: I was wondering the same.
You all suck. Both the pen and desert are from Casino. Pesci attacked someone with a pen in Casino, and is later himself buried in the desert, but there are several references to others being buried in the desert throughout, so the pen victim was also likely buried in the desert.
In other words, everyone FAILS. (Except maybe 11, before he screwed himself at 38).
you have to fight crazy with crazy.
kill her pets
you liked her enough to go on a date and hook up with her! she's definitely crazy for inviting you to lunch once in a while?!?!
67, go back to photoshopping those retarded photos of cats that Mystal keeps using.
well said 1, I'm hoping Cahill dissolves so I never have to heard another damn word about it.
also 54/55's advice is the ABSOLUTE WORST ADVICE I've ever heard. Marin's idea of contracting herpes would be better. You really think the way to get rid of a girl is to keep her thinking that you are interested in /attracted to her but not ready to settle down at the moment? Crazy girls will try to wait that shit out and make your life hell in the meantime. I've seen the scenario you described dragged out for, literally, years. (It's an asshole move anyway, even if she is crazy.)
Quit.
A true affection would likely be demonstrated by her allowing you space, and unfortunately, capping this misguided deviant alternative is an impossible proposition.
You will have better luck unstirring sugar out of coffee.
Best of luck.
Well said. When femassociates goloco, get away!
So you get to fuck the shit out of some random crazy chick at work and bill hours while doing it? Do you have a problem here, or are you just bragging? At the Christmas party next year when the partners are telling you about your killer year billing 3,000, you're thinking to yourself, "Yeah, and I was fucking and getting my dick sucked for 1500 of those hours."
Let some jizz drip down onto your diary every once in a while. Five years from now, when she is gone and married and you are getting no play because you are locked in your office trying to make partner, a couple of times a weeks you can pull out the book a jerk off while looking at the places where your jizm has smeared the ink a little. It might be a pathetic life, but its the one you've got, so enjoy it.
When she does that soft moist warm squeegee thing with her tongue to get the last drop out, stop and think to yourself - "hey, am I really this special, or, am I really just going where 500 men have gone before?"
Odds are that she's been hooking up and giving increasingly Scores VIP-like bjs for years. Now consider the question of why she hasn't been reeled in yet. Odds are it's because she's a PSYCHO!
Look friend, I made the same mistake myself once. She eventually showed up on my doorstep late one night, opened her coat and revealed all she had to reveal and promised to do anything I wanted if I'd just see her again. Then she stood out there ringing the doorbell until she fell asleep. I finally left my firm.
So don't hit the psycho chicks no matter how hot the sex. capiche?
Marin - I went on a date with a total dud down the hall last year. It was a huge mistake and pretty embarrassing, but I feel kind of sorry for the guy. Everybody here makes fun of him, so I occasionally throw him a bone and invite him to lunch. We just got staffed on a project, but I find him extremely creepy, particularly when he stares at me during firm happy hours. Any advice? Sincerely, Batshit Crazy Girl
This is the type of society we live in. We take investment advice from Madoff, weight loss advice from Oprah and job and relationship advice from unemployed and boyfriendless Marin.