Archive for February 2009

International Layoff / Salary Freeze Watch: Allen & Overy Hits Us With Their Best Shot
(Layoffs hit almost 10 percent of lawyers and staff.)

By David Lat

allen overy logo.jpgThis morning Allen & Overy quit beating around the bush and sent a firm-wide email announcing that there’d be some changes around there — major changes. It was with a heavy heart that firm managing partner Wim Dejonghe and senior partner David Morley inflicted a world of pain on its personnel:

Since the beginning of December, the Board has been conducting a thorough review of our business in response to the unprecedented economic conditions in which we are now operating. The inescapable and reluctant conclusion of that review is that there is simply not enough work to keep all of our people busy, and we do not see that changing in the foreseeable future.

In the beginning, Allen & Overy said: let there be layoffs, half in London, the rest from the network:

• Partners – A global reduction in partner headcount of approximately 9% (47 partners) and around a further 7% (35 partners) subject to equity adjustments. Around half of those affected will be London partners. This process is at an advanced stage and will be completed by the end of this financial year on 30 April.

• Other fee earners – A proposed 9% reduction in numbers of other fee earners globally. Around half of these are proposed to be in London, where the redundancy programme we undertake is likely to result in approximately 100 other fee earners leaving the firm. This will be subject to local employment processes which will commence immediately.

• Support Staff – A proposed 9% reduction in support staff headcount. Again, around half of these people would be in London, where roughly 100 staff are likely to be affected. This will also be subject to local employment law and, where appropriate, consultations, which will commence as soon as possible.

And then the firm created a firmament in the salaries and billable hour rates:

• Pay – For 2009 pay will be frozen for all staff globally – fee earning and support staff alike, subject to local employment law, where applicable.

• Fee rates – Acknowledging the impact of the global financial crisis on the firm’s clients, our headline billing rates are to be frozen at 2008 levels until further notice.

A spinoff, the full email, and whether Deirdre Dare is causally related to this mess, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “International Layoff / Salary Freeze Watch: Allen & Overy Hits Us With Their Best Shot
(Layoffs hit almost 10 percent of lawyers and staff.)”

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to New York
(Or: Pillsbury associates, brace yourselves.)

By David Lat

Acela Business Class Amtrak.jpgLaw firm partners need to watch more Gossip Girl. If they did, they’d learn the perils of talking about private matters in public places. In the age of BlackBerrys, texting, and cameraphones, it’s ridiculously easy for tipsters to leak details of overheard conversations and not-so-secret rendezvous to their favorite online gossip girl (or boy — XOXO, Lat).

Last year, we wrote about a Thelen partner who was overheard discussing her firm’s layoffs on the subway. Last night, we received this information, from a law student traveling from D.C. to New York:

This afternoon I boarded a train from Washington bound for Penn Station…. I, along with all of the other passengers, were sitting quietly when the man directly behind me decided to make a phone call using his bluetooth. He was talking so loudly that I think most people in the car were able to hear him.

His conversation, though he stressed how necessary it was to be kept secret (ah, the irony), detailed the current plans of Pillsbury to lay off somewhere in the range of 15-20 attorneys from four offices by the end of March, including a few senior associates with low billable hours and two or three first-year associates. I wouldn’t have believed it except for the fact that he identified himself to the call as Bob Robbins, who I learned is the leader of the firm’s Corporate & Securities practice section, and was talking to Rick Donaldson, who I learned was COO. What’s more, he was NAMING NAMES over the phone!

After we expressed skepticism over this wild story, including the tipster’s ability to catch the names of both Robbins and Donaldson, we received this response:

Robert Robbins Bob Robbins Pillsbury Winthrop.jpgI agree it’s pretty wild. I wasn’t trying to overhear, but I had no choice because of the proximity. The name “Robbins” I remembered because he said it so damn loud. I went to their website, and the picture [at right] was an exact match. He was big enough to fit almost two chairs.

“Donaldson” I didn’t remember as clearly. I remembered that it began with a “Do” and thought it was “Dotson,” but there was no “Dotson” on the site — just “Donaldson.” Also, he called him “Rick” a few times.

Says our source, in explaining the decision to tip off ATL:

Before today, I have never even considered posting on this website, but I was so mortified by my experience…. I’ve heard of attorneys being reprimanded for discussing client matters in an elevator. Where does airing your own firm’s dirty laundry on an express train fit on the list? I don’t know if there is a way that you can independently verify this, but if so, please do.

Partial verification, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to New York
(Or: Pillsbury associates, brace yourselves.)”

Judge Kent Does Not Kiss and Tell

By Marin

Judge Kent.jpgThe days following Valentine’s Day are always a good time time to check back in with ex-flames, long lost friends and alleged abusers. On that note, what has our old friend U.S. District Judge Samuel Kent been up to?

This Tuesday, Senior U.S. District Judge Roger Vinson of Florida, who is presiding over Kent’s federal sex crimes and obstruction of justice case, denied Kent’s request that the obstruction of justice charge be dropped or moved into a separate trial.

From the Houston Chronicle:

Kent’s lawyer, Dick DeGuerin, originally argued on paper that Kent should have two trials because he must take the stand in a trial of the sexual cases to say he believed his relationships were consensual but that he would not testify on his own behalf in the obstruction case. DeGuerin said on Tuesday that Kent will only likely not testify about the obstruction.

Just how did Kent obstruct justice, you ask?

In the obstruction charge, Kent is accused of lying about sexual contact with an employee to prominent federal judges who investigated a misconduct complaint against him.

But fans of Kent, worry not, for Kent’s explanation for the lie is beyond reproach.

Kent’s amazing excuse and notes on etiquette, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Judge Kent Does Not Kiss and Tell”

Nationwide Layoff Watch: Layoffs and Salary Cuts at Thompson Hine

By David Lat

Thompson_Hine_logo.jpgThe song “Cleveland Rocks” always seemed like a bit of a stretch to me, and yesterday’s events did nothing to dissuade. We’ve received several reports that 400-attorney Midwestern firm Thompson Hine has been conducting layoffs in its Ohio offices, including its Cleveland one:

12 lawyers, 5 paralegals, and 29 secretaries.

Another tipster reports that the layoffs number “at least 50.” Apparently three first year associates were among the carnage.

If this post sounds like run-of the mill layoff story about a small firm in a distant kingdom, you’re absolutely right. Except for the part where Thompson Hine takes away its 2007 salary bump and employs the second most terrifying economic deflection tactic we’ve seen yet:

word is that the firm has cut every associates’ salary by $20,000/year.

The firm has not responded to our request for comment, but if true, Thompson’s use of the Salary Cut marks the second appearance of this dastardly weapon since the economy tanked. Recall that last week, WolfBlock chopped associate salaries by 10%.

While the threat of the Salary Cut is contained at this time, let us pray that this spawn of an unholy alliance between the Reverse Perk and the Salary Freeze does not become epidemic.

Update: The firm has confirmed the pay cut and layoffs, to Am Law Daily:

Earlier this week Cleveland’s Thompson Hine told its associates and other non-partner lawyers that it will impose an across-the-board $17,500 base salary reduction. Those lawyers will, however, be able to earn back some or all of that sum as a bonus if they bill at least 1,750 hours this year….

The firm also announced layoffs this week, eliminating the jobs of 12 associates, five paralegals, and 29 secretaries. Furthermore, it has pushed back the starting date for its incoming first-year class to January 2010.

Thompson Hine M.P.: Associate Pay Cut Expected to Save Jobs [Am Law Daily]

Ask the Experts: Business Development 101 – Increase Your Value (Part 1)

By Kashmir Hill

Ask the Experts.jpg[This article was prepared by Tricia McGrath, a director in Lateral Link's NY office. For questions please contact Tricia at tmcgrath@laterallink.com.]

This is an interesting time in the legal industry. In the past few months, we have watched the lay-offs of many strong associates and counsel. If you are one of the gainfully-employed associates, what can you do to secure your position at the firm? How can you prevent becoming a casualty in the future? By embracing the changes in the market and increasing your value to your firm!

When I was a junior associate, no one ever contemplated getting business or preparing to do so. Perhaps naively, we didn’t consider that law firms were businesses. We thought that, if we did great work, there would be a place for us at the firm. We all wouldn’t make partner, but we’d get fabulous experience and then move into an in-house position or a law firm outside of the top 20 who would cherish us for our legal skills and training. Although that was only ten years ago, it might as well be one hundred given the changes in the legal market. Today, associates at all levels need to demonstrate value and the skills that will sustain the firm’s business in the future.

Business development is about building relationships. You want to get to know people and have them know you. It is all about building a network of contacts that you can leverage in the future. No one expects a junior or mid-level associate to go out and land a Fortune 100 client – that’s not how it works. At your level, you should be building contacts and legal expertise, both of which you’ll need in the future. You should demonstrate to your firm that you have a potentially bright future in rainmaking.

More after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Ask the Experts: Business Development 101 – Increase Your Value (Part 1)”

Morning Docket 02.19.09

By Marin

* U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder gets fierce during a speech for Black History month at the Eric Holder Obama AG.jpgDepartment of Justice. “Nation of cowards” kind of rubs people the wrong way. [CNN]

* Want to be Facebook’s James Madison? After its defensive contract writing debacle, Facebook is asking users to help it write a Bill of Rights. [Washington Post]

* A whole article on bonus rollbacks but no mention of the half-Skadden. [New York Times]

* UBS cries uncle in its match with the DOJ. The Swiss bank will pay $780 million and reveal the names of a few hundred of its many tax-evading clients. [Bloomberg]

* Lawyers for Minnesota Senator-wannabe Norm Coleman are growing desperate. They accused the judges of creating a “legal quagmire.” “It’s kind of like criticizing the official … during the middle of a game,” said Guy-Uriel Charles, a constitutional law professor at Duke University. [The Star Tribune]

* Nationwide Law School Dean Hiring Watch: University of Iowa. [The University of Iowa News Services]

Non-Sequiturs: 02.18.09

By Marin

loki.jpg* An MSM shout-out for ATL’s very own Hope Winters. [CNN]

* Mickey Rourke’s beloved chihuahua, Loki, crossed over the Rainbow Bridge this past Monday. Here’s to hoping that Mickey’s covered. [Wall Street Journal (subscription)]

* The Tax Workshop for Strippers & Sex Workers will be “speci​fical​ly helpful to those​ who work as indep​enden​t contr​actor​s,​ wheth​er in a club or doing​ priva​te work.​” Nice try federal investigators, but they’ve already pulled this stunt on To Catch a Predator. [The Faculty Lounge via TaxProf Blog]

* If Michael Jackson songs are prohibited on American Idol, I strongly recommend canceling the show. [Popsquire]

* When I first heard the term “waterboarding,” I thought it sounded like a delightful sport. [Brad DeLong: Notes]

* Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

And if I die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my toys to break.

So none of the other kids can use ‘em…

Amen. [Overlawyered]

Nationwide Layoff Watch: Kramer Levin Kuts 39 (18 Lawyers, 21 Staffers)

By Marin

Kramer Levin Naftalis Frankel LLP new logo ATL Above the Law blog.jpgLayoffs, layoffs everywhere. And not a one doesn’t stink.

The latest bummer comes from Kramer Levin, where attorney layoffs were conducted last Thursday. Staff layoffs took place today to the reaction of “shocked” personnel (in the words of a tipster). The firm confirmed the bad news to us via phone:

We confirm that in connection with our year end review process, 18 attorneys and 21 staff members were let go by the firm. Terminations were based on both economic and performance considerations.

But don’t take our transcribed word for it. An email sent by the firm’s managing partner at 4:20 p.m. today, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Nationwide Layoff Watch: Kramer Levin Kuts 39 (18 Lawyers, 21 Staffers)”

Judge of the Day: Joseph R. Wall, You Can Find Me at The Club

By Marin

Baby Mama Poster.jpgIf you’re sick and tired of paternity tests on every episode of Maury Povich, join the club — the baby mamas club, that is. In a decision by the Wisconsin Court of Appeals, the court ruled that the trial court’s use of the term “baby mama,” along with other comments about the African-American defendant’s habits, could lead to the reasonable perception that the defendant’s sentence was impermissibly influenced by race.

A quick review of the exchange between the trial court and the defendant reveals that the trial court judge (the Honorable Joseph Wall) is a jerk. But damned if he isn’t a hilarious one:

THE COURT: Where are you working now?
THE DEFENDANT: I’m unemployed right now.
THE COURT: You’re unemployed still?
THE DEFENDANT: Yes.
THE COURT: Have you gotten a job since January?
THE DEFENDANT: No, sir.
THE COURT: You’re kidding.
THE DEFENDANT: No.
THE COURT: What do you do all day?
THE DEFENDANT: I just stay at home with my daughter and that’s it.
THE COURT: Where is her mother?
THE DEFENDANT: At work.
THE COURT: So the mother works and you sit at home, right?
THE DEFENDANT: Yeah.
THE COURT: And watch the child?
THE DEFENDANT: I got all types of things goin’. My personal family.
THE COURT: Where does the baby’s mama work?
THE DEFENDANT: Metro Market.
THE COURT: Did she finish school?
THE DEFENDANT: Yes.
THE COURT: Is she going to college, too?
THE DEFENDANT: Yes.
THE COURT: Where do you guys find these women, really, seriously. I’d say about every fourth man who comes in here unemployed, no education, is with a woman who is working full-time, going to school. Where do you find these women? Is there a club?
THE DEFENDANT: No.

Wait, it gets better… after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Judge of the Day: Joseph R. Wall, You Can Find Me at The Club”

  • 18 Feb 2009 at 12:49 PM
  • Layoffs

Nationwide Layoff Watch: Deloitte Debits Attorneys

By Marin

deloitte.jpgSometimes when the balance sheets don’t, well, balance, somebody has to pay.

This week it’s the attorneys in Deloitte‘s Miami office who find themselves with a negative cash flow. We received reports of “multiple firings,” and that such firings occurred in Deloitte’s tax department. (Yes, some attorneys do go work for accounting firms; for more on that career option, see our earlier post.)

The extent of the firings, and whether they affected other offices, is unclear. However, Deloitte’s statement to ATL, which bears similarity to the refined prose of Jane Austen Fraternity Lothario, indicates that the firings are not limited to just a few poor souls or to Miami:

In a move to align its workforce to better reflect business and client needs, Deloitte is taking a number of steps to reduce costs in some of its businesses affected by the overall slowdown in the economy, including adjustments to our workforce levels in the US.

Severance details and coping techniques, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Nationwide Layoff Watch: Deloitte Debits Attorneys”

Pls Hndle Thx: Get Rich or Die Tryin’

By Marin

pls hndle.jpg

ATL -

I was an associate at Morgan & Finnegan and got laid off. It looks like I will not be getting my WARN Act payments, and I don’t know if I want to join a suit trying to claim those payments. I was thinking about suing the firm, but my concern is hurting my reputation in the legal community by suing a former employer. Could you please give me some advice on this?

Check’s In The Mail

Dear Check’s In The Mail -

For those of you just joining us, during the first hour of I Love Money 2, Morgan & Finnegan dissolved, laid off all its attorneys and allegedly cut them bad checks for severance/WARN payments (perhaps from a frozen account). If it’s a class action and you’re not the named plaintiff — sue until your heart’s content. But I’d be wary of filing suit if it’s just you, Dave, Dave from floor 17 and real estate Mike banding together to sue.

Let’s tackle the legal argument first in this latter scenario, seeing as this is a law blog. Are employees of bankrupt organization senior creditors? I have no idea; they told me not to bother studying commercial credit because it rarely appears on the bar exam. But practically speaking, nobody ever gets their money when places go bankrupt. Any episode of 20/20 featuring John Stossel could tell you that.

Are you prepared to sink a ton of time and money into pursuing this claim? If not, abandon ship now. There was a reason M & F billed you out at $300+, and that’s because their rates were intended to scare away all but those who had giant bags of money to spare. And apparently M&F scared them away, too.

Finally, if you, Dave, Dave and Mike sue, your complaint will inevitably appear on Above the Law. We’ll analyze it, we’ll criticize it, we’ll link to the PDF. But the collective scrutiny of Elie, Lat, Kash and myself is child’s play compared to the wrath of guest. Are you ready for the commenters?

Since Elie’s not here, after the jump I play the role of Elie and argue with myself for several paragraphs. Immediately thereafter, I check into Bellevue.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Pls Hndle Thx: Get Rich or Die Tryin’”

Associate Life Survey: Fear, Firings and Firm Support

By Justin Bernold

funny-pictures-kitten-and-puppy-watch-a-scary-movie-together.jpgWe received over 1,400 responses to last Wednesday’s ATL / Lateral Link survey on layoffs, which is slightly more than the number of attorneys actually laid off in last week’s Valentine’s Day Massacre.

Even so, roughly 70% of the respondents who hadn’t already been laid off said that they were at least a little bit afraid of joining their colleagues on the breadline.

And very few respondents thought their law firms were doing much to help avoid a layoff:

* About 19% of respondents said their firms were letting associates in slow practices keep their hours up by doing some work supporting the busier practices.

* But only 9% thought their firm would actually let them transfer from a slow practice to a busy one.

* And only 2% thought their firm would let them relocate to another office to find work.

* Similarly, only 2% said their firm was letting associates go part-time.

As lack of work gives way to lack of a job, firms’ support mechanisms for the downsized are looking a bit slim:

* Only 16% of respondents said their firm was providing ample notice to terminated associates, so they could find a new job.

* Only 15% said their firm was leaving laid off associates’ bios on the firm website while they looked for work.

* Only 4% of respondents said their firm was helping associates find positions with clients or with non-profits.

* Roughly 5% of respondents said individual partners at their firm were calling around to try to help associates find new jobs.

* 9% said their firm was making a career consultant available to the downsized.

More than a quarter of respondents, 26%, said their firm wasn’t doing anything to help associates deal with, or avoid, a layoff, and 35% of respondents said they didn’t know.

A few thoughts from the commentariat, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Associate Life Survey: Fear, Firings and Firm Support”

Nationwide Start Date Watch: Hogan & Hartson Is Moving On Back

By Marin

Hogan Hartson logo.jpgWhen firms catch a case of the economy, their illnesses often follow similar courses. They may freeze salaries. They may conduct layoffs. And the latest trendy symptom: they may push back associate start dates, the idea being that saving a couple months’ worth of associate pay will somehow shore up the firms’ balance sheets, steel them against the battering winds of the economy, and position them to be the greatest and most billingest places known to mankind, now or in the future.

Last week, Hogan & Hartson succumbed to push-back fever and joined Sonnenschein, WolfBlock, Nixon Peabody and others in the start date infirmary. Reports a tipster:

Hogan & Hartson announced on Friday that it was delaying the start date of all incoming associates to November 30. In the past, incoming associates could choose any Monday on which to start.

The firm has not yet responded to our request for comment on the start date change, but if they do, we’ll let you know.

Details of Hogan’s war against the economy and a concluding rhetorical question, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Nationwide Start Date Watch: Hogan & Hartson Is Moving On Back”

Morning Docket 02.18.09

By Kashmir Hill

Roland Burris ATL Lawyer of the Day.jpg* Illinois Sen. Roland Burris is under fire for more extensive contact with the Blagojeviches than previously admitted. He says he wasn’t trying to pay for the seat, but he did offer to throw a few fundraisers. Luckily, he’s not a good fundraiser. [New York Times]

* Status update from Facebook, “We messed up.” [CNet]

* Privacy advocates got Facebook to back down. But they lost against The Google. The Borings of Pennsylvania lost their invasion of privacy case against Google Street View. [CNet]

* Jones Day is not a fan of hyperlinking. [On Point News]

* Courtroom police officers are furious at Philadelphia Judge Craig M. Washington for removing photos of a slain officer from his courtroom. We hope he is not in need of protection in the courtroom any time soon. [Philadelphia Inquirer]

* We haven’t heard from Don Johnson since his attempt to play a lawyer in the failed WB show Just Legal. Johnson is returning to the real life world of law this week, suing for tens of millions in profits from 1990s “Nash Bridges.” [Reuters]

Non-Sequiturs: 02.17.09

By Marin

tandem.jpg* America can call off its search for Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike. I think we’ve found the culprit. [TaxProf Blog]

* For the avoidance of doubt, please see enclosed link (“Enclosure A”). [Courtoons]

* Jim Newell, blogger, thinks that lawyers in D.C. are not losing their jobs fast enough. Jim Newell may soon learn the downside to publishing under his real name. [NBC Washington]

* Residents of Miami high rise condo Buckley Towers won a $20 million verdict against an insurance company for damage sustained during Hurricane Wilma. With that kind of money in the mattresses, next week’s canasta tournament promises to be a nail biter. [South Florida Business Journal]

* Profits per partner are… wait for it… wait for it… DOWN at Simpson Thacher and Paul Hastings. And yet they still make more money than you. ZING. [The Lawyer]

* More on Michael Mukasey’s move. [Am Law Daily]

Divorce Lawyers: Washingtonian Ranks the Best of the Worst

By Marin

lumbergh.jpgMany moons ago, when I was a law student, I took Divorce Law based solely on the fact that the professor, who was a New York practitioner, brought in one of his celebrity clients to answer questions on the last day of class. My year, the professor rolled up with James Gandolfini, who, when asked how he could possibly justify going from The Sopranos to Surviving Christmas, intimated that a man had to pay his bills and that — sneaking a glance at the professor, corpulent and clad in horn-rimmed glasses, suspenders and an exquisitely form-fitting monogrammed Bill Lumbergh shirt — divorce is costly.

So how much are we talking about?

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Divorce Lawyers: Washingtonian Ranks the Best of the Worst”

Musical Chairs: Michael Mukasey to Debevoise

By David Lat

Michael Mukasey small Chief Judge Michael B Mukasey SDNY Above the Law blog.jpgThe revolving door between government and private practice is in full swing. This morning brought the news that Judith Kaye, former chief judge of New York State, has joined Skadden Arps as counsel.

And this afternoon brings more news: Michael Mukasey, fresh off his stint as U.S. Attorney General, will be joining the partnership of Debevoise & Plimpton. Before his service as AG, Mukasey was a partner at Patterson Belknap (and was a Patterson associate before becoming a federal judge in the S.D.N.Y.).

Why didn’t Mukasey return to Patterson? Perhaps Debevoise offered more dough. Fueled by a series of large internal investigations, including the international Siemens matter, the firm has seen its partner profits skyrocket in recent years. In 2007, profits per partner at Debevoise hit $2.3 million.

Says a Debevoise tipster: “Now I get to find out if waterboarding is torture.”

Update (3:05 PM): The Debevoise press release is now available here.

Update (4 PM): Mukasey gave a short interview to the WSJ Law Blog, in which he explained his decision to join Debevoise: “It’s particularly strong in litigation and in conducting major corporate investigations and preparing reports to boards. Also, it has many former government lawyers, including Mary Jo [White].”

Update (5:30 PM): More praise from Mukasey for Debevoise, over at Am Law Daily.

Michael B. Mukasey to Join Debevoise & Plimpton (press release)

A Law Blog Q&A With Former Attorney General Michael Mukasey [WSJ Law Blog]

Chief Judge Judith S. Kaye Joins Skadden, Arps (press release)

Former NYS Chief Judge Judith Kaye Joins Skadden [Am Law Daily]

Notes from the Breadline: Strike Another Match, Go Start Anew

By Roxana St. Thomas

Notes from the Breadline Roxana St Thomas.jpgEd. note: Welcome to the latest installment of “Notes from the Breadline,” a new column by a laid-off lawyer in New York. Prior columns are collected here. You can reach Roxana St. Thomas by email, at roxanastthomas@gmail.com, or find her on Facebook.

There are moments in life that portend tectonic change. It is possible, even before you can tell whether you are facing a perennial shift or simply a fleeting adjustment, to know that something — or perhaps everything — is different. In movies and on television, these moments are usually accompanied by musical cues, dramatic camera angles, or the distinctive drumline of the song that will narrate the aftermath of such a transformation. In reality, nothing quite so obvious happens. Your dog dies, your relationship fails, you graduate from law school, pass the bar, get married, win a jury trial, fall in love… and you find yourself wondering why events of this magnitude don’t leave a visible mark, if only to spare you the banal task of describing something that feels so profound. Unless you are unfortunate enough to lose an eye or grow a horn, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.

As it turns out, being “terminated” abruptly on a bright winter morning is just such a moment. When it comes to getting laid off, there is a distinct “before” and “after” — and standing outside your office chain-smoking delays, but does not prevent, your arrival in the after.

After far too many cigarettes, I wander back upstairs, suddenly aware that everyone around me looks busy. They are on their way to make phone calls, or attend meetings, or engage in whatever it is that I am no longer needed for. I get off the elevator and go straight to the restroom, where I confirm that a bright red letter (perhaps an “L,” for “loser,” or maybe a “C,” for “canned”) has not appeared on my bosom. I look fired, I think, knowing as I do that firing probably does not leave a visible aura. Still, I feel like an impostor, or someone dressed in a particularly lame Halloween costume, and I am mildly surprised when my card key still unlocks the door. I am already a ghost in this office: rendered irrelevant, but bound to roam the halls alongside the functioning members of its tiny, carpeted world.

Before I can make it back to my desk, I am accosted by my friend Dave, a paralegal. He waves me into his office, where he is sitting anxiously on the edge of his seat, and tells me to close the door behind me. “I can’t fucking believe this,” he says, staring at his computer screen. I am certain that he is about to tell me that he has been “let go” as well, and my stomach clenches. Not Dave, too, I think. I happen to know that he has just finished purchasing a kegerator and a home entertainment center, and I have a terrible vision of both being hauled away by the repo man while Dave stands on his front stoop with an empty beer stein, sobbing.

My fear is short-lived; he is about to consummate a transaction on Hotwire, and if his research is accurate, he has scored a room in a “fucking amazing” four-star hotel for $192 a night. If he is wrong, he has just treated himself to three nights and four days in a “fucking shithole.” He grabs my arm nervously before he hits enter, holding his breath. It works; he will be staying in the hotel he wanted. He springs up and throws his arms in the air, as if he has just nailed a landing from the uneven bars, and I find myself caught in a surreal flurry of high-fiving and fist-pumping. Overwhelmed with relief, he regales me with a detailed account of his booking coup d’etat, promising to send me a link to a website he used. I feel myself slipping away as he talks, unable to comprehend the idea of a vacation. I wonder if we can talk about particle colliders or tulip bulbs; both would seem less strange right now.

When the conversation finally turns to work, however, I find myself unable to respond. “Did you get any assignments?” Dave asks, aware that I have had very little to do recently. “No,” I say slowly. “I think I’m going to get fired.”

Read more, after the jump.

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Notes from the Breadline: Strike Another Match, Go Start Anew”

Are There Tons of Depressed, Substance-Abusing Lawyers Out There?

By Kashmir Hill

lawyer depression depressed lawyers above the law.jpgYesterday, we asked you to take a poll about your happiness with the decision to become an attorney. Of the over 4000 poll takers (as of the time of this posting), approximately 60% said they were satisfied with the decision, but about 17% responded with “I hate my life.” On that note, did you know that lawyers lapse into serious psychic distress at a rate about double that of the general population?

The Cleveland Bar Association mentions this fact (among others) in its campaign to raise awareness about lots of disturbing trends among lawyers: depression, alcohol and drug abuse, sexual neuroses… (Okay, not that last one, but based on ATL comments, it may be a problem for some of our readers.)

Some of the ways in which you are all f***ed up, from the Cleveland Plain Dealer:

  • About 10 percent of the U.S. population suffers from drug and alcohol addiction. But 18 to 20 percent of lawyers are alcoholics and drug addicts, says the ABA.
  • Lawyers are more depressed than dentists: “A 1990s study at Johns Hopkins University put the likelihood of depression among lawyers as first among 28 occupations studied, a rate 3.6 times higher than employed people overall.”
  • “Suicide is among the leading causes of premature death among lawyers. A 1992 report of the National Institute of Occupational Safety and Health found the rate of suicide among male lawyers to be double that of men in general.”

    If you weren’t depressed before, perhaps you are now. So why are lawyers so glum?

    Psychologists and counselors cite a number of reasons why lawyers are more prone than average to sink into despair. They are praised and highly paid for being aggressive, intellectual and emotionally detached.

    Other potential reasons for the despair, after the jump.

    double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Are There Tons of Depressed, Substance-Abusing Lawyers Out There?”

    • 17 Feb 2009 at 12:30 PM
    • iPhone

    iFart, You Fart: Is ‘Pull My Finger’ Trademarkable?

    By Marin

    iphone.gifWith cancer cured and AIDS no longer a threat, America can finally turns its attention toward that final frontier of western civilization: iPhone fart applications. For those of you unfamilar with fart applications, they are downloadable programs that make “hilarious” farting noises on command, thereby rendering real farts completely obsolete.

    But where there’s gas, there’s a fire, and last Friday, the creators of iFart Mobile asked a Colorado federal court to rule that the phrase “pull my finger” was common parlance and therefore not protectible under trademark law.

    By way of background, iFart previously published a press release announcing that Apple had at long last agreed to carry the “innovative” application. The release stated, somewhat disparagingly, that for many months, iPhone users were denied this critical application, as prudish Apple did not want apps asking people to “pull my finger.” However, when the creators of Pull My Finger, another iPhone fart application, got, er, wind of this press release, they threatened suit for trademark infringement.

    There is perhaps no better use of the court’s time, or your time, for that matter, than reading iFart’s bag of hot air complaint. Highlights and the completely ludicrous document, after the jump.

    double red triangle arrows Continue reading “iFart, You Fart: Is ‘Pull My Finger’ Trademarkable?”