pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: The Future is Unwritten

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

ATL –

I am one of many 3Ls who already missed OCI and are now trying to figure out what to do. We go to a T-50 school in a major market and have grades ranging from top 25%-15%. We’ve tried mass mailing to firms (all sizes), networking with judges and attys and nothing is paying off. Any advice on how we can find jobs? We aren’t looking to get rich, we just want a paycheck that we can live off of without having to eat nothing but noodles for the rest of our lives.

I’d also be interested in a take on our future, do we have any chance later on of securing a strong job with a large to medium size firm? Should I tell my wife to leave me so her life isn’t financially ruined as well?

Pork and Beans

Dear Pork and Beans,

Incidentally, when I’ve noted in past Pls Hndle Thxs that there aren’t very many law jobs to be had at the moment, I wasn’t joking around or hogging all the available jobs for myself. It’s just a bad economy, as my rich cousin likes to say, mere seconds before I punch him in the face. I’m sure you already know about this, but there are a bunch of law job websites (both firm and government employers) that you should monitor and contract attorney agencies with which you should register and then harass for work. Also, your school probably has separate alumni job listings, so the minute you graduate jobless, you can start checking that. In the meantime, there are other jobs – waiting tables, babysitting, working in retail. Might as well get a discount at Aeropostale while you’re waiting for a law job to strike, right?

Should your wife leave you? That depends entirely on the type of woman you married. If she’s a cosmo- swilling, Bergdorf allowance-getting, non-parody DABA girl, you won’t have to tell her to leave you, because chances are she’s already gone. If she married you because of your debonair looks and your intentions to replace the macaroni necklace you made her while a student with some legitimate ice, you still have time to make good on that promise. Hopefully your wife was not bluffing when she vowed to that “or poorer” boilerplate, so she should be ok with noodles for a time. Unless she’s on the South Beach diet, in which case the good news is that there are, evidently, no assets, equitable division should be a cinch.

As for whether you’ll ever work in a firm – a dream is a wish your heart makes. Anything is possible once this economy turns around, but if you want answers now, text STAR to 4ASTRO to begin receiving your daily horoscope or LOVE to 69000 for sexy ladies who are waiting to hear from you.

Your friend,

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Marin

Next up, Elie provides decent advice. Really!

Here’s the thing, small firms in places that are not considered major markets are hiring. They are not firms most people have heard of. They are not located in places most people have heard of. You might have to do things you never thought you’d have to do (think Mark Wahlberg, Boogie Nights, and a truck). I mean we are definitely in “two dragons” territory.

But the question isn’t so much “is there any way I can get a legal job?” The question is “how desperate are you?”

And that’s where the whole “ex-wife” possibility comes into play. A significant drop in standard of living has scuttled many a happy relationship. You and your spouse probably need to have a very frank conversation about the prostitutional professional opportunities in Council Bluffs, Iowa.

Don’t worry about taking her down with you. If she’s financially stable she won’t mind being a sugar mama for a while. And if she wants to leave you for a man with better prospects, I suggest you wish her well and thank God that you got out of that train wreck before you had any assets to split. Don’t be afraid to ask for alimony on her way out of the door.

Top 25% at a T-50 school? Brother, you have some tough times ahead. But so do we all. You can make it. Be flexible, be creative, be totally devoid of pride. It’s how we all need to roll right now.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go rescue my noodles from the microwave. Here’s a tip, if you put frozen peas in the Ramen, the (very inexpensive Green Giant peas) don’t taste as bland, but the overall meal is more filling. You can even save some for later and essentially get two meals out of one serving. You think I’m joking …

Suzelie Ormond.

Good point, Elie: there are jobs if you’re willing to move inland. I cannot speak intelligently about the legal markets in Idaho or Oklahoma, but they certainly couldn’t be worse than those in New York, DC and L.A., and if they are, now might be a good time to buy a DeLorean and investigate the possibilities of time-travel. In order to get a paycheck, you may have to sacrifices – including the nature of the job, its location, or your marital status. There is a reason Something’s Gotta Give was released after As Good as It Gets, and it’s not just because the public demanded more senior citizen love scenes.

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