Add RSS RSS

Pls Hndle Thx: 50 Ways To Leave Your Law Firm

Thursday, March 5, 2009 9:59 AM - By Marin

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

pls hndle copy 2.jpgATL,

As a brand new first year associate at one of the top three law firms in New York, I find myself in a position that is the opposite of my colleagues: while they are all running around in circles in terror of being laid off, I have been fantasizing about that fate befalling me. I don’t know how I found myself in this position: I was never meant to be a lawyer. I just happen to be clever and charming, and law school was easy, and these people offered me all this money, and I thought, hey? Why not?

Well, turns out they want my soul. Those people never leave the building. So, the absolute best thing that could happen to me is that when the layoffs come around I find myself at the top of this list. Then a fat severance package, so I can run off to some cheap, tropical part of the world and finish up the book that this stupid job has been keeping me from finishing.

So my question is: what can I do to maximize my chances of being laid off?

Margaritaville

Dear Margaritaville,

God, when I read about those six month vacation severance packages, you bet your sweet bippy that I called all of my contacts to see if there was any way somebody could fire me at Latham. Not that this column hasn’t made me a millionaire MANY times over.

If you’re at one of the top 3 firms in NYC, you’re at Wachtell, Cravath or S&C. We haven’t heard reports of attorney layoffs at those firms, which means that you have two choices: immediately lateral to Pillsbury and hope for the worst or fight for your right to be laid off. Of course, wrangling severance from your firm will involve actions slightly subtler than ceasing to show up to work or sending urgent emails directing clients to find Waldo in the attached picture. But by using a powerful combination of mediocre work product, low hours and distressing personal habits, you greatly increase your chances of taking all-expenses paid trips to paradise and the unemployment office (which, in my humble opinion, are actually the same place).

Your first order of business is to send out an email to all partners at your firm notifying them that unfortunately you can only accept capital markets or real estate work at this time. If they attempt to staff you on other matters, gently remind them that they’re not the boss of you. It also goes without saying that any assignments you draft should be based on 2006 templates and submitted in Paintbrush font for partner review. Hours should max out at 70 per month, with at least 30 of those devoted to pro bono. You want to convey that you’re not screwing up on purpose, you’re just new at this!

However it’s a first year’s job to mess up and ruin things, so in order to stand out as a liability, you’ll also need to seem like a pervert or creep. Line your bookshelves with entire Babysitters Club series, invest in a pair of light blue vampire contact lenses, wear a Snuggie around the office - these are just a few of the ideas you can use to set you apart from the pack. Undoubtedly you’re already working with some socially awkward people. Let them inspire you!

While getting laid off with severance would be the ideal situation, practically speaking, you may not be fired at all. You may remain at your secure job, grudgingly accumulating large paychecks and maintaining abhorrent health insurance. Surely no crueler sentence was ever imposed. So if the firm won’t fire you, you must fire yourself.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie’s drunk again, after the jump.

Wow. I’m speechless. I don’t even know how to respond to this.

(Cracks open 40 of Duff, waits for donkey)

You’ve got one of the only stable jobs in Biglaw, and you want to throw it all away during the worst economic crisis anybody can remember?

(Pounds another beer)

But really, can anybody put a price on your soul? Money and security aren’t everything. In fact, some would argue that those things are positively stifling to creativity and meaningful experiences.

(Salt, limes, Patron)

In fact, screw these people. Who do they think you are? You didn’t know when you signed up that this job would require work or backbreaking effort. It was supposed to be …

(Hello donkey)

Easy. If your firm wants something more than the minimal effort you’re willing to give, it best go find some other poor idiot with no self-respect to go pick up the dry cleaning.

(Jello? I haven’t done one of those in ages!)

So here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to walk in there and tell them to shove their legislative agenda right up their ass. And if they give you any back talk, you’re going to show them the back of your hand. Tell ‘em, Large Marge sent you.

(Oh, hey, Lat. No I’m not drinking and driving, I mean typing. Typing and drinking. I mean no. Lay off where? We don’t have a couch.)

Excuse me, I’m late for a meeting,

Ben Sanderson.

Back here on earth, we ignore the drunkards and stick to the facts. Now may not be a great time to leave your job, but you know what? There is never a good time to give up $160K+. According to Jason Mesnick, who proposed to Melissa on The Bachelor and then dumped her on national tv and immediately thereafter begged for evil runner-up Molly back, you must follow your heart, no matter what the cost. If it is your heart’s desire to be canned and finish your novel, make sure it happens, with or without severance. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free.

(61) Comments
Posted in: pls hndle thx

Comments

Comments hidden for your protection. Show them anyway!

Post Your Comment