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Pls Hndle Thx: Sittin’ on the Dock of the Bay

Wednesday, March 11, 2009 12:20 PM - By Marin

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

pls hndle copy 2.jpgATL -

What, the hell, am I supposed to do [as a recently laid off associate] when I am NOT looking for a job? Bottom line, getting rejected only takes up so much of my day. What kinds of things should I be doing with the rest of it. You know, when is it okay for me to start drinking (noon, two, sundown)? And what kind of cheap alcohol should I be looking at now that I can’t afford top-shelf? Any good T.V. shows I should be catching up on (I’m done with Law & Order. D-U-N!) How often should I expect my still employed friends to come out and drink with me (I know 7 days a week isn’t the right answer … what about six?)

Welcome to the Jungle

Dear Welcome to the Jungle,

Luckily you’ve come to the right source - between Elie and I, we’ve got years of unemployment under our belts. It takes some adjusting, but after those first two weeks of joblessness are over and you’re tired of cursing the day you were born, it’s time to get up off the couch, wipe off the Sour Patch Kids dust, and get moving.

Congratulations - it sounds like you’re over the self-loathing part and are already job hunting. As you correctly pointed out - this takes up very little of the day as a) there are few jobs to be had and b) you might as well be sending your resume into outer space because nobody’s getting back to you anyway. That’s why, if you don’t have a job, your job is to be in the best damn shape of your life. It’s simple survival of the fittest - if you lose your craft, you must rely on your plumage to survive. My mom once said, “if you can’t play the sport, look good on the court,” and though she was referring to a particular outfit she bought for step class in the hopes of impressing her instructor Alfonso, it does help to look good when you feel like your life is falling apart. One’s psyche is not benefited by spending days pounding Klondike bars and Bailey’s Irish Cream while watching repeats of The Amazing Race on Hulu from bed on one’s laptop. A very close friend of mine can attest to this.

In terms of what tv to watch, I strenuously recommend a strict diet of reality TV only. The Bachelor, What Not to Wear, Intervention, Sober House, The Biggest Loser, Tool Academy - these shows were designed to make you feel better about yourself. You may be unemployed, but at least you’re not groveling for roses, wearing hideous clothes, a heroin addict, a recovering heroin addict, morbidly obese or a douchebag with unsightly tribal tattoos, respectively. I draw the line at Dancing with the Stars, however. I may be unemployed but I still have my dignity.

My advice: work out, apply to jobs, be proactive, attend to your pet, learn to cook, write your book, complain to friends, clean your apartment. Make sure that your affairs are in order so that when a job or a very rich man or woman comes your way, you are in the best position to pounce. If you build it, they will come.

Your friend,

Marin

Elie sets adrift on memory bliss after the jump.

After you finish doing whatever you are going to do to look for work, your only goal should be pure, unfettered, escapism. If Soma existed, I’d say take that until the severance runs out.

Working out is useless. You don’t have a job, who are you keeping up appearances for? You’re running out of money, why drink Bailey’s when you can have Emmet’s, which is not nearly as good for half the price?

Don’t take up a hobby, don’t try to become a “better” person. There’s was nothing you could do to keep your job, don’t lie to yourself and believe that there is a whole lot you can do to get a new one. Blaming yourself is the easy way out, because sometimes retreat is the hardest thing to do. Just. Let. Go.

Luckily, there are many ways to escape from the cruel realities of the real world from the comfort of your couch. You don’t even need narcotics (you want to escape to a new reality, not uselessly try to alter the current one). Just go to a Best Buy and pick up a copy of Civilization IV.

If you’ve played Civ, you already know that it is one of the five best things currently available on Earth. If you don’t know Civ, but have lost your job (or want to lose your job) just go pick up a copy. You can thank me in three months when you surface.

For television, Star Trek: TNG is always on and has a great underlying philosophy about working for one’s own self improvement. It’s great because it reminds you that you didn’t like that old job anyway. There’s no way you would be a Starfleet lawyer.

I also suggest developing an unreasonable crush on one of the cable news anchors. (Mmm … Tamron Hall). That way your gf/bf checks in on you everyday, and each time he/she wears something different.

Civ, Star Trek, News Porn. There aren’t enough hours in the day to enjoy all of that goodness.

Trust me,

Bizarro Aldous Huxley

The difference between and Elie’s and my philosophies can be expressed as Britney 2007 v. Britney 2009. Elie’s essentially encouraging you to dump your long-time manager, drink Venti Frappuccinos, shave your head, have a second kid with a back-up dancer, and drive back and forth between Sonic and Promises rehab. That didn’t work for Britney - her apropos album “Blackout” didn’t sell and you saw that 2007 VMA performance, and it won’t work for you. America loves a comeback so be the comeback Britney: slightly haggard but still sparkling.

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