Wilmer Lunch Memo
Last month, we brought you a summer lunch memo featuring the comedic stylings of lawyers from Cleary Gottlieb.
This week, a lunch memo is going around the offices of WilmerHale:
Year in and year out, our Summer Associates tell us that what they remember most is the time they spent with the lawyers of WilmerHale. And there is no better way for each of you to get to know these 38 lawyers-to-be than to take them to lunch and chat them up a little bit.Look around your floors today and take notice of the new Summer Associates. And yes, those of you on floors 21 and 31 may have to put in a little more effort and look around other floors on your way to meetings. Keep in mind, Summers tend to (a) have full heads of hair, (b) be a touch overdressed on their first day, and (c) have nice WilmerHale paraphernalia that even those of us who have labored here 5, 10, 15 years don’t get. Make a point to invite those folks to lunch a few times over the next 10 weeks.
The memo goes on to parody the Boston-area furniture store that famously gave away a lot of merchandise for free when the Boston Red Sox won the world series.
While we at Above the Law appreciate any attempt at levity during these difficult times, some WIlmerHale tipsters are less than impressed:
[O]bviously written by someone who is on the cusp of having a sense of humor not quite there. [It] lacks the risqué-ness of the Cleary memo (e.g. class distinction - “you can go to McDonalds,” etc) but is what you get from the most rigid firm in Boston.
Everybody’s a critic. And while we admit that the memo is a little bit inside (Boston) baseball, at least WilmerHale is joking. That has got to be better than the lunch memos that came out of Simpson Thacher.
Read the full memo after the jump and see for yourself.
WILMERHALE — MEMORANDUM — SUMMER LUNCHES
Date: May 26, 2009
To: WH Boston Lawyers
From: REDACTED
Re: Boston Office Summer Program Lunch Fund
The MONSTER™ SUMMER LUNCH PAYBACK™ is here.[1]
Year in and year out, our Summer Associates tell us that what they remember most is the time they spent with the lawyers of WilmerHale. And there is no better way for each of you to get to know these 38 lawyers-to-be than to take them to lunch and chat them up a little bit.
Look around your floors today and take notice of the new Summer Associates. And yes, those of you on floors 21 and 31 may have to put in a little more effort and look around other floors on your way to meetings. Keep in mind, Summers tend to (a) have full heads of hair, (b) be a touch overdressed on their first day, and (c) have nice WilmerHale paraphernalia that even those of us who have labored here 5, 10, 15 years don’t get. Make a point to invite those folks to lunch a few times over the next 10 weeks.
And here’s what’s in it for you (other than a nice lunch):
IF the Red Sox sweep the “Big Series”[2], AND IF Jason Varitek, Julio Lugo, Daisuke Matsuzaka, and Travis Denker hit back-to-back-to-back-to-back home runs to right-center field in the fourth inning of Game 3 of the Big Series[3] THEN…
Legal Personnel will reimburse the full cost of your lunch! (Certain other conditions apply, see “contest conditions” below).
And, even if the Red Sox don’t sweep, or even make the post-season, you will get a solid “thank you” from Peter Kolovos and one member of the Legal Personnel and Recruiting Department to-be-named-later.
CONTEST CONDITIONS:
(1) Lunches should be about $25-$30 per person (i.e., unlikely to happen at Morton’s, but certainly doable at Al’s);
(2) Lunches should consist of one or two lawyers and no more than a few Summers (with at least as many Summers as lawyers), and we also prefer that the lawyer select the Summers rather than having one Summer send out a blast email;
(3) Submit all receipts with the names of lunch attendees to the Legal Personnel and Recruiting Department for reimbursement (yes, we’re happy to pay you back right away, so long as you understand we will track you down if the Red Sox let us down); and
(4) Certify that you “very strongly considered” bringing your own reusable water bottle[4] to lunch (soda is overpriced).
Enjoy your Summer
[1] Note there are some slight changes to the Firm’s prior Summer Associate Lunch Programs.
[2] We’re not allowed to use the term “W—-d S-ries” without the written permission of Major League Baseball, which we did not have time to get because three out of the four of us procrastinated in writing this memo and left it to the most junior co-chair to do on a day when he also needed to complete a big research assignment.
[3] If Game 3 is a road game for the Red Sox, pitchers will hit, so there is a possibility that Matsuzaka would get an at bat. Travis Denker is a quality second baseman for a Red Sox minor league affiliate right now, but we’re told he has a bright future.
[4] The Green Committee will also ask for such certification.
(64) 
Comments
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Fizz-urst.
first
Because WH knows all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time.
Cute! And as we all know, the standard for law firm humor is VERY low . . . .
you need to get a copy of the memo sent out to the folks in the dc office. very different tone altogether.
Footnotes in a lunch memo? The only one that's managed to actually be funny was the infamous sushi memo from years back.
So they're not reimbursing SA lunches. Sweet. Hilarious.
8th donut for MysTTTal today
Anyone have a copy of the memo circulated around the SkaddenDC office last week?
3-Did you live under power lines as a kid?
Slow news week if this memo merits a post.
The "cusp of humor" tipster is an asshole with no sense of humor. Yeah it isn't Dave Chappelle but wtf do you want from a firm-wide mass email?
10
3 is obviously a Thompson Hine associate. He and Rogue Associate have nothing to do there.
I am moderating my secretary in her ass right now as I read this memo.
multitasking wild card, bitches!
In terms of my playing career, I regret only one thing—the spitting incident. But you know what? It taught me a valuable lesson. It taught me that I was getting way too intense during the game. It let me know I wanted to win way too bad. I had to calm down. I wanted to win at all costs. Instead of playing the game the right way and respecting the game, I only thought about winning.
Much like Big Papi... SWING AND A MISS!
Take summers to Louis' Restaurant in the Bronx, and try the veal. It's the best in the city.
I don't understand the humor in the memo. I just don't.
Boston Sucks
The new Star Trek movie is pretty good, they could take the summer associates to see that.
This firm has always had no personality. This memo is about as funny as cancer.
-Denny Crane
Why the humor when some firms are announcing furloughs?
I dont even get it, are they not reimbursing for SA lunches?
Guys in my High School went to lunch at Morton's with SAs all the time, it was no big deal
This memo shows the basic cruelty and lack of compassion of big law firm leadership and management. Obviously, we assume that Wilmer's footnote 3 is not serious (i.e., they will not really try to recoup costs of lunches if Red Sox do not have home runs in a WS game), but even a good practical joke (or at least a kind-hearted one) includes a "gotcha, just kidding!" somewhere at the end, but this never does. More importantly, though, this type of joke could only possibly be acceptable at a work environment if there was no possible way they could be serious, but associates do not know what penny-wise policies could be implemented by a flailing firm that has already screwed last year's summer class with deferred start dates, etc. Additionally, the policy on submitting receipts is buried so deep in the memo, it initially appears to be an attempt to make light of a firm's decision not to reimburse lunches. Obviously, this is just a small issue, but it shows the inherent absence of a moral compass in a law firm.
This memo shows the basic cruelty and lack of compassion of big law firm leadership and management. Obviously, we assume that Wilmer's footnote 3 is not serious (i.e., they will not really try to recoup costs of lunches if Red Sox do not have home runs in a WS game), but even a good practical joke (or at least a kind-hearted one) includes a "gotcha, just kidding!" somewhere at the end, but this never does. More importantly, though, this type of joke could only possibly be acceptable at a work environment if there was no possible way they could be serious, but associates do not know what penny-wise policies could be implemented by a flailing firm that has already screwed last year's summer class with deferred start dates, etc. Additionally, the policy on submitting receipts is buried so deep in the memo, it initially appears to be an attempt to make light of a firm's decision not to reimburse lunches. Obviously, this is just a small issue, but it shows the inherent absence of a moral compass in a law firm.
7, you did not read the memo, did you?
This non-peer firm's memo imparts with as much humor as a penile injection (pre-Viagra days). What kind of miser would voluntarily work for this firm?
The ship be sinking
No chance of the Red Sox making the World Series.
"The Aristocrats!"
Wilmer Boston has always been a stingy, extraordinarily cheap firm...even in the best financial times. Frankly I am shocked that they have a $25/30 person cap on lunch without imposing a maximum number of lunches that could be attended by each associate and/or summer.
Dustin Pedroia is the man!
Five
Five Dollar
Five Dollar Footlong
The baseball masturbation detracts from the humor.
WH DC doing performance-related "transitions." No severance, out the door by August 31st.
Hey Sully, fahking Bahston asslobstahs for everybody!
Eat fresh!
Wilmer? I don't even know 'er!
36
And where, exactly, are WH DC associates supposed to go after August 31? The job market in DC is D-E-A-D.
The DC market is dead? Bbbbuuuttt, HOPE, bbbuuutttt, CHANGE!
According to the USA Today, tax receipts are off 34% from last year, this is devastating news. All of the deficit numbers and forecasts we've seen-that were bad enough as they were-are going to be much worse.
People under the age of 45 should be very, very pissed right now.
41
Hey asshat, you're one of those morons that would have preferred that Bush had done nothing and handed to Obama a 40 percent unemployment rate, right?
You right wing nutters are completely surrounded by a reality distortion field.
Anyway, its amazing that Biglaw associates will always find something to complain about, no matter how stupid. Why are these people so miserable?
Yeah 41, Obama is great for private businesses, with screwing over bondholders and stuff.
Do you have any idea what you're talking about? Why would any business, regardless of size, expand right now? More taxes, more regulation, more headache.
And this is fixing unemployment? Let me guess, you went to Yale...in the real world real people make real decisions, this isn't dipshit land.
Moron.
36: I heard it's mostly counsel and senior associates. What have you heard?
I don't have much sympathy for the bondholders. They knew that they were holding shit in a silk stocking when they bought bonds from companies that were literally brain dead. Seriously. GM? Why would anyone think that GM would be a good bond after seeing such crappy automobiles?
Sucks to be them but that's capitalism. You win some and you lose some.
44
These "bondholders" are primarily bottom fishers who bought at pennies on the dollar. The real victims are the pensioners who relied upon cradle to grave health care and the older union workers. They have their own issues, but its hard to see the bondholders as being victims. And they are generating losts of extra legal work in the true spirit of Jarndyce v Jarndyce
Senior associates in this economy are FUBAR. Where can they go?
Kind of hard to service student loans, expensive mortgage, and private schools on a salary from Mickey D's.
"The real victims are the pensioners who relied upon cradle to grave health care and the older union workers."
Again, the people who are scamming younger people (union and non-union)....God forbid that people that worked barely hard enough to sweat, had gold-plated benefits and could afford vacations and RVs are now suffering now that their kids and grandkids will never get out of debt to pay for their "benefits."
Wow. Who is posting here? If you don't understand what's going on, there's nothing I can say, the U.S. is broke, and its the baby boom/union mentality that did this. Stop listening to pepple that have a stake in younger generations going into more debt.
--44
I'm a second year who just got transitioned. Slower practice groiup
50
And where are YOU going to go?
44-
Do you really think that people in their seventies and eighties who worked hard for their entire lives and are now losing everything are not victims? That's what they bargained for.
47
Worked hard?
Have you been to an auto factory? Tedious, maybe. Hard, no. Hasn't been hard in decades
If you can drink a few beers at lunch and still do your job, its not hard work.
What milquetoast suburb did you grow up in? Scarsdale? Marin County?
Scarsdale Surprise, bitches!
50: So is WH firing attorneys for poor performance or is it doing economic-based layoffs (and not giving anyone severance)?
53:
"If you can drink a few beers at lunch and still do your job, its not hard work."
By that metric, you've excluded the vast majority of lawyers from being considered "hard" workers.
36: What does performance-related "transitions" mean?
I am at STB this summer. I started last Monday and have already been to 3 lunches and I am going to lunches the rest of the week. The memo is a giant loophole. Relax ATL.
Can someone please out the redacted writer? If it's the partner in charge of hring, seems a clear sign WH will not be hiring for a few years
"By that metric, you've excluded the vast majority of lawyers from being considered "hard" workers. "
Completely agree.
Most lawyers have shit benefits and no pensions, so why does Joey Stupefuck at UAW get those?
--53
Just want to say I enjoyed the brief shout-out by Kash and Elie to Jordan's Furniture - probably the only furniture chain anywhere to put IMAX theaters in their stores (replete with a subwoofer built into each Tempurpedic seat. Awesome. The animatronic Mardi Gras parade at one of their stores is pretty wild, too).
Boston-area attorney, not affiliated with Jordan's
First there was "law school hot" now we have "law firm funny"
I'm a Summer Associate without a full head of hair...guess no one's taking me to lunch. FML.
I'm a WilmerHale associate as well, and yes, I can confirm that Wilmer is doing "performance based" lay offs.
I can also confirm that it's pretty widespread.