Cox Smith Attorneys Have Three Times the Fun Doing Body Shots
On Monday, we reviewed the new website of Ballard Spahr. The firm rolled out a new name: it’s just Ballard Spahr LLP now, and not Ballard, Spahr, Andrews & Ingersoll LLP. While it shaved some names from its moniker, it upped its photo count: attorneys had to take two photos for their bios, a head shot and a full-body shot.
We created a poll and asked whether it’s acceptable for your firm to ask you to take a body shot for the website. Almost 70% of you said no.
But Ballard’s not the only firm making its attorney do body shots. Commenters on the Ballard thread pointed us to another firm that requires both body shots and a bit of acting.
They do it bigger and better in Texas. A San Antonio-based law firm, Cox Smith, makes its attorneys take three photos for their firm bio pages.
A selection of the Cox “triple threat” photos — along with reader-provided captions, some of them irreverent, so consider yourselves warned — after the jump.
ATL readers, thanks for bringing this to our attention, and doing the captioning work. Here are a few bios and photos from the Cox Smith’s People pages, along with captions provided by ATL readers. Please note that these captions are all provided in jest; they should not be construed as containing any factual allegations about the individuals depicted.
Check out this shareholder. Suggested captioning:
“hi” — “i can explain” — “calm down”
Check out this associate:
“Really? Those are the facts?” — “What are we going to do?” — “I might be reaching here, but I think you’re hosed.”
Photos and captions:
“I’m a shareholder” — “That means I crack the whip on juniors” — “Any questions?”
This is our favorite. Suggested captioning:
“…” - - “… ” — “What? No, I wasn’t sleeping! Do go on.”
Photos and captions:
“What, bitch? — “Ima cast a spell on your ass” — “Ha, just foolin’”
Since this associate’s wedding ring is on prominent display, these captions are probably far off the mark:
“Ok, first I look deep into her soul” — “Then I bust out a rap slash love sonnet, if you will” — “Often, I find myself following up with Styx’s ‘Mr. Roboto’”
Our only female selection:
“I’ve really got to toot.” — “Ohh… op… there it gooes!” —“I am innocent.”
Shareholder and captions:
“You’ve got one chance to get this goddamned waste of time right.” — “CHEESE!” —“Did you take the f***ing picture?”
There are many more, but we’ll end with this one:
“Secretaries were so easy back in the good old days.” — “Now they just file harassment suits against me.” — “I’d bend ‘em over my desk like this, give ‘em the ol’ Schenker schmeckel.”
Gavel bang: ATL readers. So if you were offended by any of these captions, you have only yourselves to blame. Thank you.
Earlier: Ballard Spahr Does Body Shots
(95) 
Comments
First bitchfaces
SECOND AGAIN BITCHES!
This post is AWESOME. Nice work, Kash.
I haven't been first since my SA position (where I was first all the time on every post) in which I was no offered, I wonder why?
-1
Wow, ATL must have nothing to post. This is the third reference to a law firm's photos since Monday and the second reference to this firm's photos. Someone should start doing their job. I know that this place likes to cater to law students and not practicing lawyers, but the Law Blog over at the WSJ has several recent posts about law students assisting with a terrorist's criminal defense.
Where are the bar results threads?
Shouldn't IL be coming out soon, I thought it was always Sept 30 / Oct 1.
5 - "[T]he Law Blog over at the WSJ has several recent posts about law students assisting with a terrorist's criminal defense....."
If I wanted to fall asleep, I would focus on this doc review project in front of me.
5 - Go to Law Blog to read substantive posts.
Congrats ATL! You have successfully crashed another law firm's website!
Those last THREE were all mine! I feel so honored to be recognized.
Thanks, Kash!
Now ATL is just poaching comments for stories. Weak people weak.
This is hilarious and exactly what I visit ATL for.
12 - I don't read the comments all the time (or even most of the time, ever since they made them hidden).
So I appreciate it when ATL does the work for me of collecting the worthwhile comments (and saving me from the "firsts" and other junk).
Only those who are morbidly obese, grotesque, or generally lacking in all self-confidence would be opposed to a fully body shot. If you are revolted by what you see in the mirror, stop eating unhealthy food and start receiving blepharoplasty.
The Cox Smith website has been taken down by Kash. Congratulations to you.
14 is a prick, but he's correct. if you are displeased with your weight, fix it.
kudos to 14 for good use of "blepharoplasty"
Weasel,
We took down Ballard Spahr's site yesterday too.
It might be interesting to see how many other big firm sites ATL can fark this week.
Back in July, ATL even took down the Davis Polk website:
http://abovethelaw.com/2009/07/davis_polk_website_makeover.php
Boies Schiller & Flexner has also been using three photos for each of its attorney profiles for quite some time now ... www.bsfllp.com
Money would have been better spent by BS and CS on bandwidth than on stupid poses that deserve ridicule.
Their marketing firms probably demonstrated success by coming up with some metric like click throughs that went up following the redesign. Surely they must know now that we're clicking the hell out of them, and not sending billable hours their way.
Check out real FULL BODY shots from this D.C. lobbying firm:
http://www.carmengroup.com/people/kerry-bankert
http://www.carmengroup.com/people/gerald-p-carmen
http://www.carmengroup.com/people/jazzmone-jackson
And WTF; she's also a boxer?:
http://www.carmengroup.com/people/colleen-gerg-ma-rd
Come on, y'all, it was all fun and games for a while, but consider the dead horse well-beaten.
Apparently there's more than one secretary bent over at Cox Smith. Unless Schenker shares his secretary with that other guy you mistakenly linked to.
22--Jazzmone couldn't afford an iron, apparently. She's just an executive assistant, so hopefully JaKe Emeritus will leave her alone.
This was the post of the week. Well done Kash.
Jerry Romaign Stamos, what do you think of Body Shots? PS, how's law school going?
I know that Mystal occasionally adds his voice to the comments. Does Kash? If I threatned to commit weasicide on this page, would she step in to stop me?
Partner Emeritus,
Regrettably, the furloughs imposed by the State of NY has affected Montauk's waste disposal employees - no doubt a sign of these turbulent economic times. As a result, I have mountains of garbage in my driveway from last weekends festivities. The refuse from the clam bake is starting to emit a rather foul odor.
Be a good chap and send Jake over. And as always, have your secretary send over the receipt for his LIRR ticket.
I haven't had this much fun since my daughter taught me how to dance like a robot!
Any word on the shellfish rumors about Kash?
As a pioneer of this profession and an old workhorse, I feel this firm committed elder abuse when it humiliated the older shareholders, particularly Judson Wood and Cecil Schenker. In the case of Jud, it is clear he suffers from narcolepsy and in the case of Cecil, he ostensibly is afflicted with epilepsy. CS junior management is probably trying to oust these elder partners by exposing their disabilities in a shameful manner. These photos are poor form and if I were a prospective client glancing at this firm's website, I would disqualify it from consideration based on how poorly it treats its elder shareholders. That is all.
This post is addressed to Commenter #29:
You blew your schtick on Day One: http://abovethelaw.com/2009/09/judicial_pay_follow-up.php?show=comments#comment-1242579
JE, why do you keep saying he blew his schtick? This suggests that PE has but one investment bank client. That doesn't sound very preeminent to me.
Not biglaw but check the attorney profiles of this firm: http://www.vwlawfirm.com/index.php. Make sure you check the "Meet _______" link on each attorney profile page. Hilarious!
ATL, this is the best post you've ever posted.
I love you,
Sheri
wow. if i can only inspire a siren on the drudge report my life will be complete.
"Client Emeritus" blew his schtick because he admitted to founding a preeminent investment management firm, not a preeminent peer investment management firm. Knowing that the firm at which my Father serves as partner--and at which I received an outstanding offer--never serves clients who are only preeminent, Client Emeritus's shtick is incogitable.
If you believe there is little or no difference between the two types of firms, then you clearly work for an outfit that falls into the former category.
Jake, just get your ass out to Montauk and dispose of the foul-smelling trash in my driveway.
OE Starnes is the leader heading into the clubhouse. Get ready for another site crash.
Client Emeritus -- your shtick not only is blown, it blows.
Hold the phone, Roy E. Davis may now be in the lead re: 35's link. Way better than Cox Smith.
@35
I don't see what is so hilarious. I guess finding humor in people having families and lives outside of a legal career is meant for only fucking douche bags such as yourself and the rest of the soul-sucking trolls on this site who would throw there grandmother under the bus if it would get them closer in line to blow some partner.
35, OMFG thank you so much for that laugh! You are right, "meet ______" is HIGHlarious!
CE's schtick isn't great. Not creative in the least, and he doesn't post very often, so he clearly lacks the commitment of PE and JE.....
But I do enjoy watching JE squirm.
This post is addressed to Commenter #45:
Demonstrating how someone's existence (Client Emeritus's) is fallacious is not squirming; rather, it is revealing another indigent masquerading as a person of consequence.
45 - Yes but anyone who has that kind of commitment to shtick on ATL must lead a pretty sad, lonely life.
Maybe the emeritus family needs some counseling.
35, lol, I think the naysayers are missing the photos you're referencing!
AGAIN: If you click on the attorney's name, scroll to the bottom and click "Meet so and so" , their picture suddenly transforms from suit and tie to spandex and helmet. No joke.
For example, Meet Jones:
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/jonesbyrd.php
hot: http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/suzannahplemmons.php
hotter: http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/suzannahplemmonsinfo.php
OMG, okay NOW i believe that the website/P.R. companies hired by these firms really are fu*king with them:
Check out this transition. Meet Jeff:
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/jeffdunlop.php
43 -- come on. some of the photos without families are pretty damn funny. and we're not laughing at these people. we're laughing at the absurdity of it all.
- not 35
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/larryharris.php
"By day, I'm a tax lawyer...
By night, I head out to the Manhole Biker Bar"
and the van winkle law website crashes in 3..2....
Nice leisure-suit: http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/albertsneed.php
Kash, how often do you have to "toot"?
Sexsquire
Anybody else dizzy?
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/philipsmith.php
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/jamesjohnson.php
"By day, I'm James Johnson, construction law attorney...
By night, I'm JACK Johnson, street performer trying to repay my loans. Any requests?"
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/craigjustusinfo.php
"During the week, I dress conservatively.
On the weekends, I dress like I'm playing in a woman's golf tournament."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/suzannahplemmons.php
"In the office, I dress professionally.
But in the bedroom, I enjoy role play."
I know this blog has a lot of reader turnover, particularly when the new batch of 1Ls comes aboard, but the Van Winkle website was beaten to death last year and is no longer funny. Just search for "Van Winkle." So you retards can quit posting links to Van Winkle profiles.
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/johnkelso.php
"People tell me I look young...
But I'm really having a midlife crisis."
ATL covered VW several months ago...
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/matthewkitchens.php
"Practicing law is new for me.
Most people know me from my staring role on Bassmasters"
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/carolineknox.php
"My smile suggest I am stable and that I'll be here for years...
But it's clear I'm about to have a mental breakdown."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/brianlavelle.php
"When I close my office door, people assume I'm at my desk, tending to client needs...
In reality, I use my desk to run an illegal business on the side."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/armisteadlong.php
"Contract law is fun during the week...
But I like to spend my weekends patrolling the southern border."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/markpinkston.php
"My wife says I need to get out of the office and spend time with the kids...
Unfortunately for them, my favorite kid is Billy."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/albertsneed.php
"I don't want to participate in this PR bullsh*t...
I'm seriously not playing your f*ucking games."
http://www.vwlawfirm.com/attorneys/oestarnes.php
"I've been dead for years; they just keep my limp body propped up...
Sometimes they like to play dress up."
27, I don't mind the body shots. I've had to do all sorts of body shots and head shots to get where I am today (Joe's Apartment, Kangaroo Jack, etc).
Law school is killing me though. Contracts makes no since. I keep getting Parole Evidence and Statue of Frauds confused.
Can anyone tell me if that stuff will actually be on the bar exam?
Kash has 15 more minutes to show up on this site before I pull the trigger.
If you like those websites, check out the guidos who work here:
http://www.beckham-group.com/
I rarely laugh when I'm reading this site.
I laughed today.
Good job.
This post has redeemed ATL
Goodbye cruel posters.
All the captions were great but the last one was the best.
72, check out Leesa Logan though...hot or lawyer hot?
on the Van Winkle website - are their heads just photoshopped in the "meet" pictures??
@77
Great call . . . .Think she'd be willing to move?
Maron Marvel also requires full body shots, which is funny, considering the awesome sexual harrasment lawsuit pending against it.
Maron Marvel also requires full body shots, which is funny, considering the awesome sexual harrasment lawsuit pending against it.
I thought all these firms were now just using one name for marketing purposes: e.g., Skadden, Wachtel. We should just refer to this firm as "Cox."
82 -- So if someone were a spokesman for the firm, they could be referred to as a "mouthpiece for Cox."
Van Winkle has been fully awoken and explored: http://abovethelaw.com/2008/07/adventures_in_lawyer_advertisi.php
what the f-
I had to get all the way to the "f"s before I saw the first woman, and they only have one brotha working there.
I realize law firms arent exactly the model of equality, but there have been pirate ships that are more integrated than this outfit....
I guess they have taken the ampersand out of their name. Now they are coxsmith. A wordsmith is someone who has a way with words. So a coxsmith is someone who has a way with ...
Best one from Texas is this one, and not cox smith: http://www.dgmlegal.com/inaction.htm
Line them up boys, get on your knees before the opposition and get ready to do...... whatever........
87,
I bet Abby was hot when she was at ASU back in the mid ninties.
Kash--
Your posts often seem to be about making fun of people. Let's see your picture and have a post about it. I bet we could come up with some great captions!
The Cox firm must be filled with the gays - the name says it all. There are about 5 women who work there and not one is even lawyer hot. The thing I like best about BigLaw is that they hire the best looking women at each law school regardless of class rank. It's the only thing that makes working with my dorky, nerdy colleagues even tolerable. This place is so high school I wish I could stuff most of my co-workers into a locker and steal their lunch money. The guys I work with make the dudes from Big Bang Theory look cool by comparison. Jesus, BigLaw really ought to re-think the strategy of only hiring dorks from the Ivy's - they may be smart but if clients only knew how inept most of these fuckers are they'd split for MidLaw even faster than they already have. The real reason most BigLaw litigators haven't argued a motion or taken a deposition by year 5 - you cannot put most of them in front of clients or in front of a jury or even an arbitration panel! When you can't match a tie to a white shirt and you wear tube socks with dress shoes, you cannot be put in front of clients. It explains why the power guys in our firm and others are all brass balls, polished, do-nothings - they let the service partners and grunts do all the work and take all the glory. Brilliant!
Speaking of the Big Bang Theory and good looks, am I the only one on this site with salacious thoughts about one Kash Hill?
Well... that fits into the stereotype that all attorneys are shallow, self-absorbed, superficial, and bigots. Oh, and idiots.
89 -
Quit your whining. Wah...
92 = Kash
Jerry @ #70, I was making a reference to your Oscar-worthy performance in 1999's "Body Shots." That movie changed my life, man.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0172627/
Your biggest fan,
27
That's pretty funny. The Jake Emeritus fellow claims he works hard yet he had to snuggle up to daddy in bed just to get an offer from his father's law firm.
Either the guy is a great troll, or he is seriously delusional and only was 1 penis away from being another peon.