#! - on the floor!!

lol, firing a dude for peeing on the floor?!

This is the best post this site has ever had.

FITFTH

Sounds like this non-peer firm needs to have a full-time plumber on staff instead of looking for scapegoats.

I regularly go back up to the office after a night at the bar with the boys to get my briefcase. On a number of those ocassions it has been hard for me to hit the correct spot on the urinals, and even make it to the bathroom on ocassion.

HAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA

So THIS is why I had to write that memo on hidden bathroom cameras this past summer...

This would never be a problem at my firm as we hire the help to scrub down the lavatories. Incidentally, I will occassionally drop a few quarters in the urinal to see if the help will fish them out.

Suggestion: Create two ATL sites. One for the big boys and another - Junior ATL - for small firms in small cities. Hate to sound like a snob, but I don't come to this site for stories about some firm I've never heard of. The new site could be called Below the Law or Below Above the Law.

I'm having my bathroom remodeled and was considering a Toto toilet. PE, do you find that it help with 'roids?

Am I the only who is troubled that they have security cameras trained on the bathroom. (Inside or outside?)

Staff or attorney (like we have to ask, but still)?

I agree with 4. This post was amazing.

I found this post to be very arousing. Call me crazy.

Comment #10 was my post, accidentially posted as "guest." My apologies--I frequently need to clear my internet browsing history and cache in order to avert undue attention to certain sites that I frequent. The original post is below for your enjoyment:

"This would never be a problem at my firm as we hire the help to scrub down the lavatories. Incidentally, I will occassionally drop a few quarters in the urinal to see if the help will fish them out."

I would love to work at a place where I am monitored and questioned about my bathroom usage based on security cameras that can spot when and for how long I was in the ladies room.

Classy!!!! Especially if no one will own up to it, I would love to be the one suspected of it if someone else just lies. How the hell can you prove that and fire them based on it. Awesome!!!

Priceless. The job is shit. The market is shit. And this schmuck is sending formwide emails about shit.

Sounds like it's time to take a dump in a urinal!

They can then have the "biological evidence" DNA tested!

Hey Bob Zuber, I'll take a job as you night Ladies Room Watchmen for $23 an hour, and for good measure, after every shift I'll come to your office and kick you in the nuts. How's that sound. Good?

He insinuates that the person on 41 was let go for spraying on the toilet. Did this woman have OCDC perhaps and was afraid to sit on the seat in fear of germs (some with this disorder do not think the paper protecter counts) or could this person have a knee injury and is not comfortable sitting all the way down and then having to get up or do they think someone is doing this for fun? Can you fire someone for poor aim without warning?

oh piss

6 and 17 take the cake.

Perhaps the first guy that got fired was wrongly targeted. He's the Richard Jewell of peeing.

Charlie Weis strikes again!

Comment removed by moderator.

@17, hah, as soon as I read #10 I thought, "This has JaKe Emeritus written all over it."

I'm amazed no one's thought of this yet, but we now have indisputable proof that Shephard Mullen is clearly TTT.

How the hell does a lady pee on 2 toilets when they are located in separate stalls?

@ 22

Per the story, the urine was found on two seats. That's intentional.

30 - Talent.

Finally -- a post worthy of ATL

I guess I'm missing something here. Do they suspect that a man was sneaking in to the women's restroom and peeing everything, or do they suspect that a woman is doing it? How do they have two people doing this? Maybe they fired the wrong person.

180!

Security cameras monitoring who goes to the bathroom when? Really?

How does one firm have 2 intentional toilet pissers. The odds are astronomically against this. I bet the first person was fired for absolutely no reason and falsely accused.

I'd hate for "suspected floor-shitter" to be in my file during my review.

Sounds like someone at teh firm is creatively expressing the fact that they are pissed-off about the firm.

Oh, and 14, you're right it HAS to be an attorney. If it was staff, the paperwork would have been done correctly.

Wow, I have to say that this is the best story since the Acela incident.

Jake Emeritus stole my post.

-- the real 10

I suspect the terminated person will sue the firm and cite to the Americans with Disabilities Act because he/she had an uncontrollable bladder that was known to the firm. And, I am sure some unemployed hack will take the case too...on contingency no less.

2L's, steer clear of this urine-soaked hell hole.

"How do they have two people doing this? Maybe they fired the wrong person."

Or maybe it's the similarly-inclined brother of the fired employee. Shamed by the firing of his brother and soul-mate, he vowed to attend law school under an assumed name, secure employment at Sheppard Mullin and strike a blow for family honor.

If women are incapable of managing the complex act of urination, why would anyone ever assume they are capable of managing complex litigation?

19 - Actually you are scatagorically incorrect. No poop just pee.

29 = WIN

I propose that anyone who still has a job at BIGLAW show their solidarity with their laid off brethren by pissing on ladies toilet seats. Fight the power.

19 - Actually you are scatagorically incorrect. No poop just pee.

At my job, I constantly call the managing male partner to let him know if the ladies room is not up to par. If you were not aware that this is standard lawfirm practice, you should not be practicing law.

@ 31 from 22 - we know that on 42 there were two seats involved, Zuber says "similar" for 41 but we can't be sure he means two seats were always sprayed. Perhaps he should have had an attorney review this before it went out - for many, many, many reasons.

ATL is on a roll today,

the poopetrator stikes again.

38 - nice. That gave me a pretty good chuckle.

I work at Sheppard and I just misjudged a fart. I'm wearing khakis, too. Should I be worried?

"38, You're like the thief who isn't the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he's going to jail."

a female partner MUST have used the bathroom within that 2 hour period, do you think they seriously questioned a female partner about whether or not she peed on the seat or on the floor?!?

what kind of shitshow lawfirm are they running over there?

55 - Isn't that what we call a shart?

TTToilet

As I text this from my smartphone, I am urinating on the toilet seats in the ladies room of my unnamed NYC BIGLAW firm. Ahh. I feel most relieved at this moment.

38 easily wins this thread. Jake and Partner E suck each others balls within the comments, it's really pathetic at this point guys.

Comment removed by moderator.

Potty puddles are definitely NOT helpful for those of us who have wide stances...

I can see it now:

Zuber: Yolanda, we know it was you who pissed on the toilet seats. Just come clean.

Yolanda: Oh no you di---ent!

Zuber: Yolanda, you're only making it hard on yourself. We could tell from the consistency of the urine that it was you. You were the only person who had V-8 that day. You must know that Sheppard Mullen simply cannot condone its employees going around and urinating on toilet seats.

Yolanda: Hey Fuck you Zuba. I got irritable bowels. Whe's my lawya at?

That e-mail is ALMOST as funny as 108 here (http://abovethelaw.com/2009/09/nationwide_layoff_watch_kirkla_1.php?show=comments#comments). Almost.

Dude, it's *lunchtime*. Did you really need to post this story now?

This happens all the time in women's rest rooms all over Boston.

65 - Yeah, 108 was pretty good. And I agree, it's even better than this one. But I'm not sure if 108 is real though.

haha...17 wins, followed closely by 42.

64 I just shot day old coffee out of my nose....lol.

btw, who's in charge of graphics at ATL, Elie?

68

I don't think 108 was real. But damn, damn funny. And to be honest, it wasn't what happened that was funny, it was the story-telling of the event.

This however is pathetic. I think 7th-graders have better pissing etiquette than the pee-ons at this firm.

65

"Did somebody piss on the floor again?"

- Repo Man

At my old firm (there one where I worked before I was canned), we had maintenance staff checking the restrooms every hour: refreshing the paper towels, wiping down the counter, and stocking TP.

At my new firm, I'm lucky when I don't have to go to the storage cabinet myself to get the extra TP.

OMG, I AM LITERALLY SH*TTING AND P*SSING ALL OVER MYSELF FROM READING THIS POST!!!! WELL DONE ATL. WELL DONE!!!! OH, AND 18, brillaint comment.

Great day!

Reminds me of SMU.
3 day old SMU.
SMU.

Piss on the ladies' room seats is a chronic problem, ask any woman. I would bet money that this was not intentional, however. Pissed-upon seats are chronic ladies' room problems because most women are pampered princesses who wouldn't dare let their royal heinies touch the seat (not sure what they're afraid of, considering most of them don't mind whoring it up in cabo over spring break and bringing back chlamydia, but nevermind). Therefore, many women like to squat to pee. As you might imagine, becase women cannot control the direction of their urine flow, piss sprays all over the seat. and sometimes the floor. Now, your better breed of woman will wipe her own mess up before exiting the stall, but this is a law firm we are talking about. As far as the act that was "even more disgusting", my guess is it was menstrual blood. Dudes might not realize this, but when a woman on the rag pisses, blood often leaks into the toilet from her vag. So, for the women who squat to piss, you will often get menstrual blood drops as well as urine drops. Disgusting, yes, but seriously, it's really common.

This story has nothing to do with Mystal's leaking moobs.

At my old firm, I used to latham on the seat all the time. It was no big deal.

I recommend the firm lock down the ladies room and just distribute pampers, preferably with the firm name located on the waistband to promote the business as well as keep the ladies room clean.

I also LOVE the person who forwarded this email!

Comment removed by moderator.

Kash

dont try to get away with this at ATL. They will know it was you.

Comment removed by moderator.

76 = well done.

This shit is very funny to me.

Poll question: rather this than a presser about layoffs?

I am pretty sure the culprit here is Lat, and not Kash.

55 - Not at all. Cow patterns are very "in" this season.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R0_bMnFVAFk

I would rather work at a non-pee-er firm

Comment removed by moderator.

76 - way too much detail.

88 -- OMG! That's fucking harsh!

76 was obviously written by a very disturbed male who probably has one of those "pee on me during sex" video obsessions.

I also bet he tells a lady in a whole to put the lotion on the skin or else she'll get the hose again.

Hmmmm... (me, stroking chin, smoking pipe, wearing the sherlock hat)

I conclude that the perp was NOT a female, and that the fired employee was a MALE with a peepee fetish. What say you, Watson? Who's with me?

I agree with the theories regarding not wanting to touch the seat. Is it discourteous to leave a mess - sure. Is it an act of bioterrorism like the firm is treating it - definitely not. Place this is in the category of extreme over reaction. Hope the executive director had a female representative from HR with him before he started interrogating female employees about their urination habits. What a loon.

Sometimes I wish I was a women's toilet.

PE

Please remove 80 moderators. Bad taste.

76 - you just ruined my arousal. man, womens is poisons. 16

93, you're one of the squatters who doesn't wipe the seat. I hope all of you go to a personal hell when you die where you are forced to sit in other's urine for eternity. Just sit on the fucking seat. You can cover it with toilet paper. To not do so is simply lazy and creates an unsanitary area for everyone.

LOL @ all the 28-year-old virgins expressing horror at 76's breakdown of female bodily functions. Live with a woman sometime.

98,

do you live with a woman who lets you see the toilet after she pisses? She sounds like a hot, classy winner to me!!!

OMFG, this is awesome coffee break material!

What is 6.9?

It's a sixty-nine ruined by a period!

Toilets are for sissies.

Heterosexual athlete lawyer.

When Elie was younger he could never get it in the toilet, he always used to pee everywhere but in the actual bowl. All the kids used to call him "The Amityville Horror" because it would take hours to clean up after him. That is part of the reason why I had to buy a second house in Houston, TX.

80 -- Really? She looks cute in her picture on the website.

89 simply cannot handle the truth.

104 -- law school cute =/= LA cute.

“That person is no longer with the Firm.”

This is exactly like that southpark episode with the “copycat copycat killer” where the cops kept on arresting the wrong people for the ongoing murders.

80 - Do update the baord as to the progression of the meeting with respect to the identification of the defecator.

80,

she's a hottie. i'd totally let her shower me with her warm nectar.

its the yalie women - if any joined this firm

anonymous lawyer posted about this

http://anonymouslawyer.blogspot.com/2009/09/above-law-leaked-memo-from-sheppard.html

Alston & Bird (NY) has long had similar problems. Pee on the floor under the urinals in men's room, poop on the seats (and even walls!) in both men's and ladies' rooms.

One woman flushed her underwear down the commode for whatever reason, and a plumber had to correct the resulting backup. Another tried to dry wet underwear in the kitchen microwave early one morning, which left an odiferous cloud in the office (and shorted out the microwave).

From the way I hear people clicking away on their Blackberries and/or talking on the cell while in the stalls pooping, I will NEVER pick up one of these devices if not my own!

Please remove 80 - joke or not, no one's name should be dragged into this.

Is this concrete proof that some women pee standing up?

This just illustrates the vast gender gap between men's and women's toilets. Pee on a seat in a woman's bathroom leads to a firmwide investigation and people losing their jobs. Pee on a seat in ANY men's room is par for the course.

I once excused myself from a depo prep session at Skadden NY and puked all over the 37th floor bathroom (stomach flu). There was puke covering, literally, 40% of the bathroom stall and filling one sink. After I was done, I walked over to reception and told the receptionist that the bathroom needed to be serviced.

My swagger is Mick Jagger.

- 43rd Floor Miscreant

115

Go back to munching on your lesbian lover's rug.

And just so we're clear, I'm not talking about the "good" kind of lesbian.

When the culprit is uncovered please be sure to forward her phone number to me.

R. Kelly

Sheppard is certainly preeminent pee law firm

It is apparently inaccurate to call Sheppard a piss poor firm. They have plenty of it. But if 80 is correct, it is definately a shitty firm.

120-

You mean pee-eminent law firm.

This is 76. I am a woman. I'm just fucking sick of other women who won't just sit the fuck down like a normal human or, at the very least, wipe off their own piss. But like I said, this problem is widespread in women's restrooms.
However, I am unclear on why it merits an "investigation." I'm telling you, probably 70% of women think nothing of pissing all over the seat, so it's not like this firm will be rooting out the problem unless they fire all the women.

Sounds like something lifeat160 did...

the firm has had TWO people do this? What the hell is in the water at that firm??

I usually shit in the sink and wash my face in the toilet.

SkaddenDC associate

43 - I object to the phrase "urine-soaked hell hole" when you could have easily said "peepee-soaked heck hole"

I would file a complaint if the men's room seat at my firm was NOT covered in piss.

I've just been informed that immediately after hearing the bad news at Kirkland, a young associate retaliated by executing an upper-decker to perfection in the partners-only john.

122 - You're right, pee-eminant pee' law firm

- 120

By the way it's FUCKING CREEPY that this guy reviewed video of everyone who went into the bathroom for two hours. Jesus, what a horrible work environment.

131: totally agree. ew,

129, how does one execute an upper-decker in a public lavatory? Is the partner's washroom at Kirkland so TTT that the toilets actually have tanks?

- Guy Who Thinks 129 Is Only Joshing

123/76,

You are soooooo classy. 76 was written more graphically and disgustingly than necessary. You are absolutely a disgusting shame to all females.

11, you are pathetic and your post is most appropriate under the topic of shi#

the world does not revolve around BigLaw

119 - I love you

134 = princess who sprays piss every which way

That's a orwellian work environment. Law firms have become the pink collar hell.

136, fat bitch with giant bush who talks about menstrual blood mixed with piss.

Enjoy your banning 138

Thanks for playing

not 136

God Bless 76 for opening my eyes to the problem of female squatters.

Wait. You think the carpet-pissers did this?

133

Yes they have tanks. Did you think we would shit in holes dug to fall on the firm below us like they do in WashingTTTon?

139 = 136 = makes no freakin sense.

138

agreed, as most--if not all--women who post here are very unlikely to have ever been called (a) attractive, (b) beautiful, or (c) fuckable . . . even if it means you get to pee on them.

Great reference, 63!

What is # 88 referring to?

141 - excellent reference.

Guys at my high school used to piss on the seats and floor all the time. We called it the "helicopter."

148 - fail; left off punch line.

Menstrual blood.

Periods.

Tampons.

Boogaboogabooga!!!

The mad dumper.

At least these associates aren't so chained to their desks that they can't engage in water sports every now and then.

126 cracked me up for some reason. Nice one!

Kirkland is far too egalitarian to have partners-only washrooms.

I posted the comment 80.

It is still very tense here in LA office. The person of interest mentioned in comment 80 (Deleted by moderator) is still very much suspect. She has been in to office administrator's office at least 4 times since morning.

Her secretary has told me that they have already started taking work from her table and started assigning to 2nd yrs.

She is been upset for last few weeks after breaking up with her Asian boyfriend, who also works in our firm but in the nor cal office.

Comment removed by moderator.

LOL 150. It is hilarious to read so many virginal male posters on here get upset about a comment regarding pee and menstrual blood. Obviously none of you precious little creeps have had girlfriends. This happens aaaaaaaaall the time in women's restrooms.

WTF you guys, this entire conversation is disgusting. I do NOT ever want think about women's biological functions. My GF is wonderful and only goes to the bathroom when I'm not aware she did, and I've never heard any functions going on in the two years we've been together. As far as I know, she does NOT go to the bathroom, except for a sexy shower.

he spent TWO HOURS reviewing security tapes? then he interviewed everyone who showed up on the tapes? sounds like someone wants to be sherlock.

158 -- I'm a girl and I just farted pretty hard. I think it might've been a shart. Now I have to wait for everyone else to leave the office so I can go home.

The worst part is I just got my period this morning too, which always gives me a lil' bit of the runs. Boy am I glad I didn't wear white pants today. My tampon feels like it might be slipping out because it's soaked but I can't make it to the bathroom until everyone leaves... gaaahhhh

160 = so hot. when did this become a porn site?

If you sprinkle when you tinkle,
Be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.

Sounds like gender discrimination - I bet you'd find urine on the men's room floor 100% of the time and he doesn't go hunting for the perps.

162:

It's "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat."

POETRY FAIL

164 - it's not a poem. It's a sign businesses put on the stall doors - that's how common peeing on the seat is

Shouldn't it be urinator? Or urinatrix?

This is my new favorite ABTL post.
More potty stories please.

This gives new meaning to the term "pissed off."

I don't know who is the bigger douche, the gal who pissed all over the place, the idiot who watched hours of security tapes and sent an email to the entire office, or the person who forwarded the email to Above the Law.

We need a poll.

On a related note, its a good thing my firm can afford people to clean the restrooms so we never know about political pissers. To my knowledge no one at my office is pissed off.

this post is the funniest shit ever. pun intended.

If i worked at a firm that videotaped the bathrooms, I'd be very uncomfortable.

What else is being videotaped? Would anyone with any real options tolerate this bullshit?

160: It's the worst when menstrual blood dries up and crusts in your pubic hair.

This is more proof that women don't belong in the workplace.

155/80 -

That person does not even work in the LA office you douchebag. WTF is your problem?

Shitlock Holmes

Problem solved:
http://www.go-girl.com/what-is-gogirl.asp

IRON MAIDEN!

I work at Kirkland. Any chance one can catch HERPES from urine left on a toilet?

I never pissed on the floor at PH every day. Nope, never.

Maybe she was "pissed" at Sheppard's proposed upcoming changes to associate salaries.

76/123 FTW. This has pissed me off for years. I hate you, princess squatters! And I don't care if you have OCD - you can't be afraid of your own pee. Wipe it up already!

Princess Squatter would make a great Native American superhero name.

I think Bob Zuber is a perp and just wants to go into the ladies room. He probably pulls out his haz mat gear and pretends to be a member of CSI.

Has anyone at the firm done any defense or plaintiff work on these types of cases? Are they positive its urine? How does it smell? What color? Quantity? Spray pattern? Any pubic hairs to be examined? color, long, short, coarse, curly?

Sheppard could start a new practice group, and jump start the firms new growth cycle. Looks like they have past case history on there side.