Commando the only way to go!

The case should be dismissed. Hawaiian sand is smooth as silk and could never cause those injuries.

Mine is always protruding.

I think the axial point of this case is whether or not he knew of "No Fly Zone" briefs when he dressed for the day.

@1

Are you what PE uses after his visits to Rick's to release his tension?

I once lost a similar lawsuit, which I filed against a custom manufacturer of animal print lycra stage tights.

I'f you've ever taken an armadillo and rubbed its little noggin raw, you have an idea of what I saw when I peeked beneath my waistband after a long show and encores.

excellent writing Elie. I laughed out loud.

Another reason when people ask what I do for a living I tell them I write patents. Telling people you're a lawyer is embarrassing.

I find it ironic that although he won the trip by selling $20k worth of diet products, he still can't see his one-eyed monster because he is a "belly-man".

We have to fix this guy up with the female law student who made the posting on craigslist looking for a hookup.

Excellent post, Elie, one of your best ever.
I think your personal reflections on being a person of girth added to the humor.

Also, I second 8's comment. Great writing, Elie.

"If I’m on vacation and my wang hurts, it is going to ruin my wife’s vacation too. That is a promise I made to myself and my wife in front of God."

That line nearly made me spit out my Lilt.

haha
I'm glad you weren't able to find the video

Agreed, good work Elie. Keep it up.

Case dismissed pursuant to the doctrine of "eww, you disgusting old man, no one wants to hear about that."

Also, agreed with Elie's expressions of skepticism. What's the word for that? Failure to mitigate damages?

Hey Mr. Freed, did it ever occur to you to wash off the sand? Moreover, it sounds like you were wearing underwear beneath your swimsuit, which is totally lame. Either way, you lose the lawsuit and deserve the award for biggest douchebag plaintiff.

I once bought boxer briefs where the fly "containment" was defective and my junk kept sneaking out, and when wearing other, non-abrating clothes (pants or shorts) the sensation was not different enough to be immediately noticeable. But when wearing something not as soft, I figured out there was a problem. Having had a similar experience, the plaintiff's story sounds plausible to me (I don't remember the brand, though), and suggests maybe the plaintiff didn't have the right expert.

This is one of Elie's better posts. Well done, Elie.

The judge has also shown up Elie's writing skills: "the plaintiff shall recover nothing from defendant who shall go hence without day." So Elie, you're doing alright.

And...I'm sorry. Not even The Plebe can go so far as to allow a suit of this kind.

Please post the Daubert examination of this expert witness. How does one become an expert in horizontal penis tension?

Maybe the fact that I have to ask in the first place explains why I'll probably stay home tonight and eat Oreos in front of the TV.

Still, inquiring minds and aching penises alike want to know.

I think this is all a cover up for the 'self-chaffing' he gave his little buddy while in Hawaii.
His wife must have said, "you didn't get that from me, what the---?"
His response, "uh...my underwear did it."
The lawsuit was merely to demonstrate his commitment to innocence. Nice try. Still groddy...

heehee, and his name is 'freed'

second funniest post of the week, just behind smu

Agree with 20. Aren't all men really experts in horizontal penis tension? I mean, it either hangs to the left or the right.

Elie, it's difficult to be comfortable sometimes when your penis is being pressed against clothing. No one would expect you to understand.

OF COURSE this law suit happened in Florida. An entire state of wack jobs down there.

yes Florida DOES have all the wackos (and pediphilers (sp??))

- hilarious -

I laughed out loud reading this. Funniest thing I've seen in a while. Loved your comments, Elie.

http://www.plaxo.com/directory/profile/227633414044/00bc4b87/Albert/Freed

Hey 18-

How do we know it wasn't your penis which was defective? And even if it wasn't that, is this really a meritorious claim?

-Penis Secure

2 points: 1) if you, for some odd reason, choose to wear your briefs into the ocean, do you not change them before walking all over the place? it seems like having something wet and salt-encrusted on your junk is sort of begging for a good chafe. 2) there is no indication that he went swimming more than once, yet the irritation resulted from several days of walking around. perhaps a change of drawers might have mitigated damages...?

Guys in my high school used to . . . nope. Not on this one. Not even once.

31- you are definitely capital G-A-Y. you should see if 18 wants to go out with you.

34-

You have a small johnson.

-Penis Secure

I can't decide who is the bigger douche here, Mr. Freed or the lawyer who filed this shitlaw suit for him. Probably the TTT lawyer.

18/34--maybe TMI, but no reason to think I am defective as the thousands of other underpants I have worn seemed to "uphold the standard of care" just fine. I'm not arguing the plaintiff's case has merit, just that in my experience its plausible underwear can be defective in the way the plaintiff claims, and the defect could possibly result in injury under certain circumstances. Whether plaintiff's claimed circumstances are reasonable or credible is an entirely different question.

"chaffing"? "sneak a peak"?

34-

You have a small johnson.

-Penis Secure

34 -- you are definitely S-T-U-P-I-D. You could ask someone to go out with you, but he or she would just say no anyway, so don't bother.

Best post from Mystal in quite a while. Congrats!

Also, 31 - lol

I always pursue my quarry in the nude to avoid such issues.
Of course, I have no problem seeing what's going on down there anyway, due to a certain anatomical ratio.

*packs an 11wt.*

You know what would solve this problem? Foreskin. Slicing off 20% of the skin of every American male penis is unethical and cruel, and leads to the waste of valuable court resources as seen here. C'mon trial lawyers, its class action time!!

Awesome opinion:

"Plaintiff testified he was able to A 'solve the mystery' . . ."

". . . while comparing it with similar briefs made by other MANUFACTURERS . . ."

-1L definitely secure in 2012.

This guy is with his wife in Hawaii, his penis is inured, and his complaint is that he cannot "walk"?

Obviously he did not notice the penal sand blasting for the first few days because his penis is dead and incapable of any sensation whatsoever.

Why did the judge not ask if this man's penis was outside the normal average and therefore not suited to these particular undergarments? Defective penises are the scourge of this great nation.

-Penis Secure

Wait a minute; he can't pull his flab back to check, he "wouldn't" look in a mirror, but he posted video of his chafed member on the internet?!?

45-

I believe you mean "penile" not "penal."

-Penis Secure

I had a couple LOLs there; nice work, Elie.

Where is PE to discuss how the jury would obviously dismiss this case on cause (of action)?

Funniest post I've ever read. I was laughing out loud at my desk.

I think your starting to come into your own.

I feel freed, when I go commando in court.

well played 52

seriously... salt water, abraided penis... OUCH

seriously... salt water, abraided penis... OUCH

43, there could be a class action the other way, also. Circumcision has been shown to reduce the risks of both penile cancer and HIV transmission. So any uncircumcised male who contracts either condition in the future should sue his parents.

hilarious!

OMFG, you made me spill my coffee! This is awesome coffee break material. Excellent writing, excellent comments. Keep up the good work, Elie.

Why, without even looking at where this was filed, did I have a feeling it was in Florida?

Bravo Elie. Well written and this line verged on brilliant: "* If I’m on vacation and my wang hurts, it is going to ruin my wife’s vacation too. That is a promise I made to myself and my wife in front of God."

@ 22. I also chuckled at the guy's name.

A man goes to his doctor complaining about horrible headaches. The doctor tries all the usual rememdies but nothing works. The doctor tells the man that there is one last thing he can try and that’s having his testicles removed. Relucant as the man is about this done his headaches are killing him and he agrees to go along with the operation. A month later the guy decides to go out and buy a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. He goes into an exclusive men’s shop and tell the guy what he wants. So the clerk looks at him and says “You wear a size 16 shirt”. The guys says yeah. Then the clerk says “you wear a size 34W 32L pants”. The guy is surprised by how accurate the clerk is. He then suggests a size 12 1/2 shoe. The guy is just amazed at how accurate this clerk is. The clerk then suggests new underwear and tells the guy he wears a size medium. The guy laughs and says “I got you there. I wear a size small.” The clerk answers “No you wear a medium. If you wore a size small you get horrible headaches.”

With respect to Elie's comment:

"It has never occurred to me that there could be a penis problem that I wouldn’t assess."

Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass on it.

It is 2:34 pm. Do you know where your penis is?

56, not so. There have been no tangible studies linking any type of cancer to circumcision. If you have proof of that please post it. Being one of the lucky few to escape the knife as a baby, I'd love to see such info.

As for the bit about HIV infection, the study you're talking about was done in sub-saharan africa where HIV is highly prevalent and good hygiene is not common. If we all lived in huts without running water, you'd have a point, but we don't. Reality is other studies done in the US and Europe have found no tangible difference in HIV infection rates when comparing men with and without circumcisions.

There is absolutely no reason for routine circumcision, not in the US, nor in Europe. The only time it needs to be done is when the skin is overly tight or malformed, which happens in a very small percentage of men. Even then in European countries when such a procedure is employed only the minimum amount needed to correct the issue is removed.

As for the case, it doesn't sound like he wasn't aware his peter was having issues. In fact, it sounds like he explicitly avoided examining it himself, telling his wife, and/or taking action to correct the issue. That's like using a knife with a sharp handle, cutting yourself, and deciding to keep using it because you want to get something done... then trying to sue the manufacturer because it sliced your hand off. If you didn't stop using the product when you first noticed it, you've waived their responsibility to further damage caused. Had he changed things out, and/or addressed it and still had issues, MAYBE he could have had a claim. But given what we already know, it sounds like the judge was right to toss it (so to speak...)

Free Your Willy.

I have not owned or worn a pair of underwear since 1983. The only reason guys need underwear is because they don't know how to properly wipe their ass.

Guys at my high school irritated their penis all the time. It was no big deal.

But if he were to spill hot coffee on his junk, he'd be rich.

Elie, this was awesome.

Crying that was so funny. . .

When my ding-a-ling-a-ding-dong sneaks out of my underwear, even part way, the whole beach is going to know. I don't have a problem with it jumping through the breach in tighty whities, but sometimes it hangs out past the bottom of boxers or swim trunks.

Let me be clear. Under my administration's health care plan, your penis will never chafe.

67,

What is the proper way to wipe one's ass? I must have been sick the day they taught that in school.

I duct-tape my schlong to the inside of my right leg to keep it from popping out of the shorts.

I avoid the sand, but not the painful chaffing.

Having your little cheney poke through the Y fronts is like when you toe pokes through the sock, you know it, unless his wife has been putting Novacaine in the Vaseline.

74, Like washing a car, pay someone to do it for you

I grew up in Hawaii - it ain't sand - it's just swim trunks rash and it usually happens in the groin between the upper thigh and balls/taint region. If this guy got it on his wang he must be massively endowed and did not position it correctly. His fault, besides, no one in Hawaii wears underwear under their swim shorts for the exact reason - to lessen the probability of a rash.

Elie, the judge should have immediately dismissed this suit. There is no way that this could have occurred after going into the ocean due to shrinkage!

http://funnyvideooftheday.blogspot.com/2006/04/seinfeld-shrinkage-episode.html

He should wear his wife's underwear. It works for me.

Protruding? Was it dragging in the sand?

I'm pretty sure THAT would cause "chaffing".

Hmmmmmm. Information he is not willing to share with his wife. With a lawyer, judge and jury? Sure!

I would guess he cheated on his wife, something happened and he's going to all lengths to make up a story

I'm normally a bit of an Elie-skeptic, but this post was fucking hilarious. I'm still laughing. When Elie channels the worldview of Lat--bawdy, irreverent, and cynical, but not some sort of idiot leftwinger--he can actually be really good writer.

How bloody absurd to sue a company because the underwear they manufacture doesn't fit. How ridiculous. This is just beyond the pale. Good lord man, if you are that well endowed don't hide behind a bushel basket should you have a similar problem again. Have you wife do an appropriate examination to prevent further injury. Perhaps a special tailor-made pair of undies would be more comfortable. Further, an effective weight loss programme would be helpful.

I hope, at the very least, there was a Motion to Enlarge Plaintiff's Brief[s] filed in this matter.

I wonder if I can get retroactive restitution for the heightened nipple-sensitivity I suffered as a child as a result of riding an inflatable raft in the ocean all summer long! I should sue the raft manufacturers because those babies would become RAW! hahaha

For all you guessing at Freed's endowment -- I think you got it all wrong. It is not chaffed because it is huge -- it is chaffed because it is stubby and it sticks straight out like a thumb! That's why the head popped out and got rubbed the wrong way (literally). If it were long, it would have stayed inside the fly and been pulled downward by gravity......... Or maybe he was the victim of SHRINKAGE! Either way, the knob was not so much "polished" as "abraded".

Answer for 20. To be an expert in horizontal tension, become a prostitute. Wait, I thought that is what they call some ......