Damn! I'll never get Firsties!

These new laws that restrict drivers from using cell phones (handless or otherwise) thankfully do not affect me, as I have a steward who chauffeurs me from locale to locale.

Fourthy McFourty!

Bartlet for America.

"Driving while not being able to speak English is not a crime"--yea, it might not be a "Crime" but if you have ever jumped, late, into a taxi with a linguistically impaired driver, you would agree that it is "criminal" none-the-less.

(Frantic turn-by-turn hand signals by frightened cab-passengers are not amusing, nor is the behavior of a non-English speaking driver who has (obviously) never driven on the freeway before, as evinced, in part, by taking a two lane tunnel dead center.)

A certain Winston & Strawn associate in Chicago went to a Halloween party in blackface a couple years back. Think that will turn out to haunt him?

Elie

Upon consultation with my fellow partners, the law firm of Lipton, Andrews, Rosen, Drew, Anzivar, Shultz, and Simmons would like to offer you an associate position at our prestigious firm. We have discussed it thoroughly, and we think that you are perfect LARDASS material.

Hey liberal: It's not Christians or Republicans trying to impose blasphemy laws. It's Muslims. And they are being supported by liberal Democrat Obama.

Don't Mess with Texas

10, ditto

7,

Wow, can you imagine people's faces.

I told Scalia we should dress up as Cleopatra and Mark Antony. He told me to stop drinking sangria in the chambers.

Like many others, I didn't start visiting this site until the tsunami of layoffs. Out of curiosity, can someone please tell me if it was as big a waste of time before the layoffs as it is after?

Elie, don't tell me you're packing heat in the office.

8 ftw

14 --

We're in a transition. Before layoffs there was the constant excitement of bonus season, rumors about pay raises, long stories about firm perks, etc.

We went from boom to bust overnight but have now entered a long period of anemic growth and boring ATL stories.

none of these posts discuss the plight of my fellow T-10 2L's, please don't forget us elie.

*solemnly lights a vigil candle*

-nervous T-10 2L

"Note to traffic cops: driving while not being able to speak English is not a crime. Not even in Texas."

Or, if you had bothered to read the article, Mr. oh-so-competent Editor-in-Chief, you would see that it actually is a crime, but it's a federal one applying to commercial drivers. So, you were saying?

But, 19, as Elie's post and the article itself were clearly concerned with regular private, non-commercial driving, Elie's note is entirely appropriate. It was about local cops pulling over non-commercial drivers and citing them for not speaking English. There is no law against not speaking English in the scenario the article was actually about.

IF THERE ISN'T A LAW, there certainly should be. I would never think myself qualified to drive in Japan -- how could I know the sign says "do not enter?

Likewise, all people should be required to speak and read English to get a license. I imagine 85% of America would support it.

Anti-blasphemy laws...brought to you by the same idiots that seriously argued it was the Danish paper's fault for terrorist attacks after it printed a political cartoon depicting Mohammad.

Seriously...since when did religious beliefs earn a special invincibility from all argument or satire? Every other viewpoint, argument, outlook, and idea can be ridiculed, attacked, parodied, and insulted...except religion.

I'm sorry, but if you seriously believe in young Earth creationism, you are a deluded idiot. If you seriously believe that black people are inferior because [insert book here] says so, you are a racist idiot. If you seriously believe that it is acceptable or understandable for radical Islamic extremists to bomb churches and riot in the streets because of a fucking cartoon, you are a soulless idiot. "It is just what I believe" is not a free pass for anti-intellectual, degrading stupidity. Shame on Obama and the United Nations for attempting to further immunize ludicrous tripe from the criticism it rightfully deserves.

Wahabiism, the Westboro Baptist Church, Zionism, the Religious Right...whatever its label, it is a dangerous, anti-intellectual moral cancer that must be killed before it kills us.

22,

Die.

- 23

I'm not sure if this is a common Internet rule or not, but on a message board I visit there is what is known as "Rule #1," which states in substance that in order to discuss a hot woman or even potentially hot woman, the poster must contain a link to a photo of said woman.

The link to the Halloween costume article referencing a slut wearing a see-through empire state building costume is a clear violation of Rule #1 without a picture, and Mystal should be held accountable for linking the violation.

And to you, commenter number 23, we'll meet again you know where.

I pop a handful of Ambien and call my brother Jake. "Whatshup Jake," I slur. "Are you still the ridiculous little paintywaist nitwit I remember? Still citing your LSAT scores in daily conversation?"

"This isn't the time or place," he whines. Petulant as ever. Jake has always been a ridiculous little bitch.

"Jake," I say. My pulse is dropping off now, I'm headed for much needed sleep. Thanatopsis lite. And not a moment too soon for my throbbing temples. "Jake. I know it was hard on you being the younger one growing up. I always kicked you out of the bunk bed. I told Jessica Goldberg you had a tiny, misshapen cock. That's why she dumped you, Jake. That's why everybody laughed at y ou. It was true, of course, or at least it got at a certain poetic truth. But that's not the point. I was a pretty goddamn mean older brother."

"Is there some purpose for your call, or are you just stoned and incoherent again?" Jake always thinks he's going to score conversational points by playing the uptight moralist, just like he thinks he impresses people with his expensive wristwatches and his job licking ass at dad's firm. He's been in thrall to these incredibly banal ideas of sophistication since he was about 12, conventional in a way that is either hilarious or tragic depending on your point of view. "Why can't you get on with your life?" he says. "I'm trying to read 'Active Liberty.' My head hurts enough without listening to you."

"Active Liberty. Holy fucking shit, Jake. This is how you spend your time. You're nothing, Jake. And you never will be. I'm going to sleep now. If I could touch you, I would punch you in the balls. Just like old times"

I don't know why I bother with the kid. He's always been useless, but somehow I feel affection for him just the same. Anyhow that's my conversation with my little retard brother. Then I fall over on the couch and start drooling.

Lord, let me get this straight, most jurisdictions in the U.S. require AMERICANS to be 16 years old, to take a course and to pass written (in ENGLISH!) and driving tests to have the privilege to use a vehicle on our taxpayer funded roads, yet it is an outrage that someone that can't even understand the signs and rules gets a free pass because they aren't citizens?

The U.S. recognizes international licenses, it isn't difficult to drive in the U.S. legally, assuming you understand the laws and rules of the road, why on earth would Elie (or anyone else) defend somebody potentially being a hazard on the road because they can't read the signs?

I'm doing Elie's work for him, but here is how it works:

http://travel.state.gov/travel/tips/safety/safety_1179.html

28,

In the interests of social justice, it is only fair that you be constitutionally required to do half of my work.

29

incorrect. You should be constitutionally required to do at least 3/5s of mine.

Nice picture ;-)

Jake here:
I must finally make a confession. My friend Karl and I are "Jake Emeritus" and "Partner Emeritus." We are just a couple of suburban New Jersey high school students who came across this legal blog while doing research for our gay pride club that we founded on campus. We were glad to entertain all of you while the fun lasted!

Hahahahahaha Oh Elie, please give us another anti-Texas joke! They are oh so funny and original. Please, do it again for us.

The Underdog post linked by Elie is even more retarded than Elie's ordinary race baiting.

Here is the outrageous instance of racial profiling described on that moonbat idiot blog:

"Enter Jerome H. Jones. The police arrived one Saturday night when a large crowd was gathered in a "suspected high crime area." A cop approached Jones, who had a large white styrofoam cup and a brown paper bag with something inside. Instead of staying silent, Jones volunteered (at least the cops say he volunteered) “I ain’t doing nothing. I’m just drinking.” The D.C. Circuit confirmed that Jones's foregoing statement converted the situation from insufficient grounds to stop, frisk or arrest Jones to sufficient grounds to make a Terry stop to investigate further. Jones v. U.S., _ F.3d _ (D.C. Cir., Oct. 23, 2009). "

Outrageous, right? Well, if you actually read the opinion, you find that this was actually a case where drinking was a misdemanor! The moron admitted to the police to be committing a crime, and the moonbat bloger says that this isn't enough evidence of a Terry search!

I have defended a bunch of drivers in Pennsylvania who have been cited for not being able to speak English.

In PA, you need to be able to speak conversable English if you are driving a commercial vehicle.

Typically these cases involve a US-citizen from Puerto Rico who is pulled over while driving a commercial vehicle for one of our clients. The driver won't talk to the cop, except to say something like "No speak English." The cop the gets irritated and uses this old PA citation. (In reality, most, but not all, of the ticketed drivers can converse in English)

The citation plays fast and loose with the Constitution, but I have gotten every one dismissed- the cops and judges are usually fairly reasonable.

I have been at the law review office now for just over 3 hours, which was preceded by a 45 minute sprint and power breakfast. While you nescients are reading posts by my "fans," I'm preparing myself to make money hand over fist so that I may wall myself off from you barbaric, under-educated wretches.

34-

making elie look bad is turning into good sport. +1 to you sir.

If you cannot read or speak basic English you have NO right to drive a vehicle. Period. I'm tired of this ACLU crap about religious and cultural freedom. Newsflash - this has NOTHING to do with either.

13 -- that was actually funny. Probably the only funny comment on here. Kudos to you.

36 -

Sorry, but 26 (aka JaKass) was extremely amusing and wholly at your expense (not your character . . . you). It was funny, well written, and rather scathing. These are all things that you fail to accomplish in your rantings.

Wow, I'll have to remember to ask my lawyers not to put my Halloween photos into evidence! Clearly neither Elie nor Siouxsie read the ruling, otherwise they would have noticed that the woman’s own attorney was the first to introduce her Halloween photos at trial.

@23: "22, Die."

Don't worry, I've been working on that since I was born--I'll get there eventually.

HA! nice work 41