Associate Advice, pls hndle thx

Pls Hndle Thx: Can I Touch You There

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear Pls Hndle,
Recently, I was at a bar after work with a few other associates from my firm who are on the same case as me. I was drunkenly flirting with one of the midlevels on the case, whom I thought was flirting back with me (give me a break, I was working off little sleep and too many beers), but when I went to kiss her, she recoiled in horror and said something like “get away, what the hell are you doing?”
Needless to say, it was not my finest hour and it was a dumb move. I am now freaked out that this associate will say something to HR or give me a bad review (I’m junior to her) and I’ll be pegged as a womanizer/sexual harasser and fired. So…do you think it’s better to bring this up with her and clear the air upfront or just say nothing and hope it never comes up?
Slick Willy

Dear Slick Willy,
Tempting as it is to believe that women at your firm (or elsewhere) walk around with Life Alert rape buzzers and names of employment lawyers on speed dial just itching for co-workers to so much as BREATHE at them the wrong way so they can press the buzzer, have a security team swoop in, strip you of your professional license, fire you immediately and put out a Megan’s Law alert, that is just not the case. You were drunk, you tried to make a move on a girl and she told you to get off. This happens literally millions of times a day, in bars and marital bedrooms throughout the world. Welcome to Planet Earth.
I know you’re worried that this will somehow get you fired, but I think most female attorneys in this midlevel’s position would just ignore the situation, make fun of you in an email to ten friends and call it a day. If you DO talk to her about it, what could you possibly say? “Not that you were worried, but I just want to reassure you that I won’t attempt to molest you again. Please don’t report me to HR”? That conversation will embarrass the both of you and only increase the size of her email distribution list. If she was, for some strange reason, planning on reporting you to HR anyway, a groveling/awkward apology wouldn’t stop her.
Your gross kiss happened in a bar, outside of work, and she has zero reason to give you a bad review for your extracurricular shenanigans as long as you conduct yourself in an extra-professional fashion going forward. That doesn’t mean you should start addressing her as “m’lady” or throw your jacket over a puddle in front of the water cooler. Just act like a normal human being, and either nothing will come of this situation or we’ll see you on the sex offender registry.
Your friend,
Marin

I wished you had asked us a question before you unleashed your ill-fated “move.” Then we could have helped you. We could have explained the importance of not sh***** where you eat. We could have warned you that you can’t make a play in this situation unless you are absolutely sure. Instead you pulled a Brett Farve and forced the ball in there. I’m so sorry.
At least she was senior to you. I can understand the attraction. As Col. Nathan Jessep says: “There is nothing on this earth sexier, believe me, gentlemen, than a woman you have to salute in the morning. Promote ’em all, I say, ’cause this is true: if you haven’t gotten a ****job from a superior officer, well, you’re just letting the best in life pass you by. ”
Really, given our modern sensibilities, if you simply must sexually harass your co-workers, you’ve got to go up the chain. If you had pulled this with a secretary, you’d be out on your ass quicker than you can say “precautionary termination.” It would have been better if you pulled this with a female partner, but the mid-level isn’t going to claim that rebuffing your drunken advances hurt her career.
You’ll be fine so long as you do not openly hit on anybody else you work with while that particular mid-level is around or has any reasonable chance of hearing about it. I’m sure that the mid-level will ignore your failed hook-up attempt. But if she sees you badgering other women in the office that one-off mistake turns into a pattern of sleaziness. You need to avoid developing a reputation as “the guy who likes to hit on women and can’t take a hint.”
In the future, keep your desire for women more powerful than you focused on married female partners with kids. That should be more than obvious.
— Lt. Col. Matthew Markinson

For all those who feel sexually harassed by Elie’s response, let us unite and press our buzzers.
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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