Layoffs, pls hndle thx, Start Dates

Pls Hndle Thx: The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius?

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Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear ATL,

Deferred associates are starting soon at my V100 firm… which is *odd* because there’s not enough work to go around. At least not for junior level associates, because the mid levels and senior levels hoard work for themselves. So if my firm is going to downsize juniors, do you think they’re more apt to fire these incoming associates or other junior level associates with slightly more tenure?

How Will I Know if He Really Loves Me

Dear How Will I Know if He Really Loves Me,
Luckily this question came in over the holidays, so I had the chance to go home and consult my sister’s Ask Zandar game and get what you really need, which is a wizard’s opinion. I first asked, “Zandar, will this person’s firm fire incoming associates first?” Zandar did not reply. I then asked, “Zandar, is it unacceptable for my 17 year-old cousin to have Neytiri from Avatar as his screensaver?” And when Zandar once again failed to reply, I realized that he had no batteries.
As you may have noticed, things are looking up these days. Bonuses are hitting people’s TD Banks, there’s salary thaws, “true-up” raises* — and the whole global warming trend turned out to be just a weird ’90s phenomenon. On ATL, we’ve traded in Bloody Tuesdays or Outplacement Thursdays for lighter fare about holiday greeting cards and courthouse shootings. Unless executives go back to stealing from their companies — which they won’t be doing because we have rules in place now to deal with that sort of thing — the days of mass layoffs are over. This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.
So, to those of you who have spent the last year afraid to jinx yourself by unwrapping your 2009 BNA Tax Code — RELAX. The Committee of Public Safety isn’t blocking off conference rooms anymore. But if they do, they’ll certainly fire you first, because if they wanted to fire the people they’re bringing in, they just wouldn’t have had them start. Also, they’re cheaper.
Your friend,
Marin
The cast of Hair lunges into the audience and awkwardly forces you to participate, after the jump.

We starve — look
At one another, short of breath
Walking, proudly in our winter coats
Wearing, smells from laboratories. Facing a dying nation
Of moving paper fantasy
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes.

Silence tells me secretly, everything
Everything
Open up your eyes and let the sunshine in. If your firm has to fire somebody, second years will certainly be taken to the layoff induction center before the first years.
Think about it. Firms have figured that they can defer incoming first years indefinitely, with little negative push back (as long as they don’t pull a Nixon Peabody). Hell, some people even herald deferrals as great news for recent graduates, on the theory that getting paid a marginal stipend to not work is more desirable than starting one’s career.
On the other hand, have you heard of a little firm named Latham & Watkins which FIRED FIRST YEAR ATTORNEYS????? That firm has become a verb. The firm dropped ten spots in the Vault prestige rankings. For whatever reason, firing first years is the unforgivable sin during this recession. Firms that fire first years are getting treated like pedophiles in jail.
I think firms will fire, fillet, and serve up an army of second years on a golden platter before they touch one precious hair on a first year’s head.
Trust me on this. I’m a genius, genius,
— Claude.

Being compared to a pedophile in prison is not the end of the world for a first-year-firing law firm. Convicted child molesters cook scrumptious pizzas.
Do you have a question for next week’s Pls Hndle Thx? Send it to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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