Here in New York, we’re not worried about hurricanes, we’re not worried about terrorists, we’re not worried about whether or not Derek Jeter “cheated” to get on base. We are worried about one thing: bedbugs.

Bed bugs are everywhere. Lat has this theory that we’ve reached bedbug epidemic stage and that everybody eventually will have them at same point. I’m retraining my Lhasa Apso to be a bed bug sniffing dog in hopes of making a little extra money. The threat of coming into contact with somebody who has been in contact with somebody who knows somebody who had bed bugs is real.

So you can imagine the horror felt by associates in the New York office of Winston & Strawn, when they received an early morning, pre-recorded phone message from the firm…

This morning a tipster reports that Winston & Strawn associates woke up with bedbugs, not personally, but professionally: “Employees woke up to a recorded message, at like 5 a.m., saying the NY office is infested. Wasn’t clear if they’re supposed to go in anyway!”

“Infested”! That’s a strong word. Are we sure it wasn’t one of those over-hyped bedbug “scares” that have become far too common here in NYC? I mean, are we talking Brooklyn D.A.’s office “infested,” or “a beagle might have identified a bedbug, or the remnants of a very good steak sandwich” kind of thing? Either way, this isn’t the first time bedbugs have hit a Manhattan law firm. It happened to Cadwalader a while back, as well as Cravath.

We reached out to Winston & Strawn earlier this morning to clarify the seriousness of the problem.

But we’ve received no response. In fact, we haven’t heard a response from anybody we know at Winston & Strawn. Even our initial tipster hasn’t been able to correspond with us since early this morning. [Cue spooky music.] What has happened to them? Do they all have bedbugs? Are they itching as we speak? Oh, the humanity! So many bright young people, reduced to scratching in their very primes. WHY? Whhhyyyyyyy?

Hyperbole aside, Winston might consider adding a little information to their early morning terror alert messages. Sending out a message that essentially says “BEDBUGS! FLEE! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!” is only marginally helpful to professional New Yorkers.

Firms make employees go through a mandatory fire evacuation lecture. We’ve got terrorism evacuation plans. It looks like we’re going to need a bedbug emergency evacuation strategy as well.

And if this whole story makes you thin,k “Gosh, I’m really happy I don’t live in New York City” — well, just bite us. Everything else is.

UPDATE: Several other law firms are based in the same building as Winston and could be affected. Find out more here.

Earlier: Bed Bugs v. Brooklyn D.A.’s Office: Round 2
Move Over, Muppets: Bedbugs Take Manhattan (D.A.’s Office)
Breaking: The Cadwalader Bed Bugs Are Baaack!


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