If you’re like most people who have an important drug test coming up — say, for a new law firm job or for probation (kind of the same thing) — you probably prepare by doing things such as guzzling water, sucking pennies, or ladling your roommate’s urine into a pocket flask.
A somewhat less effective way to prepare involves going on a cocaine and amphetamine binge hours before your drug test and hoping for the best. But that didn’t stop Lindsay Lohan from trying last week:
Lindsay Lohan’s probation has been revoked and a bench warrant issued for her arrest…. Although the bench warrant was issued, it’s being held — i.e., on hold — until Friday at 8:30 AM, when Lindsay is ordered to appear in court.
The move by Judge Elden Fox comes after Lindsay failed two drug tests recently … one showed the presence of cocaine and another showed amphetamines.
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Under the terms of her probation, Lindsay could get 60 days for her latest misstep, and the bench warrant comes just weeks after Lindsay completed a 14-day jail stint and 23 days in UCLA’s in-patient celebrity-enabling sanctuary rehab for another parole violation.
As an occasional taxpayer (albeit in a different state), I’m annoyed California has to waste precious time and resources monitoring and jailing Lindsay, when they could be doing something useful, like banning Jay Leno. As a lawyer, I’m itching to blame someone or something(s) for her downward spiral, and I have found the proximate clause: her boobs.
Let’s take a closer look…
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Fact: In 2003, Lindsay made Freaky Friday. Fact: Two years later, she was reduced to making movies about magical cars.
So what the hell happened in 2004? She bolted two-pound puppies to her chest. Think about it: Lindsay started out as a fresh-faced ingenue, but as my friend [redacted] says, nobody’s looked at face since 1992.
Recognizing this, Lindsay boosted her profile (no pun intended) and went from teen queen to ma-ture actress. With the new Christmas hams came a more “glamorous” lifestyle, and all the added attention, parties and drugs that that entails. Implants were her gateway drug. Palsgraf, anyone?
Lindsay’s isn’t the only life destroyed by implants. Below, I present to you other celebs who went from the breast of times… to the worst of times.
Ed. note: Yes, loyal readers, you’re about to get a completely safe-for-work breast gallery. Don’t say we never did anything for you….