As you’ve probably heard, last week Las Vegas cops arrested partying hag Paris Hilton for cocaine possession, after pulling her over in a Cadillac Escalade that was trailing marijuana smoke. And as you’ve probably also heard, the police would have never found the coke in the first place if Paris hadn’t been such a vain twit:

According to Sgt. John Sheahan, while police were questioning Waits, Hilton, who was in police custody inside the Wynn Las Vegas, allegedly reached inside her purse for “a tube of lip balm. At the same time, says Sheahan, a bindle of cocaine in a plastic bag came out of her purse” in plain view of police in the room.

Paris shrewdly floated several excuses – that the purse wasn’t hers and that she had no idea that the coke was in there, or that she had seen the coke in there, but mistook it for gum* – before settling on the airtight alibi that the purse was in fact hers but she had loaned it to a “friend” who left coke in there. Throw the kitchen sink at the police and see what sticks, that’s what I always say….

This incident is remarkable not because it “explosively” reveals that Paris does drugs or applies lip gloss when facing felony charges, but because it is the third time THIS SUMMER that she invoked the “it wasn’t me” Shaggy Defense. The first time was back in July, when Paris claimed she had “nothing to do with it” when South African police caught her smoking a joint at the World Cup.  Two weeks after the incident, in an uncanny coincidence, Paris described as “completely false” the completely real reports that police had detained her at the Corsica airport for traveling with pot.

My question here is: is there a  maximum number of times a person can legally invoke the Shaggy Defense before it becomes prima facie false? Paris was not formally charged with drug possession for the South Africa and Corsica incidents, but shouldn’t a Las Vegas judge be able consider the totality of the ridiculous circumstances or do some Revlon test or something in order to factor in her history of ludicrous excuses?

You know, I actually feel bad for Paris. Long before the Kardashians ruled the Earth, Paris single-handedly pioneered the whole famous-for-no-reason concept, and for a while America bought into it. We bought her books, we gave her tv shows, we watched her night vision sex tape. But just like one of those relationships where one party doesn’t want to go out anymore and the other won’t stop partying, a few years ago, America put on its symbolic sweatpants and called it quits with Paris. She didn’t change; we did.

And so when she gets in trouble for DUIs and drugs, it’s kind of like hearing about a crazy ex who is still up to the same old shit after all these years. In my heart, I know that Paris will never learn her lesson; I just hope she gets some better excuses.

* Any fool knows that no gum comes in powder form, unless you count the sugar dust at the bottom of Big League Chew and Bubble Tape containers. Had Paris claimed that she thought it was Fun Dip, that would be another story entirely.


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