Lawsuit of the Day: Pass the Wooden Dildo, Please

We first mentioned this lawsuit, which was filed back in August, last month (second item). But so many of you have emailed us this AOL news story that we’ve decided to provide more detailed coverage.

It’s a lawyer versus lawyer lawsuit, usually the ugliest kind of litigation. But the allegations made here are perhaps more bizarre than ugly.

If you can handle claims of naked men engaging in hand-to-weiner contact, while sitting on tree stumps and passing around a wooden dildo — I think glass is more classy, but to each his own — then keep reading….

According to the complaint in Eggleston v. Bisnar/Chase LLP, plaintiff Steven Eggleston — make that Dr. Steven Eggleston, since he’s a licensed chiropractor as well as a lawyer (Complaint ¶ 4) — started working at Bisnar/Chase in July 2009. Eggleston was supposed to receive a draw of $15,000 a month, as well as a one-third referral fee on cases he brought to the firm.

Shortly after Eggleston started work, name partner John Bisnar told Eggleston that “there’s a seminar you need to go to.” Bisnar refused to provide details, but told Eggleston that it was called the New Warrior Training and was sponsored by an outfit called the ManKind Project. When Eggleston asked for more detail, Bisnar was evasive, stating that the seminar proceedings are “secret” and that attendees swear an oath not to reveal what transpires. ¶ 17.

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Eggleston decided to do a little research into the “New Warrior Training” offered by the “Mankind Project.” His Google searches unearthed some weird details. The seminars, which actually sound more like men’s retreats, are held in remote locations; attendees are forced to carpool, making it difficult to leave; and attendees are stripped of their personal belongings upon arrival. ¶ 19.

And that’s not all they’re stripped of, according to the complaint:

Yikes. Watch out for poison ivy. And branches.

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The same policy applies on Saturday nights at Urge. Perfectly reasonable.

For the record, the ManKind Project denies claims of hand-to-penis contact. From a section on its website entitled Phearing the Phallus:

There is some nudity on the New Warrior Training Adventure. It is about 5% of the total experience. About 2 hours out of 50….

Here are the two biggest facts to know:

This nudity is not required. Any man may choose not to participate in any process….

This nudity is never sexual. There is no sexual touching on the New Warrior Training Adventure. It has always been forbidden and this is strictly enforced. It’s one of the first rules of the weekend that men will hear on Friday. No man will ever be asked to let another man touch his genitals or to touch another man’s genitals.

So if you Phavor rather than Phear the Phallus, you’re out of luck, at least according to the ManKind Project’s official website.

Phor Eggleston, Phear of the Phallus outweighed Phavor:

Indeed. John Bisnar isn’t very cute.

So Eggleston tried to get out of attending the November 2009 seminar by invoking his recently widowed mother’s 78th birthday — “her first birthday alone since the passing her husband of 60 years.” ¶ 24.

John Bisnar was unimpressed with Eggleston’s excuse:

But things weren’t the same after that, according to Eggleston’s complaint. Bisnar grew abusive towards Eggleston and docked his pay from $15,000 a month to $10,000 a month.

(That’s a significant cut — $60,000 annualized. John Bisnar can hold my wang for a weekend for an extra $60K a year.)

As the February 2010 seminar approached, Eggleston was once again pressured to attend. An organizer tried to assuage his concerns by telling him the February seminar wouldn’t feature nudity. But Eggleston was still uncomfortable:

The rest, as they say, is history. Eggleston left Bisnar Chase and then filed a complaint alleging 13 causes of action, including sexual harassment, retaliation, infliction of emotional distress, and unfair business practices. Because forcing an employee to handle “The Cock” does sound like an unfair business practice, assuming the person’s not a prostitute.

Eggleston has joined a new firm. He’s of counsel at Jorgensen & Salberg, where presumably he doesn’t have to handle “The Cock.” His attorney bio on the Jorgensen website prominently mentions his chiropractic practice — because if you were injured in a car accident, wouldn’t you want to go to a lawyer who’s also a chiropractor? One-stop shopping is tough to beat.

CORRECTION (10/13/10): Richard Allen Jorgensen of Jorgensen & Salberg advises us:

Eggleston was with our firm for a short time, years ago (long before he went to work for Bisnar & Chase). When we were no longer working with him, we deleted his link from our website. Apparently, the actual page with Eggleston’s bio on it is still up in cyberspace somewhere, and can be accessed directly by searching for “Eggleston,” but I can assure you that Eggleston has not been with our firm for several years. I forwarded our IT guy a request to permanently delete the page, but have not yet received a reply.

For his part, Brian Chase claims that Eggleston’s lawsuit lacks merit. Chase told AOL News: “Because this group has a nudity angle, he filed a lawsuit to extort money out of me.”

A personal injury lawyer claiming that a lawsuit is nothing more than a shakedown? Wonders never cease.

What Do You Say to a Naked Lawyer? Here’s a Suit [AOL News]
Eggleston v. Bisnar/Chase LLP [Scribd]
Dr. Steven C. Eggleston [Jorgensen & Salberg]

Earlier: Non-Sequiturs: 09.24.10