Pls Hndle Thx: Should You Ask for Lateral Signing Bonuses?

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

Dear ATL,

I’m an associate at a mid-sized law firm, and I recently received an offer from a much larger and more prestigious firm. I’ve decided to accept. My question is: should I ask for a signing bonus, and if so, how large? The salary bump from what I’m earning right now is already huge, so I feel greedy asking for more, especially in this economy. But if I can get it, why not, right?

— Money Never Sleeps

Dear Money Never Sleeps,

Here’s a sample of some of the items that landed in my inbox this week: One reader wanted to know whether to ask the firm where she was contracting at to upgrade her to associate. Somebody else requested an opinion on whether law school was still a bad idea given that he currently makes $16,000 a year and manages a coffee shop. And Mint.com, my passive-aggressive personal finance site, emailed me to “let me know” that I was over budget for “Alcohol & Entertainment” expenditures in January. And then I received your question. Yeah….

So am I sympathetic to your plight? Absolutely not. Law school graduates are moving back in with their parents — a special kind of hell — and you have jobs coming out your eyeballs. In fact, we’re going to get at least 10 emails asking what firm you’re leaving so that unemployed JDs can pile on to apply for your spot. But you can’t help your position, and if I was in your position I’d be wondering the same thing.

Wayne Gretzky once said, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” I know this quote because a girl I went to camp with posted it on her Facebook wall two days ago. She’s a manager at Buy Buy Baby. The point is, if you don’t ask for a signing bonus, you certainly won’t get one. The partners at your new firm will certainly be floored to learn that the associate they poached from a no-name firm is lateraling over for the salary bump and not for the on-site gym, but they will get over it. Because they’re partners, and if they hadn’t made partner, they would have followed the money and lateraled, too.

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Ask for the bonus. It’s your life and bank account. Ride or die.

Your friend,

Marin

So apparently Marin is now choosing the questions sent to advice@abovethelaw.com that are most likely to make my head explode. That’s cool, I can keep it together…

You ask for a warm glass of shut the hell up. I mean, the guy is even saying: “I feel greedy asking for more,” yet he is able to overcome any sense of shame or propriety within five words with the morally rigorous thought of: “But if I can get it, why not, right?”

I know people like you. You seem like the kind of guy who needs a special invitation to not be a dick. Oh, you won’t do something selfish and greedy if somebody gives you a good reason not to, but your default position seems to be, “I can, therefore I do.” You’re the kind of guy who would take candy from a baby, but only if nobody saw you do it.

I’m not going to make things that easy for you. Sure we could talk about how your new colleagues will think you are a self-entitled prick for asking for a signing bonus when they are already giving you a huge raise. We could talk about how word will get around about your signing bonus and everybody else in your new firm will be gunning for you. But Marin’s right. You can probably ask and get away with asking without doing critical damage to your career or reputation.

Whether or not you should is an entirely different question. You know you’re being a greedy little bastard by asking, so really the only question is: Can you look at yourself in the mirror knowing that you’re a greedy little bastard? Some people can; some people would ask and then tell themselves that they were just trying to stand up for themselves. Whether through an acceptance of their own character flaws or a feat of self-delusion, there are a lot of people who would ask for the signing bonus and not think twice about it.

Others cannot. Not because they lack boldness or toughness, but because they don’t want to live their lives in complete service to their bank accounts. Some people don’t want to be greedy, even when they can be.

Which kind of person are you? This isn’t a grand existential question; you just have to look at the choices you make every day. When you find somebody’s wallet, do you return it or do you take out all of the cash and then return it? When some idiot behind the counter gives you back too much change, do you pocket the money or point out the error? When you go to an open bar and somebody hands you a “free” drink, do you tip the bartender like you would normally, or do you say, “Thanks, I’ll want another one in 20 minutes.”

Basically, if you are a cash-keeping, no-tipping error profiteer, you might as well ask about the signing bonus. The moral uncertainty of this choice will be easily absorbed by your black heart.

— Søren Elie Kierkegaard

Ed. note: Have a question for next week? Send it in to advice@abovethelaw.com.

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Earlier: Prior editions of Pls Hndle Thx


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