Defamation, Football, Kids, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sports

Lawyers Are Just Hype Men

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Tonight America comes together to celebrate its most important holiday. Whether you’re Christian or other, tonight you will plop down on the couch, crack a beer, wait with bated breath for the first commercial break, likely have a heart attack, and definitely beat all holy hell out of your wife.

Some say football is America’s national religion. And if that’s so, A.J. Daulerio is its… sorry, I didn’t really think this metaphor through. Perhaps you already know who A.J. Daulerio is. Perhaps you read the profile of him in GQ or read the article last fall in the Times. Or, if you’re anything like me, you have Deadspin bookmarked. If it’s that last one, you probably already know what this is about.

This is about what happens when lawyers stop being polite… and start getting real. Oh, and it’s about The Sanchize, Mark Sanchez, or El Sucio Sanchez if you’re not into the whole brevity thing…

Daulerio has made his bones breaking some of the grossest and funniest stories in sports and, in the process, has inspired tabloid editors everywhere to step their game up. This hasn’t always led to nude pictures of gross, disgusting, no-good he-women who also happen to adjudicate moose/Mountie controversies… but sometimes it has.

At any rate, the latest controversy promises to take down the New York Jetropolitans quarterback with details of an unseemly relationship with a minor… or maybe not. That’s how these things go sometimes. Maybe what Daulerio has up his sleeve is nothing but pictures of Crocs sans dong. Whatever it is, Tuesday is the day of the big reveal.

Appetites of the jaded and scummy the world over have been whetted by a preview post on Deadspin Friday afternoon that consists of, basically, a lawyer’s cease-and-desist letter. The letter’s right here:

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So yeah. The minor is E.K. and this lawyer’s letter has apparently done nothing to dissuade A.J. Daulerio. Even without the pictures, E.K. is now internet famous. Which has replaced the pole as every father’s mortal fear.

Seriously don’t know anything about the law firm of Kendall Brill & Klieger. Maybe they too have something else up their sleeve. I do appreciate how the letter stumbles through all sorts of legal boilerplate, citing the New York Penal Code and Restatement (Second duh) of Torts, before appealing to basic decency in the last paragraph. Apparently the girl’s not worrying about college applications at the moment. Won’t someone think of the children????

In the meantime, all we can do is wait for Tuesday to roll around.

(Let’s all just hope the pictures are not of what an amateur Canadian wildlife observer might think is Grizzly Bear vomit. Seriously, Lat. Yuck.)

Mark Sanchez’s 17-Year-Old Lady Friend Has Found A Lawyer [Deadspin]

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