Got this email in the ol’ inbox this morning — a missive from Jose Baez, the successful defense lawyer of Casey Anthony, who was just acquitted of charges that she killed her daughter (murder and manslaughter).
Thought I’d forward it on to you good folks. Read it if you want. Don’t cost nothing.
Subject: Hey A-hole!
Date: Wed, 06 Jul 2011 05:29:00 -0600
I’m sorry that it’s taken me this long to respond to the thoughtful criticisms levied against me in your post written almost a month ago, when you named me Above the Law’s Lawyer of the Day and suggested I was in over my head on the Casey Anthony case.
In the whirlwind that is my life, I occasionally misplace things, and your post was just one of those things. It’s probably better this way, as I’ve had the opportunity to collect my thoughts and give you the reasoned response your thoughtfulness begs for. Almost a month on, I think it’s fair to say….
… you are a dumb turd. LOL.
Just kidding. Not really. No seriously, Juggs man. You look dumber than an ape today, wouldn’t you agree? No? LOL. I got your sinking feeling right here, friend-o. I’m holding my nut sack is what I mean. I know this sh*t doesn’t translate over email, but I don’t really care. Me, Ma$e and Brandy are sitting on top of the world right now, hombre. You don’t even know.
You know how I know you don’t know? Because you’re a part-time blogger and a full-time sh*tbird. LOL. Un pajaro de poopy. ROTFLMAO.
No, seriously. I’m calm now. Whew. Cool it, Jose. Alright, I’ve got something serious to say. BRANNNNFFFFFF!!! I just farted. LOL.
Oh man. I could clown on you all day, but then when would I find the time to win the highest of high-profile murder cases? Huh? Seriously though, Juggs. In all seriousness. This is me being serious. Your post about me…
“Parental abuse. It almost worked in the Menendez Brothers case, so why wouldn’t it work here? Well, for starters…”
Well, for starters… duh duh duh. Well, for starters, you don’t know d*ck about squat. You ever consider this? You recall one case from twenty years ago, wrap up your allusion in a pretty rhetorical bow, and say “Job well done!” WTF, man?
“Legal philosopher Big Daddy Kane once said there Ain’t No Half-Steppin’. I tend to agree.”
Here’s another one for you, d*cknose. Pimpin’ Ain’t Easy. I just make it look that way.
What were you even trying to do with this thing? Huh? You read one article and decided that you had me figured, huh? Did you even read two articles about me? I bet you didn’t. You read one and you thought: “Hey, here’s some dumb broked*ck Puerto Rican from some third tier toilet who’s had some rough patches in his life. How about I knock him down a peg or two?” Am I close? Naw, I bet you didn’t even get that far in your alleged thinking.
Here’s what I think you did, Juggs. I think you sh*t out some blog post because I was low-hanging fruit. You didn’t think, Juggs. And then. And then, Juggs… this is where it gets beautiful. You write this abortion you call a post and then have the audacity to bemoan Headline News, their demagogic anchors, and their millions of sedentary zombie viewers because THEY are intoxicated by their own moral condescension and snap judgments? LOLOL.
Listen, I’m sure you’re stroking those pubes on your chin right now and saying that your reasoning still holds. You think I’m lucky — that I still should have… how’d you put it? Grabbed my Funyuns and backed away? No skin off my rather enormous nuts, pal.
They’re all saying the same thing anyway. You and the rest of the merry band of do-nothings can squawk all you want. Because there’s only one thing that’s capital-T True in all of this, and that is that I DID it. I would bake you some crow, but I’m afraid I’m fresh out. Here, maybe this will tide you over.
Now go get your shinebox.
With all due respect,
UPDATE (5 PM): In case you haven’t figured this out — we thought it was rather obvious, but some of the comments suggest otherwise — this was SATIRE. As in, NOT REAL. Thank you for making us spell this out.