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Career Center: The Night Before Bonus Season – A Survey

‘Twas the night before bonuses, and all through New York Empire, not a creature was stirring, not even a Wall Street Occupier.

Direct deposit accounts were set up with care, in the hopes that fat bonuses soon would be there.

The associates were nestled all snug in their cubicles, while nightmares loomed of bonuses paid out in rubles.

And secretaries in underwear, and partners in slacks, had finished some last minute work on their backs.

When out on the blogosphere there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my Lawyerly Lair to see what was the matter.

Away to the BlackBerry I fingered like mad, to see if the news would make me sad, neutral, or glad.

With a few short clicks I made it on Above the Law, to see if I should hit should Lat square in the jaw….

When what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a flashing red and blue light that was always so queer.

With the same law firm, so full of wrath, I knew the first to announce would be Cravath.

More vicious than honey badgers, the bonus numbers came, and the memo listed them out with almost no shame:

Now $7,500! Now $10K!

Now $15K, and $20K!

On $25K! On $30K!

On $37,500 and who cares about the rest!

To the top of the towers! To the end of the hall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!

As the tears of associates flooded down in a flurry, I realized then I better get a hurry.

With copy and paste on a festive office letter, I sent out a bonus scale that would be no better.

I sprang to my Bentley, giving Elie the finger, smiling brightly knowing my bank account would be greener.

And as I drove off, I yelled with a glee: “Happy Holidays to all, especially to me!”

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