Attorney Misconduct, Biglaw, Courtship Connection, Romance and Dating, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sexual Harassment, Small Law Firms, STDs, Sweet Hot Justice

Size Matters: Small-Firm Love in the Afternoon

There are only two weeks remaining before New Year’s Eve. That means that my small-firm singles only have a short window to secure their New Year’s Eve date. And according to our survey, none of you will be working on the holiday, so you better get your act together.

Luckily for you, I am an expert at finding love. If you can believe it, this skill outshines my genius at doling out small-firm advice. And since I write under a pseudonym, none of you know that I am a 46-year-old spinster who has eggs in the freezer. Oh, well I guess you do now, but let’s get on with my tips for a successful small-firm seduction….

You could go to the traditional route and use a dating service. Might I suggest this one if you are looking for your New Year’s love to be a lawyer. Clearly a website with a catch-phrase of “it’s fun, it’s legal, it’s lawyers in love” must be good. Or hit up Kashmir Hill and explain to her your desperate situation.

What I suggest, however, is doing what people do all the time. Call Reema? You should leave that as a Plan C. No, you should look for love at work.

Think about it: you work at a firm with less than 50 people and you know all about everyone’s business. This means you can target the people with whom you have the best chance of success. Lonely small-firm attorneys need love, too!

I should warn you that there is one tiny potential problem with this plan for your perfect New Year’s date: you work at a firm with less than 50 people, and you know all about everyone’s business. This means that everyone will know about your sordid tryst or embarrassing blow-off when everyone reconvenes at the office in 2012.

And even if your date is a success, it might get a little awkward constantly running into each other in your tiny suite of offices. Indeed, in a post about how to date in Biglaw, Legal Tease of Sweet Hot Justice warned against dating within your group:

[I]f this associate works in your local practice group, you’ll cross paths … over and over again. And worse, depending on how you badly you navigated the initial flirting, the associate probably mentioned your little encounter to a few friends in her class, who then told a few friends in the next class, etc. Within a day or two, every person in your department knows that you tried to make a move on the new kid and got shot down.

Or your sexual history could become public knowledge around the water cooler, like the infamous Biglaw STD outbreak of 2010 (via the Daily Beast):

At one white-shoe law firm recently, a cluster of affairs was discovered by accident, according to a source familiar with the situation. A benefits manager in the human resources department noticed an unusual volume of prescriptions for the same expensive drug coming through the medical claims department. The drug: a popular remedy for sexually transmitted diseases. Tracing the claims back to Patient Zero, the benefits and human resources groups were able to tell who wasn’t toeing the line of disclosure.

The office manager is not going to have to go digging around too much to identify Patient Zero since there are only a few possibilities given the firm size.

Oh, and there is the whole sexual harassment thing. So, while it should go without saying, keep it classy, small-firm peeps.

Do not let this dissuade you from looking for love at your small firm. There is nothing worse than being dateless on New Year’s. (Yes, I am suggesting that having Joanne in payroll discover that you have the clap is preferable). Be discrete, respectful, and not too desperate. If you play your cards right, you could end up partners with your life partner.

I want to hear from you if you (a) took my tips, (b) are dating/married to another lawyer at your small firm, or (c) dated/despise your ex-mate at your small firm.

Good luck!

Earlier: Biglaw Blind Item: Who Has Herpes?


When not writing about small law firms for Above the Law, Valerie Katz (not her real name) works at a small firm in Chicago. You can reach her by email at Valerie.L.Katz@gmail.com and follow her on Twitter at @ValerieLKatz.

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