What’s the most sure-fire way to make money in a bad economy? Capitalize on the misery of others. As the Kobra Kai taught us, strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!

Today’s Legal Sweep the Leg Award goes to Kick’em Out Quick, a “One Stop Shop” for tenant evictions and collections based in Ogden, Utah. Kick’em Out Quick is an online marketing company that strives to drum up eviction numbers for member attorneys who pay for the privilege of bearing the Kick’em Out Quick name.

Kick’em Out Quick extends a helping hand to landlords, offering sympathy and understanding of the stresses that these everyday heroes must endure at the hands of nasty tenants. Even better, they help motivated lawyers make money in the process.

When there is blood in the water, the sharks will start circling. Kicking ’em out quick is only the beginning…

Just how much money is there to be made in the evictions game? According to Kick’em Out Quick’s sales presentation, a lot. The website gleefully points out that nationwide eviction rates have risen more than 20 percent per year for the last three years, with “over 1.5 million evictions a year and growing.” This makes evictions a “$1Billion dollar industry” (so much money that using only the dollar sign or the word dollar, and not both, would not adequately convey the potential wealth to be made here). We’re talking about a virtual goldmine.

Even better, Kick’em Out Quick doesn’t have one of those annoying websites where you’re forced to read to get more info. Instead, we get the face of Kick’em Out Quick himself, Mr. Tyler Jensen, Esq. of the Law Firm of LeBaron & Jensen, P.C. walking in and out of frames and touting the virtues of the evictions business. As Mr. Tyler Jensen, Esq. reminds us, the key to success is remembering that the ruthlessness must not end with eviction:

And don’t forget — After you Kick’em Out – Make’em Pay®!

That’s right, things just got real. So real that Jensen had to strike a “tough guy” pose, which is about as threatening an image as all those hard core gang symbol poses that drunk white sorority girls love to post on Facebook.

Also, they’ve gone to the trouble of trademarking the Make’em Pay phrase, so you know they mean business. According to unspecified and uncited “research,” 72 percent of landlords opt for Kick’em Out Quick when they turn to the internet to find an eviction attorney.

So, how much will it cost you for the privilege of becoming THE Kick’em Out Quick attorney in your area? A mere average territory fee of only $150.00 per month. Once you pony up, you’re on your way to keeping 50 percent of any back rent you help your landlord clients collect. If you’re having a misguided moment of sympathy and thinking that this seems like a bad deal for the landlords, think again –- landlords who are smart enough to include the right verbiage in their contracts can pour salt in the wounds of down-on-their-luck tenants and heap this 50 percent fee on top of the rents that the tenants already can’t afford. After all, mercy is for the weak.

To prove just how exciting the eviction game can be, Kick’em Out Quick includes an entertaining Nightmare Eviction of the Month feature on their website. This month’s winner comes from Ogden, Utah:

This featured nightmare cost some poor landlord $14,300 (there’s a scary gray ghost next to the total, so you know it’s really, really bad).

This story tells me two things: 1) $1,100 a month in Odgen, Utah will get you ample space to satisfy all your Coors-Lite-case-and-old-tire-hoarding needs; 2) some hoarders are committed enough to keeping their disgusting homes livable that they create new floor-like surfaces on top of their piles of trash. I don’t know about you, but I’m already excited to check back and see who next month’s winner will be.

And if you’re a landlord with a nightmare eviction story, you’re in luck – Kick’em Out Quick pays $100 if they use your story and you might even be featured on Kick’em Out Quick’s Facebook page. Aren’t evictions fun?

Just remember, when times seem tough, there’s always someone who has it worse than you do who you can evict. If you’re determined enough to win, you’ll find a way. Just sweep the leg, Johnny.


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