Last week we covered a confident San Diego attorney’s entertaining Craigslist ad for a young, hip, attractive assistant. I’ma let you talk, Legal Baller. Your ad was pretty good, but I wanted to let you know that a Denver business just posted the most bats**t-crazy Craigslist lawyer ad of all time. OF ALL TIME.

Let’s take a look…

Our highly amused tipster attempts to give us a summary of the ad some delirious attorney wrote after he went off his meds:

needing a sober leader contract attorney who is COO of marketing…and athletic morning person?

I would post a screen cap of the ad, but at nearly a thousand words, it’s kind of impossible. The entire job posting, for an attorney with four years experience, is on the next page.

Apparently all the medical marijuana in Colorado is going to people’s heads. Or not. This appears to be a straight-edge only organization:

As the attorney for our company, for all obvious reasons, you will be responsible for COLTAF funds [Colorado Lawyer Trust Account Foundation], and paying billing cycles for contracted work, as my colleagues and I are contractors, not employees. This will have to be done willingly. Meaning that if you have mounds of student loans and credit card debts beyond your control, or creditors hunting you, this would certainly not be the job for you. We do run a background check on credit. We also perform a random U.A.’s. We are a good clean company that is seeking the same type of attorney. Heavy drinkers will not be tolerated, nor will drug addicts. We are all clean and sober in this company, and seeking someone who fits into this social class. We are not passing judgment on those who enjoy an unhibited lifestyle. We just are not looking for that type of attorney at this time.

What is going on here?

Being athletic is not required but preferred, and will most certainly make the top of the resume pile. : ) Being a morning person will increase your chances at working here. : ) I think we mentioned, you will be required to pass a drug and alcohol screening, background check.

The right person for this career will have to bring a coo in marketing, we do not just wish to fish all day for “The Leader”, Lol. We wish to have a leader who fishes with us like pa used to! : ) We also need an attorney who is willing to share. The attorney we hire will not be hateful and spiteful to his/her staff, or hungover and mean. He/She will have tact, skill, grace, and more importantly humor. This is SERIOUS! Lol. We need an attorney who cares about the clients and understands, does not yell or act disgruntled when one calls, or shows other clients just what a burden they are for he/she. Rather, someone humane that understands the clients are truly hurt and sad, and worried and emotional. We need someone with the heart for this. Again, hangovers will not be tolerated.

This position will be filled by an attorney who knows that they love what they do. We all have boyfriends and girlfriends. We are very together and love what we do! This is the greatest job and crew! Why? Because we love what we do! : )

Come work with us. We swear, it will be fun.

OK. Some thoughts:

A) No, seriously. What the hell is going on? I don’t understand the words on this page.

B) My mom doesn’t even use that many emoticons.

C) “Lol” in a job ad? Seriously? If Brian Tannebaum saw this, he might have a conniption.

D) Is this a real company or a doomsday cult? You are not allowed to drink, you have to be in good shape, and you should be in a happy relationship. And the ad later says they prefer that you don’t have many “extracurriculars.” Whoever takes his job, I’m telling you: if they offer you Kool-Aid at an office party, DON’T DRINK IT.

Over the course of 938 words (longer than most ATL posts), the author doubles down on the crazy over and over again. At some point I think I actually passed out:

This company has run for almost five years. We are not a law firm. However, we welcome your law firm and wish to build you into the attorney you deserve to be and give you the recognition you deserve. Monies paid to staff are at times large sums. Most attorneys understand this. Most attorneys make a lot more money then we do. We appreciate our attorney. Why? We could not make it without them and love them dearly for helping us. We have an office. We have the option of moving into an office that fits two, three or four, depending on the budget.

Is that even English? Who are you people, and what have you done with your normal HR manager?

If any of our readers can tell us more about this operation, please let us know. There has to be some logical explanation for all this. (Even if the whole thing turns out to be an elaborate ruse.) I’ve got nothing, so maybe you guys can help me out.

Attorney Position. Please Read Before Sending Resume. (Denver) [Craigslist Denver]


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