Celebrities, Divorce Train Wrecks, Religion

Xenu Expresses His Displeasure With Divorcing Scientologists, Encourages Use of In-House Lawyers

When you join a cult alternative religion, it’s expected that you’re going to become accustomed to some rather unusual practices. And if that religion happens to be based upon science fiction books, well, you know that you’re going to be exposed to some crazy strange sh*t in all of life’s events. From marriage, to birth (of the silent variety), to divorce, to death, the Church of Scientology offers unique advice for its adherents to follow — advice that encourages Scientologists to abandon the legal system.

All hail the mighty Xenu, dictator of the Galactic Confederacy, who knows well the dangers of ridiculously high-priced legal bills. That’s why he isn’t a fan of modern-day divorce train wrecks. Take the recent filing between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes — not only will that cost a pretty penny to litigate, but it will bring shame upon L. Ron Hubbard’s religious dynasty.

That’s why if you absolutely must split with your spouse, Xenu will forgo the necessary funds for Scientology pamphlets used for recruiting new minions, and hook you up with your own in-house divorce attorney….

This weekend, Stacey Solie of the New York Times wrote an interesting piece about divorce and Scientology based on the experiences of former practicing Scientologists — some of whom have had their fair share of time in the limelight, like Carmen Llywelyn, ex-wife of Jason Lee. From the Times article:

Couples like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise who are looking to end their marriages are expected to find — through the Scientology organization — ways of working things out. So divorce for Scientologists can often be a long and difficult process, according to several former members of the church. …

But along the way, former church members say, couples face unusual marital counseling sessions and are sometimes pressured to use in-house divorce lawyers.

According to Llywelyn, one of these sessions involves being hooked up to an E-meter, a device used to detected unexpressed thoughts. A chaplain will encourage a couple to bitch at each other until the reading on the device is flat, meaning they are madly in love again. Unfortunately, this kind of counseling must only work in scifi books, and not in real life, otherwise Katie Holmes wouldn’t have lost that loving feeling.

If the oh-so-scientific E-meter doesn’t work, Llywelyn claims that couples will be referred to an in-house divorce attorney. But why all this secrecy? Because in an effort to keep disputes out of the prying public eye, “Scientologists aren’t allowed to sue each other.” Oh, of course! Because if no one knows how truly wacky your religion is, more celebrities will open their hearts wallets and join the party.

Leave it to Xenu, an all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-seeing being, to devise an expert plan to keep tabs on bad PR without running up an expensive legal tab in the process.

For Scientologists, Divorce Is No Simple Matter [New York Times]
Splitting Scientology Couples Sometimes Pressured to Use In-House Divorce Lawyers, Ex-Members Say
[ABA Journal]

Earlier: Fame Brief: Katie Holmes Ascends the Bridge to Total Freedom

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