I’m not going to pretend to care about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. And here’s why: I don’t care about vampires, werewolves, trolls, magical rings, wands, space, fantasy or anything that encourages nerds of the world to be even more annoying. I am tired of walking by hoards of absolute losers waiting in costume at 4 p.m. for a midnight showing of a 3D movie about sexy blue people that live in a fake jungle on a different planet. I will not read a 700-page book about wizards and gargoyles. And since I do not wear Pink University sweatpants, listen to “OneDirection” or hang out at Cinnabon at the mall, there is absolutely no reason for me to see, or care, about Twilight.

But I do care about Twilight dogs. Obviously we all do.

You’ve no doubt heard that shifty minx “KStew” cheated on “RPat,” her boyfriend of three years, with Rupert Sanders, her creepy married director from Snow White and the Hunstman. This turn of events of was absolutely shocking because it destroyed eveybody’s faith in true love and also Kristin and Rob were supposed to maintain their sham relationship until their Twilight promotional duties are over for the third and mercifully final installment, to be released this November.

But when life veers off-script, true actors improvise and deliver the satisfying alternate storyline…

INT/EXT. LOCATIONS – VARIOUS. DAY/NIGHT

(MONTAGE. CUE: Somewhere Only We Know)

Rob loads crap into a U-Haul

Rob takes one last mournful look at the Los Feliz rental he and Kristin shared

Rob stoops to pick up a lone flower at Reese Witherspoon’s ranch, twists it between his fingers and looks off camera

Rob gets carded for cigarettes and angrily mouths,“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?”

Rob Googles “Asian escort” and picks up phone to dial

Bear the dog

And now, reports Radar Online, the narrative arc is set for the dramatic low: a “bitter” custody battle over Bear, the insanely cute dog the couple adopted together.

But K-Stew won’t give up Bear without a fight, she’s especially fond of the dog after helping him fight the potentially fatal disease Parvo.

“After Rob moved his things out of their Los Angeles home, he then told Kristen he wanted Bear,” an insider said.

“She was heartbroken – they adopted Bear together and she always felt that he was their little baby.

“But Rob was so hurt by Kristin’s actions he decided that he wants the dog to help him get over what happened. After all, a dog is a man’s best friend and Bear is such a good companion.”

“She wants joint custody – and it could get a little messy,” the insider revealed.

Pets are considered property and if they both signed the adoption papers, so it looks like these two will just have to sort it out. But as a veteran viewer of Jennifer Aniston’s work, I can predict with 99% certainty that Rob will win custody and then start hanging out in the dog park, where Bear will (embarrassingly!) hump a dog owned by Ellen, a cute girl who’s new to the area. Their eyes meet as they rush to separate the dogs.

(Camera pans up from the dog park to the sky).

(Cue: Bittersweet Symphony)


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