I’ve done some fairly unacceptable things whilst blackout drunk. Life is hard, and navigating this world fifteen to twenty Bud Lights in is nigh on impossible. I fell asleep on a train platform a few months ago. For instance. I was awakened by the bleating of the oncoming train’s horn. WAKE UP AND MOVE YOUR FEET FROM MY PATH BEFORE I CHOP THEM OFF, the train said. I moved them. Still have my feet.

This weekend, an assistant district attorney with the Brooklyn D.A.’s office allegedly lost something more important than his feet. His head. He allegedly lost his head, lost his cool, and probably stands to lose a whole lot more in the days to come.

Michael Jaccarino is the ADA’s name, and it took all the restraint the New York Post had not to scream in its headline, “Wacko Jacko On The Attacko.”

Y’see, Micael Jaccarino allegedly attacked a female EMT early Saturday morning…

The Post is the only news source you want to turn to for something this salacious. Take it away, journalists:

This prosecutor was admitted into the bar — and stayed a little too long.

An allegedly boozed-up Brooklyn assistant district attorney was arrested early yesterday after he pummeled an EMT worker on the Brooklyn Bridge, police sources said.

An ambulance spotted Michael Jaccarino, 30, at the foot of the bridge before 1 a.m. after responding to a 911 call about a highly intoxicated man, sources say.

The blitzed barrister was leaving the pedestrian pathway on the Manhattan side when emergency workers confronted him, and he voluntarily entered the ambulance.

But when they tried to take him to Beth Israel Hospital, he went berserk.

Ba-zing! You guys get the bar bit, right? It’s a double entendre. Sarah Jessica Parker was admitted into the bar. Why the long face? All that jazz. You guys get it. Jokes.

Anyway, this Michael Jaccarino fella, this allegedly blitzed barrister, lush lawyer, drunk D.A., sloshed solicitor… he’s had better weekends. The EMT he allegedly attacked is named Teresa Charry-Soler and, well, she’s had better weekends too:

Charry-Soler was treated at Beth Israel Hospital for a black eye and bruises on her neck and chest, said Israel Miranda, president of the EMTs union.

“She couldn’t pass air and thought she was going to die,” Miranda said. “She’s very distraught. She did nothing to excite such a reaction.”

Jaccarino was charged with second-degree assault, criminal obstruction of breathing and menacing as well as harassment, sources said.

There are a couple things to address here. First of all, Jaccarino had the unfortunate luck of allegedly attacking a woman when he was blotto. I don’t know whether he was blackout drunk, but let’s just assume he was. If so, his attack probably betrays nothing at all about his true beliefs and/or predilections towards hitting women. But, well… he allegedly hit a woman. Unless this Jaccarino fella can sing and dance, America probably doesn’t want to hear his excuses.

Second of all, “criminal obstruction of breathing”?

Jaccarino attended SUNY Buffalo for law school, and the Post features a quote from an old classmate who says this kind of thing is “completely out of character” for Jaccarino. Dude never beat up a female EMT during law school!

Now, I just said that I don’t think this alleged attack says anything about Jaccarino’s necessarily being violent towards women. I don’t think, if he did do this, that he consciously set out to go ape on a female. So what could have motivated him? The idea that a drunk lawyer just lashed out indiscriminately for no good reason doesn’t sit well with me.

Here’s what I think. I think his state could properly be described as a sort of waking sleep. Perchance to dream, if you will. And in that tenuous territory, firmly stuck between consciousness and unconsciousness, I think Michael Jaccarino had a dream. And, like many of us, Michael Jaccarino began to dream of work. Began to dream of the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. The homepage. He can see the homepage on his computer at work, but what does it say? He can barely make it out as he hurtles through the dreamscape.

WHAT DOES IT SAY???????

‘Boozed-up’ Brooklyn ADA busted after Brooklyn Bridge attack: sources [New York Post]


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