Job Searches, Law Schools

Gradenfreude: My Law School Is Going To Be SO Pissed At Me

The end of February marked nine months since graduation. That’s nine months of résumés. Nine months of cover letters. Nine months of retail hell. Nine months living in my parents’ basement. And it is finally over. That’s right, my loyal readers, I will no longer be bitching about the lack of legal jobs in 2013, as I am now gainfully employed.

Before you start asking questions and speculating in the comments, let me just field a few of the likely questions. First, no, I will not be filling a position as office bitch. Unfortunately, I was vastly overqualified for the job. Second, no, I did not open my own firm, so I will have to wait until later to grow a pair as you’ve suggested time and time again.

And third, yes, it’s possible for a graduate of an “unaccredited” (read: accredited) law school to get a real job….

It’s felt like it’s been a long time coming, and here is basically what I’ve been thinking for the past nine months:

But it really did all work out. While my loved ones were all proud upon hearing the news, not everyone shared the sentiment. Here’s what my law school must be thinking since I missed the very important “employed nine months after graduation” deadline by two weeks and I’m now dragging down their presumably low average:

Now that I am employed, I’m not sure what makes me the most excited. There are many possible contenders. There’s the fact that I’ll actually have job-related benefits for the first time in my life. It’ll be nice to finally be able to visit a doctor. But I can’t forget about the fact that I’ll be able to buy things I want rather than what I can merely afford. It’ll also be amazing to actually have to think about more than the proper way to stock shelves.

It’s hard to remember the last time that I was this happy. Graduation was a proud moment, but I had crushing debt, no job prospects, and of course the dreaded bar exam was looming over my head. Before that I was in law school, which is where happiness goes to die. I bet that the last time that I was happy would have to have been a moment from college. There’s no single moment that stands out, but that’s not really surprising since there’s a lot of those four years that I don’t really remember.

This is a big change in my life and occupation. The customers will still be paying me, but now it’ll only be through checks, and I’ll have to chase them down just like I did their ambulance. I’ll no longer be giving people directions around the store, but will now give directions on how to navigate a legal claim. And no longer will I secretly not really give two sh*ts what my clients think. Oh okay, well, maybe some things will stay the same.

Let this triumph be an inspiration to all those who have shared my pain over these last few months. I mean seriously, if I can convince someone to hire ME, anyone find someone that is gullible and currently hiring. And since I’m now employed in the legal field, I think I should share the wealth as best I can. So, the best advice I have is to drop your standards and be willing to sell out to anyone that’s buying.

When not writing about life after law school for Above the Law, Tristan Taylor Thomas (not his real name) used to work at a retail job stocking shelves — which he admits is slightly better than being a shoeshiner. You can reach him by email at

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