Crime, Football, Sports

Draft Picks Have Tremendous Criminal 'Upside'

Rating the criminality of 20 years of NFL draft picks.

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#17- Sebastian Janikowski, Oakland Raiders

Al Davis didn’t just throw caution to the wind when drafting renegade skill players. He used insanely high draft picks on kickers with character issues. Janikowski was accused of attempting to bribe a police officer before he was drafted and arrested for GHB possession after. This was possibly the most successful draft pick of the last 20 years of Al Davis’s life. Let that wash over you like a date rape drug.

#18- Joe Flacco, Baltimore Ravens

Joe Flacco stole 120 million dollars from the Ravens.

#19- Marvin Harrison, Indianapolis Colts

During his career, Harrison seemed like the antidote to the obnoxious, diva receiver. A quiet man, Harrison’s entire resume was dedicated to on-the-field accomplishments. But as soon as his career ended, Harrison was implicated in a series of crimes that upended any sort of anodyne image of the receiver. A man who feuded with Harrison ended up dead and the FBI was called in to investigate. Harrison still has not been charged with any crime, but a GQ story on the matter does not speak of an innocent man. Harrison still doesn’t say much. This no longer seems refreshing.

#20- Aqib Talib, Tampa Bay Buccaneers

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One of the finest Kansas Jayhawks ever to strap on shoulder pads also is no stranger to a courtroom. In 2009, he allegedly beat up a taxi driver. Which probably taught that driver once and for all to take credit cards and stop pretending his “machine is broken.” Talib later was charged with firing shots at his sister’s boyfriend. Rock chalk, Aqib. Rock chalk.

#21- Randy Moss, Minnesota Vikings

Moss had legal issues dog him before he was drafted by the Vikings. Since then, his only real scrape with the law involved allegedly bumping a traffic control officer with his car. A love tap, really. Officers also found weed in his car, but we can ignore that as possession of weed is hardly a capital crime. It’s not that big of a deal. However, Joe Buck thinks Moss deserved the death penalty. A disgusting act!

#22- Tebucky Jones, New England Patriots

This choice was simple. The man’s name is Tebucky Jones. His rap sheet is uninteresting and slight, but it doesn’t really matter. Tebucky Jones. He was arrested at the Mohegan Sun after he allegedly punched a man after making “inappropriate contact” with the man’s girlfriend. Oh, Tebucky.

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#23- Ty Law, New England Patriots

Because Lawyer Milloy was a second round pick.

#24- Dez Bryant, Dallas Cowboys

Dez has been a constant source of legal news since he came into the league. Sued by a jeweler and arrested for hitting his mom, Bryant’s personal life has been constant fodder for the media. But much like the team he plays for, his actual offenses seem overblown and exaggerated. Howboudemlegalissues???

#25- Freddie Mitchell, Philadelphia Eagles

Mitchell was a classic case of talking yourself into fame. He never was anything more than an average possession receiver, but he talked and talked and talked and eventually landed spots on several reality shows. This is a normal career arc in America in the 21st century. After his playing career was over, Mitchell was arrested for failure to pay child support. Two years later, he appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker. I repeat, this is totally normal.

#26- Ray Lewis, Baltimore Ravens

I would write this capsule summary, but Lewis believes in Jesus. So nothing I say here could ever disrupt that one true and inalienable fact. Ray Lewis believes in Jesus. Jesus Christ. Our Lord and savior. Praise Jesus.

#27- Larry Johnson, Kansas City Chiefs

According to this Wikipedia entry, Johnson has been arrested four times for assaults against women.

#28- Jerramy Stevens, Seattle Seahawks

Stevens has too many legal scrapes to list. Accused of rape, DUI, and assault, Stevens was most recently in the news due to allegations that he had assaulted his fiance, the US goalkeeper Hope Solo. Stevens was released due to lack of evidence and the happy couple got married the very next day, proving that fairy tales do come true.

#29- Dimitrius Underwood, Minnesota Vikings

Underwood suffered from bipolar disorder and allegedly spent time during team meetings writing in his notebook about the apocalypse. Later, according to his wiki entry, this happened:

In September 1999, Underwood was arrested by police for failure to pay child support.[1] Within 24 hours, he attempted to commit suicide by slashing his own neck with a cutlass before repeatedly yelling “I’m not worthy of God”.[2] According to his mother, an ordained minister, his behavior had been influenced by attending the Immanuel’s Temple Community Church in Lansing, Michigan, which she describes as a “cult that’s posing as a church.” The church’s pastor stated that neither he nor his wife had ever counseled Underwood and that no one in the church told Underwood to leave football.

I don’t really have a whole lot to add to this.

#30- Kenny Britt, Tennessee Titans

Britt’s Wikipedia entry notes that he has been involved with the police nine times since entering the NFL. Theirs is a rocky relationship, borne of distrust and mutual loathing.

There you have it, sports fans. A look back at twenty years of tomfoolery and misbehavior by NFL draftees. Be safe out there and remember to tell your sister to avoid Larry Johnson.

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