The job scene for entry-level attorneys is rough. As we’ve discussed, only 56 percent of the class of 2012 were employed in full-time, long-term positions where bar passage was required. If you strip out school-funded jobs, that employment figure slips back down to where the class of 2011 was, with just 55 percent of them employed as real attorneys.
Recent law graduates are understandably pissed off. They want to put their law degrees to good use, but the constricted job market is forcing them to apply for positions as baristas. They are seething with rage, and they can’t even contain it anymore.
What you’re about to see is the byproduct of what we presume to be a few months’ worth of a failed job search. This disgruntled job seeker took a corporate job advertisement for entry-level attorneys and red-lined the hell out of it — after all, this legal department is looking for red-liners.
Do you think this person should get the job? Check out his stunningly accurate work….
IBM’S ENTRY-LEVEL ATTORNEY JOB AD, RED-LINED BY DISGRUNTLED JOB SEEKER
IBM is seeking desperate candidates for employment as IBM
Attorneys “Law Clerks” in the IBM Law Department’s “Legal Resources Center” (LRC) located in the basement of an abandoned bank on the Michigan State University campus in East Lansing, MI (when there’s an actual office IBM building just 45 minutes away in Southfield, MI). We plan to conduct on-site interviews at the last minute at some top tier schools and other lower tier schools, hoping to grab those with no options left who we can trick into believing that our program is “unique”. Our lawyers in the LRC perform a wide variety of busy work legal work in support of the IBM Corporation, such as the analysis of bitch work during due diligence in M&A transactions, analysis of applicant restrictive covenants, confidentiality agreements, EEOC work, environmental work, software licensing support, government contract negotiations, and various legal research projects, with a particular emphasis on complex technology agreements playing WarLight online video games as a team, learning poker, and playing board games in conference rooms.
Our lawyers analyze and red-line a wide variety of technology agreements, including outsourcing, systems integration, and other IT contracts, basically monkey work. These attorneys support more senior IBM lawyers and business professionals who
negotiate with the company’s customers don’t even know the LRC attorneys exist and barely acknowledge the program and laugh at the salary.
Prior technology experience is not a requirement, as successful candidates will receive in-depth training foreeeeeeever. The paralegal $55,000 starting salary, which doesn’t even allow you to qualify for loan forgiveness, forcing LRC members to choose between a real dinner or paying Sallie Mae, will be augmented with health benefits, paid vacation or unpaid whenever the managers decide not to fly in; not even they want to live in East Lansing, and other IBM employee benefits like “working” from home on Fridays. As admission to the Michigan (55% pass rate… why would you take this bar?) or New York bar is required, IBM will pay bar review course tuition and bar examination fees, although you’ve likely already paid this yourself since they don’t make offers until well after bar registration.
In the future After 2 years, successful lucky candidates will have the opportunity to compete beg/boycott/mutiny or date in order to leave East Lansing and to be treated like a real attorney elsewhere within the company for other assignments and advancement to more senior positions in the IBM legal department like in NY or DC, where they won’t even give you a cost of living adjustment.