In case you haven’t noticed by now, law students tend to be an overly dramatic bunch. If something inconveniences them, their lives have been ruined. If they don’t immediately get their way, they’ll storm off to Change.org and write a petition about it. And if something bad happens to them and they’ve got access to a school-wide listserv, then my God, abandon all hope ye who open that email.

Around these parts, we’re prone to calling these people “Millennials” — the special little snowflakes who’ve been raised to believe that they can do no wrong. That’s why we love it so when one of them gets smacked down by one of their more cynical peers.

Earlier this week, an enraged student from a T14 law school sent out a fiery email to the entire school because oh nooooes, someone had stolen her lunch, which is obviously the worst thing that’s ever happened in this chick’s life. But we’re kind of happy that this most awful event occurred, because the reply email is absolutely fabulous….

This all unfolded at Michigan Law, a place where students have written angsty emails about their pilfered foodstuffs in the past. This time around, a girl who we’ll call Jenny Craig was angered terribly after some ungrateful bastard ate her burrito — not half of the burrito, but the whole entire thing. We’ll pour some salsa out for your fallen homie, Jenny, because we can imagine how violated you must’ve felt.

But the OMG worst part EVER is that some of Jenny’s friends had to go hungry, too. Here’s the incredibly vengeful email Michigan Law’s student body received as a result of this atrocious situation:

From: Jenny Craig
Date: Thu, Apr 4, 2013 at 10:23 AM
Subject: [lawopen] PSA: If you eat food out of the Commons fridge that isn’t yours…
To: “[Unofficial Law Listserv]”

you are the single worst person at this law school (or the single worst undergrad who studies here), and I don’t think I’m overstating things. If you:
- ate my entire burrito
- ate another student’s homemade pizza
- ate HALF of another student’s crackers out of a Ziploc (?)
then you are the worst. Just so you know.

Congratulations, you’ve just destroyed this girl’s existence. Thankfully, a famous American poet familiar with life at peer academic institutions took it upon himself to apologize on behalf of the lunch thief:

From: William Carlos Williams
Date: Thu, Apr 4, 2013 at 10:46 AM
Subject: [lawopen] Re: PSA: If you eat food out of the Commons fridge that isn’t yours…
To: “[Unofficial Law Listserv]”

This is just to say…

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Sincerely,

William Carlos Williams

Ta-f**king-da. If all law students could have such a great sense of humor about life’s so-called travesties, namely stolen lunches, then we imagine law school would be a much, much happier place.

Earlier: Prior ATL coverage of law school lunch thieves


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