The Scripps National Spelling Bee took place this week. I find that contest to be a cruel torture for young people who don’t need the pressure or exposure of being forced to fail in front of a national audience. Also, I don’t like watching little kids who can perform tasks I can only dream about.

But, in honor of the Spelling Bee, we’ve decided to have our own Above the Law spelling contest. How do you have a spelling contest on a blog without audio, you ask? Well, have you ever seen me try to spell without spell check?

Here’s how it’s going to work: I’m going to give you a little vignette during which I murder some legalese, and you’re going to tell me what I meant. No cheating…

Since the only thing you are winning is pride (anonymous pride at that), no Googling of how to spell these words (once you figure out what the heck I’m trying to say). If you can’t spell them correctly, you lose the right to make fun of my own lack of Englishness.

Okay, let’s start off with some softballs:

  • “Yes, I did default on my student debts, but that has nothing to do with whether I owe this punk money. It’s racist to bring it up. Well, not racist… prejudicial I mean! I’m filing a motion in limestone to get it excluded.”
  • “I don’t expect the Supreme Court to grant serotonin in the case of Butterball v. Jack Daniels.”
  • “I’m not eating the salad. Seriously, I’m not eating it. Look, stop pestering me. The salad is not something… THE TACOS ARE ON MY PLATE ALREADY! Chez Crispa Mouthular, I’m not having a freaking salad!”
  • “You mean I have to bring my notes to court? But I don’t take notes, I just talk until someone stops me. Goddamn, why did I get a subpenis deuce testicles instead of a subpenis terrific?”

Having fun yet? Want more vinaigrette? How about some case names? First one:

  • “Retard v. Zzzz” (come on, you know that one)
  • “Kortaku v. US3″
  • “Loch Ness v. Manhattan”
  • “Gutter v. Champagne”

Okay, okay, time for your master’s class in legal Latin:

  • “At this point, your agreement to pay tuition is basically a naked pachyderm because the J.D. you’re getting is worthless.” (Yes, I had to look up how to spell “pachyderm.” In other news, you can freaking bite me.)
  • “Your Honor, we declare Noel Prosecco. We got really drunk at the Christmas party and misplaced all of our evidence.”
  • “Sure, this post is the renal anus that shows this really is a slow news day.”

First to get them all right wins a knaidel.


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