Crime, Music, Religion

Lawyer Previews Novel Defense For Christian Metal Rocker

Steroids can be dangerous substances. They can cause heart problems and infertility. They can expand a man’s head to a dangerous size. They can also shrink a different kind of head.

When roided up, a juicer can lose his temper and try to kill his girlfriend in the heat of the moment like Ben Affleck did in this movie (or Jimmy did in this South Park bit homage to Affleck’s meltdown).

But can steroids make someone coldly seek out a hitman to off an estranged wife?

Tim Lambesis, the lead singer for the “Christian Metalcore” band As I Lay Dying, was charged last week with trying to hire a hitman to kill his wife.

The Christian metal community, which, unbelievably, is a thing, had already accused Lambesis of straying from Christ. And you can’t stray much further than “trying to hire a hitman to ice your wife,” which ranks right up there with “approving of gay marriage.”

When the case began, Lambesis’s attorney, Anthony Salerno, suggested that Lambesis was the victim of a set-up perpetrated by a police informant. But in light of the prosecution claiming to have audio of the hitman asking, “Do you want your wife dead?” and Lambesis responding, “Yes, that’s exactly what I want,” the patsy defense may have hit a snag. That recording seems to be the “Sound of Truth.” (Yes, I’m going to try and work in some As I Lay Dying song titles and videos because… why not?)

At yesterday’s bail hearing, a new lawyer, Thomas Warwick introduced a new defense theory: Lambesis’s “thought processes were devastatingly affected by his steroid use.” No one denies Lambesis used steroids — he used to look like this:

And now he looks like this:

But this strategy joins the Twinkie Defense and the Chewbacca Defense in the annals of dumb.

First of all, steroids use is an atrocious defense in any event. Since its first invocation in the 1988 beating death of a hitchhiker, the “steroids made me brutally murder someone” defense has worked exactly never as far as anyone can tell.

Add to that hurdle the novel argument that steroids were responsible for the dispassionate orchestration of a hit. Steroids can cause confusion, but this is far beyond mild forgetfulness. Murder-for-hire is not listed in the Yellow Pages (kids, ask your parents), it takes real effort to find someone to work with. More effort than most can sustain during an episode of ‘roid rage.

At that point, just go with a previously undiagnosed psychological problem. As a symptom, you could cite his side project Austrian Death Machine, a band devoted entirely to music about Arnold Schwarzenegger films (for example, this). That could be spun into an insanity defense.

That would at least provide “A Greater Foundation.”

Lawyer: Tim Lambesis Took Steroids Before Alleged Murder-for-Hire Plan [UPI]
Tim Lambesis Bail Lowered; Vocalist Admits to Steroid Use [MetalSucks]

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