This world is absolutely crawling with DUI attorneys. You wouldn’t know it to look at this website, but it’s fairly clear out here in Amurrica that DUI attorneys outnumber other attorneys by at least a seventeen or eighteen-to-one margin. If you don’t believe me, perhaps you’ll believe Google? A search for “DUI attorney” returns over 27 million hits. Whereas a search for “clown gingivitis” only returns 638,000. So yeah, there are a ton of DUI attorneys in this world.

If you’re wondering why I’m wasting your time and mine on hilarious Google searches, it’s because this is the week that sports figures decided to get all sorts of liquored-up and go on joyrides. Well, this is the week I decided to write about sports figures getting all sorts of liquored-up and going on joyrides. Because, truthfully, athletes and those who employ them have a long history of drunk driving. I refer you to my first paragraph. Those lawyers didn’t multiply like wet Gremlins because work was hard to come by. Indeed, drunk driving is a crime that is enjoyed by a wide swath of Americans, from a young me to a slightly older me to those who aren’t even me. Now, this is not to downplay the seriousness of the crime. It’s a terribly reckless thing to do and it should be punished harshly.

Let’s talk boozin’ and cruisin’…

MILE HIGH

Last weekend, the Broncos director of player personnel, Matt Russell, was arrested after he plowed into a police car. I am contractually obligated to use the word allegedly while writing about crimes. Matt Russell was allegedly drunk when he plowed into a police car. Matt Russell allegedly blew a 0.246 after being arrested for DUI. Blowing a 0.246 means that you are allegedly dead. Or almost dead. Comatose. Because mugshots are great, here is Russell’s:

Now, the arrest of God’s blessed little soulpatch wouldn’t have been huge news if it weren’t for another Broncos executive who got arrested a month ago for the same crime. Tom Heckert, who is the Broncos director of pro personnel, was arrested on June 11th for DUI. But since he doesn’t have awesome facial hair, no one in the metropolitan Denver area seemed to notice. That and everyone in the state was too legally high to care. At any rate, Heckert’s dumbs**t mugshot looks like this:

Now, as I stated at the top, DUIs are so ubiquitous as to be hardly newsworthy in any context. But Deadspin took the opportunity to point out the hypocrisy of a certain kind of sports writer who concern trolls every instance of athletes behaving criminally. In a post titled “Do NFL Front Offices Have A Thug Problem“, Barry Petchesky wove together various anecdotes to ponder the titular question. But it wasn’t Petchesky’s post that yielded the best parody. Instead, a commenter named Sean R put together the best response to the DUIs. Commenters, please take note:

Not to get racial, but a lot of these execs are coming from homes where drinking is normalised and then they go to college and enter mostly white frats and drink a bunch. I don’t want to say that white people are all alcoholics, but it does seem like something that activists in the white community might want to focus on instead of constantly complaining about racism against them.

Best. Comment. Ever.

For those of you in ATL’s fantasy attorney league, both Russell and Heckert are represented by Harvey Steinberg. Who apparently specializes in Denver Bronco law. Seriously, check out this story. The man exclusively represents Denver Broncos. Good work if you can get it, I suppose.

‘SUP WITH AARON?

This is where we check in with Aaron Hernandez. To see ‘sup. ‘Sup with that guy?

Well, Aaron has had a rough week. This week, evidence in the case was made public. And it paints a grim picture for the defense:

With those caveats in mind, the evidence places Hernandez at the scene of the crime and describes him as acting suspicious in encounters with law enforcement. Among the most damaging: tire treads at the homicide’s location allegedly match the Nissan Altima that Hernandez rented from Enterprise. Even more suspicious, Hernandez returned the Altima damaged and Enterprise claims a bullet was found in it. While it’s possible that another Nissan Altima could have been at the scene of the homicide, these purported facts present a troubling coincidence for Hernandez’s attorneys to explain away.

Evidence also reveals repeated interaction between Hernandez and Lloyd in the days and hours leading up to Lloyd’s murder. For instance, witnesses place the two together at the Rumor Nightclub in Boston two days before Lloyd was killed. Surveillance video also shows an armed Hernandez returning home from Rumor and meeting two men in his driveway, including alleged murder accomplice Ernest Wallace. Other surveillance video shows Hernandez, Lloyd and others entering and exiting the Nissan Altima, as well as Hernandez holding a gun. Text messages also portray Hernandez as an organizer in meetings with Lloyd. If Hernandez is ultimately convicted, the vast array of electronic evidence likely will have played a major role

On top of this, one of his fellow defendants has quite obviously flipped on Hernandez. No matter what his attorney claims.

Anyway, that’s ‘sup with Aaron.

RAP SHEET ROLL CALL

* Alfonzo Dennard serves as the exception that proves Sean R’s rule as the non-white football player got arrested for DUI this week as well.

* San Francisco Giants pitcher Chad Gaudin was arrested in January after allegedly groping a woman on a gurney. In Gaudin’s defense, the woman was wearing this really slutty outfit that exposed her entire backside.

* Speaking of gross sex crimes, Lawrence Taylor’s son was arrested for doing a sad Lawrence Taylor impersonation.

Matt Russell, Broncos exec, arrested in Breckenridge on DUI charges [Denver Post]
Tom Heckert becomes second Broncos exec facing drunken driving charges [USA Today]
Do NFL Front Offices Have A Thug Problem? [Deadspin]
Released evidence damning for Aaron Hernandez, but questions remain [CNNSI]


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