Abortion, Divorce Train Wrecks, Family Law, Sex, Sex Scandals, Sports

Love and Basketball — The Director’s Cut

Dwyane Wade with his new girlfriend (ex-wife not pictured).

Love and marriage, love and marriage,
Go together like a horse and carriage.
This I tell ya, brother, you can’t have one without the other.

Less than a mile from the Buckingham Fountain, a woman plopped her butt down on the pavement, arranged her various cardboard signs and proceeded to hold court. Sitting mere feet away from a man who blows a loud whistle and holds signs accusing the FBI of rape and Obama of… something, the woman’s protest wouldn’t have registered here in Chicago if it weren’t for one thing: the woman was Dwyane Wade’s ex-wife.

A woman I work with announced it rather blithely Friday afternoon. “Dwyane Wade’s ex-wife is across the street protesting something about money.” Those of us who care deeply about basketball and freakshows and anything that will distract us from our awful jobs immediately ran to the window. And there she was (picture after the jump).

Siovaughn Funches was Dwyane Wade’s high school sweetheart. I imagine she had lived a fairytale life as her young beau climbed the rungs of basketball success and made his way to untold millions. Or maybe not. I can’t say I know exactly what Siovaughn Funches thought about her marriage. What I can say is that Siovaughn Funches sat on the ground and showed how powerless the law can be when it comes face-to-face with profound mental unbalance.

What if I told you Siovaughn Funches wasn’t the craziest story involving a basketball player’s love life this week? What if I told you about an abortion contract? Is that something you might be interested in?

Let’s talk sidewalks and abortions…


Dwyane Wade has millions of dollars, three rings, and a beautiful actress by his side. He also has an ex-wife who, driven to seething rage by Wade’s inability to spell his own first name correctly, camped outside with profoundly homemade signs that accused him of miserly behavior. Here’s a description of the “protest”:

After a grueling week of court developments in which Funches-Wade sought to fire her attorney — her legal representation paid for by Wade, she has gone through 12 lawyers — and a week in which she was arrested by Circuit Court Judge Thomas Carr for appearing late in court, she’d had it.

Leaving Friday’s hearing, Funches-Wade plopped down on a mat outside the downtown courts building, with her sign and her sister and mother at her side supporting her.

“Dwyane Wade is offering to pay only some of what he owes me if I sign an agreement never again to discuss what happened in our marriage or with our children. I refuse,” the ex-wife said. “I finally told Carr I just wanted to end the case and keep my freedom and my voice. I told him I didn’t want anything from Dwyane. The judge demanded the trial continue. I couldn’t believe it.”

Definitely follow the link to watch a video of the sit-out. What gets me is that her mom and sister stood by her as she took intermittent sips from a water bottle and looked, for all the world, like a lunatic. They didn’t dissuade her or plead with her to sit on something more forgiving like a bench or a chair. Nope. You go on and sit on that ground. Tell America what’s up.

As I stared out the window in my office for up to two hours that afternoon, I considered what it meant for Funches to be sitting there. I thought that it says something about the impotence of the legal profession. All the high-priced divorce attorneys in the world can’t shut up a crazy person. In a system built on a kind of rational warfare, the crazy will always have an unfair advantage. I thought that Funches might just herald something deeper about the crumbling of our profession. The cracks and strains that show as thousands of lawyers take a vow of poverty and thousands of others leave the law altogether. I thought all this while watching a woman sit on the concrete outside my office. Then my boss told me to stop staring out of the window. I guess I was creeping everyone out because when I get into my fugue state, I hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic. While fingering my bellybutton.

This monday, a judge ruled that Wade’s divorce settlement with his ex-wife is enforceable and Wade’s attorney admonished Funches for making light of homelessness. A deft public relations move, playing the victim while simultaneously reaching out to a greater cause than your own. Somewhere, Funches cackles maniacally while The Battle Hymn softly tinkles in the background.


If you’ve been away from the Internet for the last couple days, let me bring you up to speed. JJ Redick, former Duke basketball player and probably the best poet of all-time, was alleged to have entered into a contract with an ex-girlfriend, the contents of which involved her procuring an abortion, remaining his girlfriend for a bit longer, and keeping her trap shut. If that sounds crazy and hard-to-follow, it’s because abortion contracts don’t lend themselves to either clarity or frankness. Abortion contracts are, by their nature, slippery things. If you’re entering into an abortion contract, you’re choosing obfuscation over truth; opacity over carrying your human baby to term.

At any rate, definitely check out the back-and-forth, undeniably privileged emails posted by Deadspin yesterday. It’s a frightening glimpse into a dystopian future where all Dukies get laid. But for our purposes, I thought we’d run down the requirements of a valid contract and see if Redick’s abortion contract passes muster. Since I apparently sold my Contracts book, I had to use Google to find out just how these contract things work. Herewith, my work product:

1. Agreement- which requires offer and acceptance.

“Will you please make an abortion?”

“Yes, thank you. I accept your offer of aborting my unborn child. *abortion sound?*”

2. Considerations- money.

Apparently bartering is out of the question when haggling over abortions.

3.Capacity to contract- Must not be minor, insane or intoxicated.

Crazy drunk underaged midgets need not apply. “I don’t know why I threw the midget in there.”–PT Barnum

4.Genuineness of Assent- intention of both parties when contract was entered into.

“Do you genuinely want to make this abortion?”

“I do, JJ. I do. I genuinely do.”

5. Lawful purpose- must be for legal use in order to be a valid contract or enforceable contract.

If you outlaw abortions, only outlaws will enter into nonbinding abortion contracts that don’t carry the force of law because they pertain to illegal activities, in this case abortions, which were outlawed at the beginning of this sentence, hypothetically.

6. Lawful Form- if the law requires it to be in writing it must be.

To read the contract in its entirety, click here.


* A Florida linebacker was arrested for barking at a police dog, but the charges were later dropped. Turner & Hooch was Hanks’s finest work and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise.

* An Arizona safety was dismissed after being arrested for possession of an Aaron Hernandez starter kit.

* It is unclear whether a video shows an Ohio State running back slapping a woman. Sorry, it is unclear whether a video shows THE Ohio State running back slapping a woman.

Wade’s ex-wife protests outside Daley Center
[Chicago Sun-Times]
J.J. Redick And His Ex-Girlfriend Had An Abortion Contract [Deadspin]
How J.J. Redick’s Abortion Contract Was Conceived [Deadspin]
MTO WORLD EXCLUSIVE: NBA Baller Enters Into An ‘ABORTION CONTRACT’ With His Girlfriend . . . Pays Her To END HER PREGNANCY!!! [MediaTakeOut]

(hidden for your protection)

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